SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH's affair was awhile back. No, the pain never goes away completely - it lessens. Yes, there are still triggers. We have a good relationship in marriage. The most difficult thing for me is to hold back the great sarcastic remarks that pop into my head, when the opportunity arises. I am able to find humor, of most any life situation, even affairs of betrayal. Interesting read, if you have an analogy, also. Here is mine:

After you rekindled that spark with your old girlfriend, and began paddling down that tranquil stream together, in your little canoe of love - did you never once think of me or see me behind you, screaming and fighting for life, in a flood of disaster on my dollar store air mattress?

NO - You did not.

Dollar store air mattress vs the little canoe of love?

Makes perfect sense to me. It's one way to describe what it feels like to be disposable.

my Now X had the nerve to compare how “fine” he was and act like there was something wrong with me for not “getting over it”. (This was of course all during false r while he was still cheating and lying about many other things)

I said, “my closest relative INTENTIONALLY ran me over the car, and then when I was laying in the street broken and damaged, backed the car up and ran me over again. I’m recovering from being hit by a car and knowing a person I loved did it to me on purpose, your recovering from feeling bad about being the driver. There is no comparison”

Every persons situation is different, but in my case, it turns out he was faking feeling bad about being the driver and actually enjoyed it. Sociopaths don’t feel empathy. In fact, I actually think he ran me over a few extra times because he was pissed that there wasn’t enough damage done. He expected me to leave or quit and I kept forgiving and loving him. Me standing up after getting hit the first few times fueled a deep rage.

Life leaning lesson for me. Don’t bond with someone intentionally abusing you.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 7:37 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

I always said he shot me full of holes and then get angry at me for bleeding, trying to convince me it didn't hurt. All the while continuing to shoot.

Life leaning lesson for me. Don’t bond with someone intentionally abusing you.

Yikes. Seems like a no brainer, and yet many of us do exactly this. We are so focused on avoiding loss and give no thought to what we are actually trying to win.

When my W fell in love with OM1 it was like being in a car going down a mountain road when the steering and brakes fail.

My WW was with multiple men, some for LTA’s, some for ONS. This went on for a total of 22 years.

I picture her standing nude in a park, under a lovely tree with a very slight breeze blowing. It is early summer and a beautiful day, and she has a stack of papers next to her, all copies of our marriage vows. As she takes the top sheet, this nude guy comes up beside her and puts one arm around her. While both are laughing, she tears the paper up into small pieces and lets them fall to the ground. She and he turn to each other, grinning, embrace each other, and start kissing. Before long, they are on top of the pieces of our vows having sex, enjoying every second of it. When they finish, they stand up with one arm around the other’s waist. They look at the paper on the ground, point to the small pieces, then laugh loudly for a while, pleased with what they’ve done. Then as nature calls, they pee all over the torn marriage vows, smiling and laughing the entire time. When they finish, they kiss lovingly and he leaves. She grabs another copy and moves to a dry patch of ground where another nude guy is waiting for her and they repeat the process over again.

My wife spent six months with her ex-girlfriend, acting irresponsibly just like when they were together before we met. Oddly enough OW was envious of how responsible my wife had become during our 16 years together (before she went off the rails and wanted to escape adulting), and she told her she wished she had been so mature and adult when they were together. But it seems it only took OW those six months to undo all of my wife’s growth. It had been taken nearly all of 3 1/2 years for my wife to realize it and see that she really had been happier in our relationship than she had thought.

Moral of the story: you only get what you put into a relationship. Seems her ex/OW never got the memo. She is alone, wishing she had someone

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 11:50 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Physical violence. It felt more painful than any beating I’ve ever taken.

My wayward was a really close friend. My first partner died in our bed. I plummeted into survivors guilt cause I thought I should have been able to save him. I was literally starving myself to death because I felt so guilty that my dead partner couldn’t eat anymore. 6 months later I was on the verge of an involuntary hospital commitment (5’9” and 92lbs) and my “friend” showed up to help. Two months after that I was pregnant and married. I felt guilty for loving him. Guilty for feeling guilty for loving him. I defined the term hot mess. I know, I know.

6 years later I found out he cheated at every opportunity, with anyone that gave him the slightest interest, and even some that didn’t. Emotional affairs within two months of marriage. Physical affairs with hookers and free whores before a year. He acted out the entirety of our marriage up to Dday. Including on my first birthday as his wife, most the holidays, etc... He was desperate and had absolutely no standards or ethics.

So when he told me, it felt like physical violence and I described it as such. I needed a friend and got a monster. Every kiss to some skank was a sucker punch to my face. Orgasmning into some strange whore on my birthday was the same as slamming a ball bat into my chest. Kicks in the head, punches, slaps, choking.... I likened every act of infidelity and gaslighting as the most brutal sorts of physical violence, cause that’s how it felt. I described it in the most vivid detail I could and told him that I would have preferred he beat me, cause then I could at least see it coming. I could dodge the hits or fight back. The lying and gaslighting I likened to him snapping my spine and paralyzing me so I couldn’t escape his abuse.

On top of all that, Dday threw me right back into the original grief that I’d subverted. I cried for my dead husband. The one who had loved me sooooo much. I missed him so badly I would have tore my skin off if it meant I could talk to him again. But then I felt guilty and disloyal to my husband for grieving for the dead one again. I felt like a cheater to both. ....sigh

All together, it made him vomit. He went pale, turned to our yard and vomited in the rocks. He did it a lot those first few months.

It remains to be seen if the horror of realizing one was a predatory, exploitative monster can initiate profound personality change. Unfortunately, it seems as if he’s forgot the way he felt about himself those first few months after Dday. Pretty sure he’s forgiven himself. I don’t think I have yet.

[This message edited by LongSigh at 2:58 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]