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I am a wayward and I am looking for guidance on rebuilding trust. I know there is no easy solution or one size fits all method. I am 2 years out from DDay#2. These are the things I am doing so far: I have kept no contact, I have shared all passwords, my phone is always out and available, I am no longer on social media, I communicate my schedule and any changes in it, I have set strong boundaries and abide by them, I am focusing on my own integrity and being honest with everyone, most importantly myself. I feel like there is more I can be doing, but I don’t know where to go next on this journey. If you have any suggestions or know of things that helped you during this process, I would love to hear them.

One thing missing from your post is a comment about your motivation in rebuilding trust. And why you are cutting contact, setting boundaries, etc.

Are you doing these things to maintain a marriage?

Rekindle things with spouse?

Have you put aside feelings and desire for another person?

Or are the techniques you list designed to just prevent temptation that you would succumb to without being monitored?

These are the kinds of questions you'll need to address with yourself and your spouse if you are to rebuild trust.

[This message edited by michzz at 10:27 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

You are off to a good start HumbledSpirit. Transparency is a necessary factor towards rebuilding trust, and is by far one of the easier steps to take, as long as you are truly NC'd and being honest.

I know this sounds lame, but honestly, the best way to rebuild trust, is to simply be someone trustworthy. Be honest, be open, in everything you do, not just with your spouse. "Yes, those jeans do make your butt look huge" kind of honest.

During our affairs, we lied, we sneaked, we betrayed, we did all sorts of very selfish and uncaring things to our spouses. Having our passwords helps, but really, it only puts our spouses into the role of playing policeman.

Think of it this way. Suppose your kid keeps taking cookies from the cookie jar. When they get caught, it is suggested to move the cookie jar to a more visible place.

Now think about this. Does this make you feel that your child is really serious about feeling badly about stealing those cookies and has learned their lesson? Or does it feel more like they simply agreed to make it "more difficult" for them to steal cookies, but that they still would if you weren't home to watch them?

Now imagine this... your child, having been caught, changes their attitude. They show extreme guilt and remorse, feel badly for disappointing you and seem to understand that they broke your trust, and took more than their fair share, and lied to you. They break down crying about how badly they hurt you, and promise to never, ever, ever again steal a cookie, whether you are there to watch them or not?

Which scenario would make you feel safer about your kid stealing a cookie?

What our spouses need from us is not transparency alone. It is a change in who we are and how we operate that they seek. Having your passwords (for example) only means that they still would have to log in to your accounts daily, constantly, and make sure that you are doing what you said you are doing, and even then, almost anyone can figure out how to delete emails and texts so that they don't get caught. What a spouse needs is to feel, truly know, that you are a changed person, that you care more about hurting them than you do with the pain of being caught.

So, my advice, is to work on yourself, and the reasons you chose to have an affair, and why it was okay to lie and do things that hurt your spouse and your family, and yourself. Then make changes in your life to be a better person. The goal is to make the transparency meaningless, by becoming someone trustworthy and respectable. Honesty, authenticity, vulnerability... these things help heal the wounds that were caused way more than any, "Ok, I did (the thing) you asked me to do, do you trust me now?" mentality.

Good luck, and welcome.

Dear Humbledspirit,

You need to make your BS your one and only priority for the rest of your life. These are things I have done, doing and will continue to do until my death. I put her first every moment of everyday. I have gone back to church and became a believer in God, I put my life in his hands and got baptized. Every day that I wake up and see my wonderful wife next to me I thank God for another wonderful day. I repent every morning for my sins and the hurt that I caused her.

I’m broken, and I’m angry at my sin. I want to kill it, not me. I’m not suicidal. I’m a sin-hater and a sin-murderer. (“Put to death what is earthly in you,” Colossians 3:5; “Put to death the deeds of the body,” Romans 8:13.) I want to live. That’s why I’m a killer — of my sin!

I have taken a class at church called Celebrate Recovery, it is for people with hurts, habits and hang-ups. That course was an amazing journey to see where I was, where I am and where I am going. This course helps me to recover from the pain and horrible shit I have done to her. Take a polygraph. Getting couples marriage counseling is another great way to try and heal.

Your marriage will never be the same again and don’t expect to rebuild what you had, that is gone. You must focus on making a new marriage, a better one than you ever had. Be that person your BS has ever wanted. Never take your marriage for granted ever again.

When your BS gets triggered or is upset with you, just sit there and listen. No matter how upset they get or the words they use, just sit there and listen. Remember we caused this horrible event(s) in their lives. They did not ask for it nor deserved any of the shit we put them through. Now we must be there no matter what for them till the end. On days that seem the world is coming to an end you must give your anxiety to God. Cast all your anxieties on him — so you are not being weighed down by them anymore. (1 Peter 5:7). He gave us faith, hope and love, which love is the greatest of all. Remember Love never fails.

