Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: psully143

New Beginnings :
Kids being separated

This Topic is Archived
default

 TheKarmaTrain (original poster member #54879) posted at 5:16 PM on Thursday, January 3rd, 2019

Divorced 3.5 years. 1.5 yrs ago my daughter discovered the truth about her dad and has since decided for now that she does not want a relationship with him. I tried encouraging and gently nudging but she's a strong, independent 14yo and I've decided to sit back and just be a solid, consistent parent for her to lean on and talk to whenever she needs to. We have the best relationship we've ever had and she's doing great navigating the middle school years along side this shitshow. 12yo son knows most of what his dad did however still worships him and begs for his attention (asshat continuously prioritizes his gf and her kids and pushes my son to do "brady bunch" activities on his time with him. I think he's so afraid that his dad will just close the door on him if he says no, so he reluctantly goes along on these brutal activities. Said activities have now morphed into joint family vacations. I worry that my kids are apart more and more now. They have such an amazing bond and these years are so important to grow it. Anyone dealing with one child who has no relationship and how are you handling the kids?

posts: 146   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2016
id 8308181
default

LilBlackCat ( member #57470) posted at 1:12 AM on Friday, January 4th, 2019

It's rough, I know...

WW would only invite the younger 3 for outings with AP when she would visit.. and my eldest took it hard.

Besides, doing what you are doing.. There's not much more you can do.. just be there for them and they know where the foundation and real love is at.

Me: BS 43 (Now 50)
Her: WW 37
18 M, 19 Together
4 Children, youngest is now 9.

Divorce Final as of 9/3/19.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2017   ·   location: San Diego
id 8308398
default

Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 1:50 AM on Friday, January 4th, 2019

I think you are doing the best thing under the shit circumstances. Both kids are at or close to the age that a court would listen to them in terms of visitation so let them decide, even if they decide differently.

Maybe when they are both with you try to work in activities the three of you can do together, to try to keep their relationship close and solid even if they do spend time apart due to sperm donor visitation.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9059   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8308414
default

shakentocore ( member #46124) posted at 2:15 AM on Friday, January 4th, 2019

My two kids live in the same household (I reconsiled with fWH), and from the time DD turned 14 they at times have led totally separate lives. DD is always with a friend or two or ten; DS is more of a homebody. As long as you encourage family time when both kids are with you they will continue to have that bond.

DDay - Christmas 2014. Working on R.

posts: 3711   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2014
id 8308420
default

Mom4ever ( member #40516) posted at 1:52 PM on Saturday, January 12th, 2019

My children and I are going through this also. Sounds like you are handling it as best as anyone could. The only other thing I can think of would be counseling for you and the kids if problems arose or you felt it needed.

My 3 kids are spread over 10 years (23, 19, &13) and are 2 boys and a girl. DDay was 5 1/2 yrs ago. So my oldest had already narrowed it down to a couple of women he figured it was happening with (actually both were involved somewhat) and already did not have a close relationship with dad. My daughter is who told me (bless her) and she and dad were court ordered to a trauma counselor who eventually recommended to the judge that her relationship and visitation be left up to her (which I continued to encourage but ultimately didn’t work out). And our youngest son still visits and craves for his attention and continues to be disappointed and hurt. IT IS SO HARD TO WATCH YOUR CHILDREN BE PLAYED AGAINST EACH OTHER!

Be their constant, love them unconditionally, try helping each have compassion for the others and understand they each are responsible for what kind of relationship they want and they don’t have to be the same, and spend good quality time with them all together. I use the same counselor with the youngest. Anger is a normal response with boys. She helps him sort through emotions and gives him tools to cope. She has told me there is really nothing else I can do. He will probably make the same decision as the older two but may decide to just keep on or even be turned away from me. But I need to just continue raising him with the same constant as I did the other two.

It’s so bad that other people ask if my ex is really the father of our two oldest... youngest son got a full Christmas from his dad, daughter got a card with a $50 check in it, and oldest son got nothing... of course, youngest son had to deliver card to his sister. Ex has been asked and ordered to not put him in the middle and he still does.

I pray and believe eventually youngest will see it for what it is and understand. He can choose to have a relationship or not at that point, either is fine, actually would be healthier for him if he does. But I think he has watched dad completely throw three people (me and his siblings) out of his life and so on some level he understands that his dad could throw him out of his life also without hesitation or even slowing down. It’s really just sad for all involved. Oldest son didn’t go to as much counseling because of his age and he didn’t want to. Daughter was court ordered as I said. She thanks me now for it. She has told me that as hard as it was and as much as she hated it, she is better off for it. It forced her to deal with some things and she sees the oldest still struggle with them. So I will always encourage others to go to counseling as much as they need to.

BW - me 59 & WXH - 52
Married - 24.5 yrs. Engaged - 2 yrs. Dated - 2 yrs. 2 DSs and 1 DD
D-Day - 6/13/2013. Divorced 12/10/2015.
I lived. I loved. I lost. I SURVIVED by the grace of God! Actions never lie. Words do! Choices have consequences.

posts: 261   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2013   ·   location: Southeast
id 8312828
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy