I'm not a WS, but if it's ok, I would like to respond. If not, just ignore me...
I have been reading a book that has been hitting the mark as I think about my WH. I wasn't reading the book to gain insight about what was going on in the bedroom but there was chapter that really spoke to me and made me think about our sexual history in the recent years past...
The amount of sex my WH was having with me was a huge issue with him prior to A, which I wasn't aware of how much it was irritating him; and during the A, the sex really sucked unless I put the effort into it and there would be typical guilting me into doing it. There are many physical, non-controllable things that I was going through prior to A that were contributing to the lack of sex. He knew what they were, I cried a lot, I was at my wits end, and he was also trying to control how I should medically approach these issues since, of course, he's in the medical profession, he knew more than them, and was worried about what I was putting into my body.
It is interesting, because about the time I was returning back to normal, he started his fuck-fest. So, here I am, finally feeling like I can be a wife again and regain some normalcy, he was treating me awful, I was on a roller coaster ride. It was back and forth, non-stop--love you so much, can't live without you, just want us happy; next day, why are there dishes in the sink, I don't want to do dishes on my day off--yes, very true. So now, those physical issues have been addressed but I STILL don't initiate with him or want to have sex with him. We were definitely not a dead bedroom, and I would throw hail Mary's every once in a while trying to go out of the box to spice it up, to make HIM happy. I was starting to lose myself and not being the person I really wanted to be in bed.
Where did this get me as his wife? Nowhere, since H was not returning those hail Mary's and being the loving, kind, compassionate partner that I deserved. When someone is constantly badgering you, not helping out with the kids, you're exhausted, and you can't seem to do anything that keeps him happy, you pretty much give up. Why should I keep giving it my 110% for him to give 50% and then be "rewarded" for that shitty behavior with my intimacy and emotions that I DON'T feel...?
I guess what I am saying is that if you are contemplating your sex life as it relates to his A--about the amount of sex or type of sex or intimacy or whatever sex related--and your goal is to R, then please don't listen to him say that he wasn't getting enough sex and that was making him unhappy. I am sure you were very unhappy with him about a few things as well!!
You giving him more sex, porn sex, sex with toys, etc. is not going to help him get the amount of sex that he thinks he deserves. Most likely, you are going to resent him more and more as time goes on because he is not going to see how much of the problem begins with him--before you ever walk into the door of the bedroom.
Maybe this is not the point at all in your post, but I think I know where you are coming from and thought I could relate. What I have realized is that when I thought we had a pretty damn good marriage, we actually didn't--it was one sided with me doing all of the work. WH was not doing his part. I have read it over and over and it seems to be pretty consistent--the person that cheats is the person with the least investment in the M. I could not even fathom cheating because I was putting all of my time and energy into it and didn't want to see it fail. He had character flaws that kept him from being the partner, father, and friend that he should have been and those same character flaws were what caused this shitstorm. It had NOTHING to do with the amount of sex he was getting--that was the symptom, not the problem.
Lots of hugs Layla.