SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am wondering whether any one has gone through this?

To add some context, my husband is having an affair for the last 7 months and been in ambivalence about wanting to work things out with me and wanting to pursue his lover who lives in Thailand. They continue their relationship mostly on LINE chat. We recently did discernment counseling and the out come was to separate, but since we are very attached to, love and care for each other the therapist recommended a 6 month trial separation. Rules were not see each other and communicate only based on previous agreed times, and that is one day a week to begin with and then go on to 1 day a month and so fourth. We live is two different states and we have been doing the trail separation for two weeks. I am realizing that this is really emotionally miserable for me. While he pursue his lover i sit and wait which is what I have done for the past 7 months. I am moving towards Complete separation. I am curious to know whether any one has done a trial separation and what the outcomes were? Also any input from wayward spouses would be helpful, how did a trial separation played into an ongoing affair?

Hello Ru,

Welcome to SI, I am sorry you find yourself here, but it is a place of great comfort in terrible times.

My WW (STBXW) and I did a trial separation, but the circumstances were a bit different. I had not yet found out about the affair, was being gaslighted by both WW and the OM, who happened to be my best friend at the time (so I thought).

I can say the trial separation was manipulated 100% to facilitate the A, to allow it to happen, in her words "to get out from under the microscope", which was my growing suspicion.

I think I would not be alone here in saying that this kind of arrangement greatly appeals to the WS if they are still having the A.

I would encourage you to go full 180 (read up in the healing library if you have not done so already) for yourself, and cut all ties of things that he has come to appreciate about you. Without you in his life at all, he may begin to come to grips with his choice, if he fears genuinely losing you. He also may not. But most importantly, by far, you build your own life back up for you, regardless or the circumstances.

I very much understand the waiting in loneliness. Right now we split the children weekly (pursuing legal separation), and when they are gone, it can be overwhelming. Stay busy, take care of yourself,be productive and positive. You will get through this. Keep posting.

We did one— it was play time for him. He continued his A. But I did use that time to get my head in a better place. Use the time for you.

Thank you Gminor23 and Bearlybreathing. I think you both are right about what is going on- I am realizing that my husband is taking advantage of this trial separation to pursue the affair partner in full force. I thought he will take time to reflect and work on himself. He probably feels less guilty and off the hook having to see my pain and listen to my difficulties because of the trial separation rules. They are coming up on their 1 year anniversary, here I am all broken and alone... I have written a letter to let him know I am moving on and i think it is time I post it..

I thought he will take time to reflect and work on himself.

I can tell you from personal experience, you will know when he is taking time to work on himself and when he isn't. It sounds like he isn't. When my WH was "figuring things out" (aka continuing the A and completely bullshitting me - sorry, gaslighting is too nice a word) he told me he was "writing to himself a lot" etc - and he was...but the writings were ALL (save 1 where he tried to write an apology to me and apparently couldn't manage that) bitching and complaining about me and writing out how much we had grown apart and how unhappy he was with me. Not a SINGLE sentence about how f-ed up he was or what he was doing. He couldn't even manage to put that into writing as apparently doing that would make him have to actually think about what he was allegedly thinking about.

Now that he has been, he's had almost a full-scale mental breakdown. It's much different. Granted I think he still wants to avoid it and is hoping that some magic pill (this time in the form of an anti-depressant) is going to make things better...which is still denial IMO of what he has done. Either way - this time is different. The attitude isn't denial anymore, and by denial I mean self-denial not denying things to me.

ru79, what you are describing is not really a trial separation. Your WH seems to plan to continue his affair, and keep you at arms length while he does so. Unless he has committed to NC with the AP, it is a waste of your time.

If you haven't yet, talk to an attorney. There may be advantages to you to allow this charade to continue, but maybe not. Find out how to protect yourself and your interests. Keep it to yourself until you are ready to act.

You deserve better than to be someone's backup. Don't allow it.

I would answer that trial separation by filing for divorce.

In my experience and in all my years at SI, a "trial separation" is simply a time for the WS to do what they want, without the BS there breathing down their back.

Especially, in your case where he is still in an active affair? Let him go and don't waste your time.

If he is truly working on himself, he would not be pursuing anyone else. He cannot be trying for a relationship while giving a trial separation. I do not agree with the trial separation because to me it opens up the door for even more painful things to happen since the couple is not together. That said, my husband wanted a divorce, we filed, he moved out. It was when we moved out that he started seeing what he was giving up and that our relationship was not as bad as his affair fog had him thinking.

What we often see is that a "trial separation" is actually a trial period for the WS to test drive the AP a little more in depth to see if they want to continue the relationship.

Meanwhile, the BS is alone and hoping the WS is taking the time to get their head out of their ass.

There are always exceptions, but he has shown no signs (based on what you have written) that he is interested even remotely in reconciling and is, in fact, still pursuing his AP.

That makes you his Plan B. If he decides he doesn't want to pursue the AP more seriously, he may come waltzing back to you, his safe landing place.

Don't be his Plan B. No one deserves to be a Plan B.

When I kicked Xhole out and we were separated, he moved in, secretly, with last OW to play happy family. So I used that time to get my ducks in a row for the D, which was going to happen regardless. He *thought* he had pulled a sneaky maneuver moving in with her (he was parking his truck far away in a 24-hour grocery store parking lot where the employees park), until he realized I knew when I decided to go banging on OW's door one sunny Sunday morning because I knew he was there and I wanted his wedding ring back (that was just my excuse, I didn't really care about the ring).

Just here echoing what has been already said. These ‘trial separations’ seem to be a great opportunity for a cheater to test drive his/her currently ‘preferred’ option before they totally commit. Don’t be plan b, file, he’ll wake up and shape up OR he won’t. Either way you’re back in the driving seat.

Don’t fall for it Ru, good luck ((()))

Thank you for all the insights.

I realized I am the Plan B here and I talked to WH and told him that no more trial separation. Now trying to figure out the space we are in. I am leaning towards a 6 weeks separation and making a decision.

What makes it hard to just walk out of this relationship is he doesn't say anything bad about me, and open about how much he loves me and cares for me. Yet he is ambivalent about fully committing back to the relationship. His ideal world I think he wants to have me and the AP (the sexual hook). I am not in for an open relationship..

I am leaning towards a 6 weeks separation and making a decision.

That is still a trial separation...

His ideal world I think he wants to have me and the AP (the sexual hook). I am not in for an open relationship..

Let me share my own experience. Xhole cheated for over 20 years. Somehow he got it in his mind that I would simply "look the other way" while he played on the side. Couldn't have been more wrong. I didn't sign up for an open marriage either, and I let him know that without a doubt by kicking him out and filing for D. So my advice, if you truly are not agreeable to an open marriage, say that with filing for D. Don't do the six weeks of separation and "then decide." You know what he wants. Why wait to give him your response?

Oh, and I will add that Xhole was loving, never said a bad thing, to the very end. Even to this day, if I gave a hint that I would take him back and let him have his fun on the side, he would be back in a nanosecond. So much so that my kids tease me about it regularly.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 11:19 PM, December 20th (Thursday)]