SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

three weeks since Dday.

we are seperated, me full 180/no contact apart from kids.

she has shown no remorse, nothing to build on anyway.

she is still seeing him, still fucking him in our own home.

but i love her. deeply. i want to be with her forever.

but i have to divorce her, don't I? there is no real option.

we are meeting with the bank to talk about the mortgage. I have told her I will be divorcing her.

But it breaks my heart, almost constantly.

But I think If if sit around and wait to see if she ever comes out of the "fog" i could be doing that for years. and it feels like i am being abused all the time i awaiting.

since going no contact and 180, this has shocked her somewhat i think. her world is falling in. but i think she is too far gone up her own ass to ever put the breaks on and come running back to me.

heartbreaking, divorcing someone you love. but i cant do anything else, can I?

has anyone here divorced when its really the last thing you want? that you still love them and pine for them to come home?

god help me.

and the weird thing is is that it's ME talking divorce. It's me arranging everything.

so despite her still seeing this guy, it SEEMS like she doesn't really want to divorce, either.

A total cake eater.

Every time I talk divorce you can see her go completely unsettled.

My theory is that she had her fling and thought i would just shrug my shoulders and carry on. but i didnt, i broke down...and she has carried on fucking him anyway.

i think my initial reaction that first week drove them closer together.

she confessed the affair to me. i broke down.

so we could be in the mind-bending situation where we divorce and both of us deep down don't even want to.

maybe it is sensible to "wait" for a cake eater, but detaching all the while. but i won't wait much longer. it's killing me. thanks for listening.

Bud, "they always come running back" is a myth.

As is "she's in the fog". She's a grown married woman. She knows exactly what she's doing but continues anyway. You are correct she wants to cake eat at your expense.

She may not want a divorce for only one reason. If it doesn't work out with her other man she has plan B to come back to.

Those that get strong quick and stay there come out of these situations best no matter which way they go.

Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me too, thing.

Her actions tell you what?

Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.

You don't have true clarity yet but a hard 180 no contact will get you there. Her actions leave you little choice unless you want to totally destroy your own self respect. IMO with her continued affair in your face tells you what you need to know.

Living in infidelity when they show and tell you who they are is self imposed limbo. The only one that can keep you where you are is yourself. What good would that do for you?

Sorry you're here in this situation but it is not the end of your world. Many go through where you are and long term come out fine. Although this early it may not look that way.

Take care and above all stay strong.

From reading your posts you had better have a good attorney because you cannot trust her or anything she says at this time.

You may be the one that's in the fog.

No good mother destroys her family and brings another man into her children's life like she's doing.

I hope you become fully awaken to where you are. If not you could get hosed badly. She will do exactly what her other man tells her at this time and he is looking for a well financed free ride at your expense.

thanks Marz, you're speaking sense. googling the shit out of the BS fog as we speak. I need to wake up.

It hurts immensely when in the initial stages of dealing with infidelity and gaining space to protect yourself and children. It may help to plot out a detailed path forward and stop smoking the hopium (failing to deal with the reality of the situation because of fantasy or looking at the situation through rose colored glasses).

I experienced the longing for the way we were. It took me awhile to fall out of love. However, I never let her see me bleed.

Life outside of infidelity is much better for me. I have no desire to interact with her on any level. I do not hate her. I just do not care. I do not wish to be wasting mental energy on her and her wayward choices. I am a firm believer in "hard no contact." Life with a wayward spouse or parasitic relationships have no appeal to me.

Once you hit the anger stages of the grief cycle and the oxytocin begins to wear off you will start to prioritize yourself and the children.

This is just my opinion. I do not see how you can love someone and put them through infidelity and betrayal.

Maybe you should also research and analyse what love means to you.

You may also wish to take her off the pedestal you have placed her on. Dragging the POSOM into your home to have sex with him is extremely abusive.

Also, what helped me was to perform a simple T analysis printed out on paper.

On the left hand side list qualitities and behaviors of a spouse or your wayward wife pre-infidelity that reflect your values and a fulfilling marriage.

On the right side list the deficits of character and actions of your wayward wife.

Take a look at this list when you start to question your decision.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:52 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Listen to Marz.

They don't always come running back and you can stop with the hope.

I'm in the same boat as you. Dday was 6/25 and she moved out 7/5. I filed 7/12 and I'm now in the 30 day waiting period.

