SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW had several friends who knew about the affair, aided, abetted and supported it offering as a warning: "Have fun, don't get caught."

This continues to piss me off as many of these friends attended our wedding. I grant you that they were all friends she grew up with, but their reticence to discourage the affair or expose it, continues to trouble me to this day.

Three questions:

1.) Did you or your spouse have friends that knew of the affair?

2.) How did these friends respond?

3.) How did you respond to them?

1.) Did you or your spouse have friends that knew of the affair?

Yes, they knew

2.) How did these friends respond?

Not a single one talked to me about it However, the XH swore they all told him that he was an idiot and I would leave him if I ever found out which I did.

3.) How did you respond to them?

I cut ties with every single of one of them which was hard because we went to HS together

Each one of those people is an enemy of your marriage. There can't be any kind of meaningful R if any of them are still in her life, unless possibly if they have bent over backwards to make amends with you.

My WW's mother knew she had kissed another man and then when she finally admitted to the affair post DDay her mother was almost proud of how long she was able to hide it. My WW also confided in 2 friends, no one said anything to me.

Here's the issue that I have, before I was involved in this situation, I probably would have said that a friend is often a confidant moreso than the morality police. One of my wife's friends told her that it was a mistake (she didn't let me know) but she told her it was wrong. Before I became a BS, or rather, before I was aware I was a BS, I probably wouldn't have said anything either, in fact, when my "friends" were doing stupid things like this, I didn't take an active role (ironically, I knew my WW's AP was cheating on his GF, he was a friend of mine, I did tell his GF and she was really not interested). So I don't hold a lot of anger towards her friends, I don't think they know what all this is like and they didn't encourage it. I can understand that they may not have wanted to interfere, even though I would have liked to know. I can understand their inaction.

My MIL on the otherhand is a WS in her own right. I limit my interaction because She should have reacted completely differently. I don't tell my MIL I love her, I don't spend time voluntarily with her, and I avoid her at all cost. She's my MIL so I don't want to cut her out of my life, nor the life of my child.

I do agree with BFTG though, these people were enemies of your marriage, in the end no matter how much logic I can put on it, they helped my wife hiding it because they didn't out her. I can understand why people completely cut them out of their lives.

I think that had they supported the affair by means of encouraging it and helping the lies, aside from just omitting them, I would have completely cut them out. The people you describe cannot be beneficial to reconciling.

I cut ties with everyone that didn't confront my XGF many years ago. The saying goes, friends come and friends go. Some fall by the wayside due to life. Other friendships are terminated due to their actions.

My ex family knew.His coworkers too. I felt absolutely stupid when around them at first.Divorced and went nc, best decision ever.

WW told her friends, some encouraged her, others gently suggested that it’s a bad idea without telling me anything.

At least with the friends who encouraged her/also were having affairs, I told her to set some boundaries which she eagerly agreed to and promptly ignored. They’re now NC.

You can try to be reasonable and fair, but you can’t make your WW or her friends magically empathetic.

Realistically, if I told my friends I was thinking about starting to cook meth and they replied, “Don’t get caught”, I’d start to question whether we were actually friends. If your wife isn’t angry with these people for cheerleading her own self-destructive behaviors, she’s not remorseful. If she’s defending people who think hurting you is fun, she agrees with them.