SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found incriminating texts and photos on WW phone last Tuesday. I have her passcode and had a strange feeling. There was no doubt it was at least an EA. I sent the proof to my phone before I confronted. Once confronted she packed and said I'd never forgive her. The next day came back and confessed to PA over the last 3 months and called it an Exit Affair. No problem with me! If you don't want to be here don't let the door hit you in the ass. Have an appointment with a divorce atty next week and have worked out most of the major details. All children are adults and we have been married almost 30 years. The text messages and calls go on and on since the end of February. She was talking to him while I was in the other room almost nightly

BTW she was fired from her job a month ago for being too friendly.

There's a section here called divorce/seperation. Start posting in there. You will find that you will recieve a lot more appropriate counsel.

Sorry rtrdad. Sounds like you have a plan— great! Make sure you take care of yourself physically - this stuff is rough. See your doctor for STD testing, eat healthfully (many lose too much weight from the infidelity diet), drink lots of water and avoid alcohol, and get some exercise.

Many of us have benefited from counseling— IC can help us navigate the roller coaster. Think about it.

And yeah, lots of good folks over in the S/D forum— join us!

You should inform the other mans wife if he's married.

In my opinion all acts of infidelity are exit affairs depending on the desires and needs of the betrayed spouse and actions of the wayward spouse......possibly.

You can post here or in divorce and separation. Many of the coolest members hang out in that forum. It is your choice.

1st. Believe nothing she says and 50% of what you see. She will lie and then lie some more. Your wayward wife said it was an exit affair yet she lied and manipulated you for a significant amount of time before confronted. If it was an exit affair she would have left immediately. This is just wayward "cheater speak" in my opinion.

2nd. Do not do the pick me dance. Give her to the other man or whoever else she can live with. Many times reality will set in and she may change her mind. Be prepared for what you want. Do not accept any responsibility for her crap (wayward actions). She also must become remorseful and engage in a path of healing.

3rd. Take care of yourself. Eat, drink H2O, and sleep if possible. Do not allow yourself to spiral into a health crisis.

4th. Divorce was my path out of infidelity. I have not regretted my decision. Fear sometimes causes a betrayed husband to become paralyzed in limbo hell. Avoid this mindset and predicament.

5th. Read up on the 180 to gain emotional space. It is in the healing library. Consider going no contact. It is great not being apart of a wayward spouse's infidelity. This really clarified my intentions with my wayward wife. It is nice not to discuss wayward behavior or a spouses infidelity.

6th. She owns her infidelity. Nothing you did or did not do caused her to cheat and betray you. Her actions reflect a character deficit that she must heal.

My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.

confessed to PA over the last 3 months and called it an Exit Affair.

Of course I'm speculating... but this alone tells me she has done extensive research on affairs/ending marriages and most likely planned this strategy long before her admission of guilt from 90 days ago.

Again more speculation... but don't be surprised for your WW to try to come back before the ink on the D papers is dry claiming she made a big mistake.

One hell of a cowardly way to end a thirty year marriage. Sorry.

rtrdad:

Sorry you find yourself here. Sounds like you know your own mind and this is a dealbreaker for you. Great. Get tested for STD’s. Expose the A to the OBS if there is one. See an attorney and file for D. I agree this is a terribly cowardly way to end a long term M. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:26 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

rtrdad, I am sorry you have had to join this club.

All children are adults

Have you told the children what is going on and that you are considering a D?

Once confronted she packed and said I'd never forgive her

She has told you what you will and will not do. She may use this statement with your children in an attempt to make you out to be the bad guy.

she was fired from her job a month ago for being too friendly

Was he a coworker? If D is going to happen you might consider waiting until she is working again. Without an income you might end up having to pay a large fee to support her if she can't support herself.

Spouses who have an exit affair “are done” and don’t worry about whether they would be forgiven.

She’s playing the victim card.

if it is an exit affair, did she still keep affairs normal with you during the affair or did you live apart? If she pretended everything was normal she was checking out the OM out while keeping you on the side. Any interest in getting the details of the OM and letting his wife know if he is married?

Looks like you have the added pleasure of supporting her for a while. Hope infidelity count where you live

[This message edited by goalong at 8:03 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

Sorry you are here.

Roll Tide Roll.

I admire your decisiveness. I only wish I filed upon discovering my wife's infidelity. I put myself through hell for 6 months - filed and then dismissed the action when she revealed all to me but told me that she wanted our marriage to work for us and for the kids. It was the standard false R that lasted for another 6 months until we are now again in the process of D. Stick with your gut (I wish I did). If she's telling you it's an exit affair then she no longer loves you. I was not able to wrap my head around the fact that this was no longer the woman that I pledged my life to 19 years ago. Take good care of yourself. Eat right and get plenty of sleep and try to stay away from her as much as possible. We are stuck in the house together and she refuses to put it up for sale until the D is final. Not speaking to her does wonders for me. Wishing you all the best and glad you found SI, it really helps to know that many of us have been through what you have and come out better in the end.

She's moving out. She owns her own home and has her own funds. I'm not going to discuss this with any of the children ever unless she tells them. I only have to wait 30 days and judge signature once we agree to final details. She has a college degree and is able to work. I just would like to get this settled ASAP with minimal damage. I'm not longer monitoring her location or text messages. It just isn't healthy for me.

Man I'm so sorry this happened to you. But I admire your self control and presence of mind. Just make sure you get into some counseling, or find a real person you can talk to about this.

Use your silence as leverage to protect your rep. Tell your WW that as long as she plays nice you will keep her affair a secret, but that the first wind you get of her dissing you or talking smack about you will result in the whole world being made aware of her adultery and what a treacherous snake she truly is.

Livingwithpain you get me!

She's on a course and I cannot change her. I can only change me. I'm traveling this week with oldest son to DC where he starts his first job after college with the government. Got his apartment and moving him in and making sure he's off to a great start. He gets my focus this week as I'm Dad.

Her.....unemployed, running over to single OM's apartment. As Dr. Phil says, "Good Luck with that!"

Livingwithpain you get me!

She's on a course and I cannot change her. I can only change me. I'm traveling this week with oldest son to DC where he starts his first job after college with the government. Got his apartment and moving him in and making sure he's off to a great start. He gets my focus this week as I'm Dad.

Her.....unemployed, running over to single OM's apartment. As Dr. Phil says, "Good Luck with that!"

Your kids aren't stupid and will know somethings up. Keeping them in the dark won't help them or you.

You can tell them the truth in a sanitized way.

It's reall not your job to help hide this.

I agree with Marz. Your kids are all adults and will need to be told something.

You don't have to give them all the details, but I think it would be wise of you to tell them the reason for the divorce is that she was unfaithful.

As adults they will understand and appreciate being given the facts, even if they don't like that it happened.

That said, it's great that you were able to stand up for yourself and act decisively!

We agree. Children are smart and will figure it out.

For now, my plan is to move forward with divorce so she can be with OM. We all know how that will end?

I'll then move forward post divorce with my life.

She fits the profile of an unremorseful WW. She has apologized for her actions but wants divorce.

I'm being patient as she will always be the mother of my children and I will always have some type of relationship. I feel sorry for her poor choices and how she stabbed me, her greatest advocate, in the back with her A.

Just read "Romantic Infidelity" by Dr. Frank Pittman

and it seems to shed light on possible motivations and things going on in her life. I truly feel sorry for her, but I cannot ever trust her again.