WW is living with her dad who has Alzheimer disease and leaves his house at night to sleep with OM and then return at 5 a.m.

Just tough being patient at this time but please file and stop her cake eating.

It's the only way out of infidelity.

From someone who is a bit further out than you.....I am 2.5 years post Dday. I’m 1.5 years since my D was official. My XWW was un-remorseful, belittled me as a human and a Dad, constantly tries to make me feel like a shitty Dad and still shows very obvious signs of selfishness and narcissism.

I had to file for D, prepare the marital house to be sold, clean out the house, and basically push XWW over the finish line to make our D official. I had to do it all by myself with zero help from XWW. She kicked and screamed along the way.

But from someone who is a few years out......all I can say is...I don’t regret a thing. For me, I am far from perfect. I owned up to not being a perfect Husband. But that’s what marriage is about. Your partner may not be perfect but they are perfect for you. Anyone who will consciously and purposely abuse me as if “I deserve it” is not someone I want to be around or more importantly married to. I don’t wish ill on XWW and she seems happy now. She has a BF (not AP) Her being happy will only benefit my kids and me trying to co-parent with her. But we arent and never will be “friends” as I constantly have my guard up with her. But IMO she is emotionally immature and was probably never ready for marriage. Your XWW sounds like she was created from the same mold.

You have received great advice this far. And its still fresh for you but trust me (and anyone else who has gone thru this) it does get better. It gets SOOO much better. It just takes time.

For me, I look back and its still a sad story and sad moment in my life. But I’m just grateful I didn’t waste anymore years with my XWW bc whether it happened after 9.5 years of marriage or 19.5 years it was gonna happen eventually. She’s narcissistic, selfish and plays the victim. Most cheaters (not all but most) carry these 3 characteristics. Again, not someone I want to be around or married to.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 7:50 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

thank you all, i have devoured all your posts and carefully read each word and they have helped me immensely.

Puffstuff: I had to divorce my husband but still love him til this day. In my opinion there was no choice. He was still lying about things and I knew I just could not live that way. It would have been torture. I wish you the best.

so Islandgirl, does that still cause you pain or have you grown into acceptance?

I'm going through a divorce now and still love my wife. She still tells me she loves me too. She can't tell me what her AP gives her that I can't. In fact a week ago yesterday I thought we were actually working on things. Spent the morning making love with her and having her tell me how much she missed me and us and everything...and the next day she is stating she can't let go of her AP.

I was really looking for an excuse to cancel the parenting class that I have to take for the divorce. It's tomorrow and well there's no reason to cancel it at this point. I do NOT want to divorce my wife and I do still love her but I can't share her any longer. She has stated that she wants us both and can't choose. I told her by not choosing then she was making her choice.

None of this is easy for the BS. Especially when we haven't fallen out of love.

The words of a wannabe cake eater don't mean shit. They just want the best of both worlds at your expense of course.

Cheaters lie a lot. You can't believe it trust anything they say. Their actions tell you everything you need to know.

Limbo is a self imposed state. It is up to you to get out of it.

Marz is right. You are doing the right thing. it is still so fresh, you haven't had any time to heal. I think that most people, three weeks out were a disaster (I was) and I wasn't smart enough to file then. I would have been better off if I had.

I think 6 months from now, you will feel the same. The 180 is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. You are still hurting. Hopefully soon, you will start to feel angry at the way she is treating you. I think you will find the anger very strengthening. For me, it allowed me to focus on my future rather than my past. The pain you are feeling is all about what you have lost. Hopefully, you will be able to see what you have to gain in the future.

There isn't a switch that'll turn off instantly after which you can file. You control your own feelings. I was certainly in love with my XW when I filed for divorce. But this is where we BS show ourselves to be different. Ultimately we don't let the feelings dictate our actions. You can't wait for the love to dry up while she tramples on your dignity everyday.

There is no such thing as fog. I can guarantee that years from now, when all this is said and done, what you'll regret the most is not filing sooner.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 2:00 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

Puffstuff: I had to divorce my husband but still love him til this day. In my opinion there was no choice. He was still lying about things and I knew I just could not live that way. It would have been torture. I wish you the best.

You were smart. Unconditional one sided love if you let it control you just puts you in a worse situation.