I love my wife more than anything in the universe and there is nothing I won’t do for her. She is my one and only priority in life. I hold her and tell her every day how sorry I am for all the hurt and pain that I caused her. I let her know what I am doing at work by email and phone calls. When I am at home I am by her side letting her know I am here for her 24/7/365.

There will be days that no matter how perfect you are, how many times you console them, hold them, show them, tell them and nothing works. Just wait. In James 1:2-4 says 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. It works. Just wait because God won’t let you down and Love never fails.

Do all things without grumbling. No grumbling — inside or outside. (Philippians 2:14)

On a side note I did not believe in God for the first 48 years of my life. He is here to stay, I am a true believer in God. I will never walk in the shadows again.

Before I launch into this I want to say I am a BS who also got to deal with a d-day #2, and I have a WH who has made some very positive changes, and I am not sure that I can consider R anyway. I am not trying to be personally harsh - just honest. Also, I am not the normal BS I'm beginning to realize - things that make some feel better don't help me at all and vice versa, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

I don't give a crap about transparency. What I mean by that is exactly what DaddyDom said - the cookie jar analogy is perfect really - I have no interest in being a policeman or a detective. None. In fact I'm done with that crap - entirely. The minute I think I want to access that stuff is the minute I know I need to be done. That being said, I am in the VERY SMALL minority of BSs who don't seem to care about transparency as a method of making me feel better. I'm guessing that for me, part of that stems from the fact that the vast majority of my WH's A-related activities (like 99% of them) during our year of false-R occurred while my WH was at work. His devices were clean at home - by design - to give me a false sense of security. I ultimately caught him because I set a trap I knew he could not resist - and he didn't. Disgusting.

Transparency is fine - it's a good thing to offer, but it's not the real work.

For me, d-day 2 was/is so much worse than d-day 1. The damage is SO MUCH GREATER because it was all done ON PURPOSE, by design, to trick and deceive as well as betray. There is no way to claim for a second that "it just happened" or "I didn't want to hurt you" anymore after that - the hurt is clear, the just happened isn't possible. It's 100% purposeful, no excuse, deception in the worst of ways.

My WH has a monumental task ahead of him in rebuilding trust - and strangely he has made a lot of progress in that department - and let me tell you, after d-day 2 I would have thought he was more capable of killing me than of changing. Seriously - I'm surprised beyond belief. The change that has been the most helpful to moving in a direction towards rebuilding trust is his change in attitude, his willingness to talk openly, his ability to reign in his frustrations, and his clear attempts at actually TRYING to put me in front of him sometimes.

Here's an example of me disagreeing with the conventional wisdom on SI:

You need to make your BS your one and only priority for the rest of your life.

No. If my WH did this I would freak out and have him committed. I need to feel like A MAIN priority - not the only priority. Part of what got him and us into this mess is because he neglected to make himself a priority - his morals, his values, his ideals - and he caved into a small broken part of himself. You cannot do the "work" on yourself if your BS is your main priority all the time.

What has made me feel the best - is seeing my WH working on himself. I can feel the changes in the way he talks, the things he says, and how he considers things that I say. Our "fighting" is different - whereas I was ALWAYS the one to bring us back to Earth if an argument escalated, the last few times, HE has been the one to do that. He does not seem afraid to tell me how he feels, even if it's not good. He does not seem afraid to call me out on something or open up about things - we talk "differently" now. He checks in to see how I'm doing, even when I know he's tired and doesn't want to do anything but relax at home.

It is apparent from his actions that he CARES about me and my feelings and wants us to be better - but ultimately wants me to be better. The basis of my lack of trust stemmed from the fact that during his A/false R, it was pretty clear that he didn't give a shit about my feelings - not really. Had he given a crap about my actual feelings - had he cared - he woudln't have been able to do this. How could I ever trust someone who didn't care about me? Why would I?

So hand in hand with trust is caring - showing me that he does care about me and about himself - his true self - not the addicted to momentary highs self-destructive self. He said last night that he feels guilty talking to me about what really happened during his A (about how he felt about it versus us etc) not because he knows that it's all so hard for me to hear - the guilt stems from how telling the truth makes him feel better about himself. He hates that those feelings for him have to coincide with my hurt...but, and we talked about this just last night, going forward, the truth shouldn't hurt so much about what's happening now as there isn't any betrayal or lies or secrets.

It's consistency and caring and loving not only your BS but yourself - and being able to show that to them. At least that's it for me.

For the first time in a LONG time I thought about reaching out to my WH in a loving manner this morning without it being mixed with my usually pulling back because of the A. I had to resist the temptation to send him an "I love you" message (I say resist as I haven't committed to R and I don't want to send mixed messages - I'd rather tell him in person so I can communicate that better than a text) and it's because I can actually SEE and FEEL his changes and because we have talked, I understand his motivations better. We are a LONG way from trust, but I BELIEVE him now, and that's the first step.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling post. IDK if that helped at all - but try to remember that everyone is different - and that trust takes time and a commitment to yourself. If you make that commitment to change yourself to be the trustworthy person you want to be because YOU want to change your BS will see and feel those changes. It will be apparent.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 12:04 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

BS here that echoes much of what ThisIsSoLonely says.

Transparency is not the real work - though, perhaps unlike TISL, I do expect my WH to provide me with the logins/passwords, etc. (my WH also did 99% of his A-related activities at work). Doesn't mean I will exercise the right/authority/ability to check up and be the frigging affair police (something NO spouse EVER asked for), but it means that option is AVAILABLE to me at any given moment.

We see it over and over and over here on SI and I truly believe the real "key" is vulnerability. I think we can tell when the WS is "going through the motions" and checking the "to do" boxes, but nothing more (which is where my WH is - and what TISL felt during the A/false R). And I think TISL shared some actions/behaviors that help her "see" that her WH is opening up and being vulnerable.

I can feel the changes in the way he talks, the things he says, and how he considers things that I say. Our "fighting" is different.... He does not seem afraid to tell me how he feels, even if it's not good. He does not seem afraid to call me out on something or open up about things - we talk "differently" now.

And - perhaps most importantly - what does your BS want/need? Have you asked HER? If not, that seems like it would be a red flag to me that you are doing an excellent job checking the boxes, but not the deeper stuff of vulnerability and (or by) communicating with your BS.

Rebuilding trust as succinctly as I can put it. . .

Your actions matching your words consistently over time. That is on you.

The person with whom you'd like to trust you more has to take little leaps of faith along the way.

That is why trust is so hard to rebuild. You both have to "want" to build trust again and play your respective roles.

Being honest with emotions even when they are difficult are key to this process.

Transparency should have always been a given....from day one of your exclusive relationship. While it may seem like a large accomplishment/concession, the truth is it should always have been there. BUT.....it definitely does not hurt that you are transparent now---just acknowledge to yourself that this was something that should have always been freely given.

For me, the trust started to return with the clear efforts that WW was making to better herself. NOT FOR ME, but for her truly wanting to be a better person. That, along with her letting go of any preconceived outcome, definitely helped me. Knowing that she ACCEPTED that our marriage may not work, and continuing to put in the personal efforts on herself, showed me that it was not a possible manipulation tactic. She wanted to be a better person....and her actions showed such.

As a betrayed spouse, I think what would rebuild trust (and the relationship) is very individual. I wish my spouse would ask me what I want to feel safe and give it to me.

I am only a few weeks out from the next portion of trickle truth (that it was not "just" an EA but was actually a PA) so my answers might be different in 2 years. However, what I want to see is a commitment to the truth and transparency and genuine remorse that changes lives.

The actions that I am looking for reflect an acknowledgement of the true pain caused me and a willingness to work every day to be the kind of man who would never do that to me again.

I do not want to be a jailer. I want someone who shows me they have a conscious and boundaries and use them. I want to see empathy and genuine concern for me.

I want my spouse to show me in the little things that he is not the same selfish man who betrayed me. That can be as simple as making sure not to use the last of the toilet paper or coffee creamer or to wipe up the counter when he makes a sandwhich.

It can be asking me what I want to watch on TV or listen to on the radio at least part of the time. I would need to feel like he saw me as more than a couch (something to be used for his comfort) and more like a pearl (something valuable for its beauty).

This may not apply in your situation, but I hope this helps :)

I didn't read all of the other responses so I'm sorry if I write something someone else did.

For me, I lied about everything even before my Affair and my BS know I did. I would say that I did something or would do something and never followed through with it. I don't do that anymore . If I say I'm going to do something, I do. Keep in mind, I do struggle with following through with talking about my affair. Thats defensiveness and I'm really working on that. I'm not the lump on the couch I used to be though. I pull my share around the house, I am being a parent and a husband. Follow through with what you say and I think that may help a little. Hope it helps.

I didn't read all of the other responses so I'm sorry if I write something someone else did.

For me, I lied about everything even before my Affair and my BS know I did. I would say that I did something or would do something and never followed through with it. I don't do that anymore . If I say I'm going to do something, I do. Keep in mind, I do struggle with following through with talking about my affair. Thats defensiveness and I'm really working on that. I'm not the lump on the couch I used to be though. I pull my share around the house, I am being a parent and a husband. Follow through with what you say and I think that may help a little. Hope it helps.

It could be that your BS needs to rebuild trust in him/her self.

In a very real sense, we BS's betray ourselves. We may see or sense something suspicious, but tell ourselves that our partner would never cheat on us. I bent over backwards to believe her outrageous lies - I suspected strongly, and yet never confronted because I never felt I had enough proof. So it was ME that allowed the affair to continue - and even now, going on 18 years after Dday, I can't forgive myself.

I suggest you acknowledge that with your partner. That your affair wasn't their fault, and you used their sacred trust against them.

As to getting that level of trust back... sorry, but I don't think it's possible.