SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What a wonderful place to be said no one ever..... Found out on Nov 4 that my wife of 10 years had been solicited by the F'ing yard guy and hid it from me....

My wife and I have been together since high school, currently in our early 30's, we own our own business and spend 95% of the day with one another. We are best friends and I love her more than anything.

Step back 3+/- years ago and our meathead yard guy had sent my wife a couple flirty messages saying she was in great shape and where did she work out. She immediately told me about it. I should have fired the bastard then immediately but he's also a sheriffs deputy and client of mine. We own a real estate brokerage and before I got around to firing him he and his wife at the time were looking to buy a house. I helped them with the purchase, got to know them both better, and assumed it was just harmless flirting and I trusted my wife 100%

My wife and I are pretty open about everything and she would joke around about the hunky meathead yard guy and I would joke about the cute Yoga instructor at our office complex.

Fast forward we have our first child. My wife and I hadn't planned on having kids. We just never really wanted children and were fine with that. My wife struggled with depression after childbirth. We slipped into our roles as parents and life moved on at a decent pace. We were/are happy but having a child just changes everything in life.

About 6 months ago our sex life had kinda stalled out on my account. We were having sex weekly but my wife's labido was much higher than my own. She told me one evening that she and one of her girlfriends had read about a sex challenge where you each pick 15 out of the ordinary places. I rolled my eyes when she mentioned it because I didn't really like her discussing our sex life with her friend and honestly at the time it was a mindfk for me because I literally had next to zero sexual appetite. The thought of having sex every day for 30 days seemed like a daunting task that I wouldn't be able to fulfil.

We had a pretty big argument about it, she was hurt that I had rolled my eyes and wasn't excited about doing it. The argument basically ended in a stalemate that festered along. We were still having sex weekly but it was just a frequent point of contention.

This past August my wife purchased an item off Ebay, the seller ripped her off. Ebay said she needed to have a police report in order to file a claim to get her $200 back.

She said let's get the yard guy/deputy to draft the report. I really didn't like the idea of my wife asking this guy any favors given the past remarks and I knew there was a mutual attraction. I argued with her and offered to just give her the money and to quit worrying about it. She insisted on having him do the police report.

She messages him from my phone explaining the situation. He offered to come to our house to fill out the police report. He came by did the report, and left. Nothing else came of it so I thought. This was on August 31st.

September 10th my wife, my 2 year old and I went to Denver. Had a nice family trip and all seemed well.

When we got back home things were well until September 25th I could tell something was just off. Things were pretty rocky for a couple weeks. We were arguing more than usual and it just felt to me like my wife was withdrawing from our relationship. I didn't think she was having an affair but I asked her if she had been talking to someone else. She denied it of course, but I just knew there was something wrong.

My wife used to go to NYC by herself every year so I told her to go have some fun and I would take care of Jr.

A couple days before her trip we had a huge argument. It culminated in my wife commenting that she felt like we were having to struggle to make our relationship work where as everything used to come so easy in the past. At one point we mentioned counseling and she said that couldn't talk to someone else because her heart was so full of darkness...

That was a huge red flag. it was like a cry for help honestly looking back.

I spent the next day contemplating life and our relationship. It just felt like things were coming undone.

When she left for the airport we spoke at length and she brought up the sex challenge and how much that had hurt her. I apologized about it and told her I didn't know what was going on but we had a really good thing going for a long time and I didn't want to lose her. She left for NYC on Oct 6 and Returned on Oct 9th

From that point forward things completely changed. We txted and talked the whole time she was gone. When she got back home our sex life made a complete 180. We were having sex on the daily and really good sex at that. My sex drive was better than ever.

Things were great, my wife loves hiking so I arranged for my mom to accompany us to TN to go hike Mt Leconte on October 28th which is one of my wife's favorite hikes. We went hiking, had a blast, life was good...

While we were in TN my wife and I were sitting at the hotel, she handed me her phone to show me a message from her friend. I read the message and then swiped up. For the first time in our relationship my wife lunged to get her phone back.

I knew something was up, I asked her what she was hiding, she said nothing....

On November 4th It was still bothering me why she jerked her phone. While my wife was at the gym that evening I opened her laptop and went through iMessage with her girlfriend.

Everything was totally innocent and typical conversation for my wife and her friend until I scrolled back to the beginning of October shortly before my wife's trip to NYC when things were at their worst.

I found where my wife had messaged her friend saying how she couldn't believe Scott the yard guy had messaged her again and how she was going to fire him if he didn't stop.

She confided to her friend that she liked the flattery and thought he was cute but she wasn't going to let him wreck our marriage.

Later while she was in NYC her friend messaged telling her to forget about that Greaseball.

My wife responds saying she wished she didn't think he was cute but he just has this way about him that makes her weak in the knees. I about puked when I read this.

My wife gets home, I immediately confront her. She comes clean and explained how Scott had messaged her the night he came over to fill out the police report saying how sexy she.

She told him he was being disrespectful to our marriage and he responded back saying that he was sorry and it would never happen again. She showed me the message from him apologizing but everything else had been deleted.

She swears that she wanted to tell me but knew I would have been outraged because I had told her not to get him involved to begin with.

Then he POS messaged her again on September 25th using FB messenger saying how if she ever changed her mind he would love to make her smile. Basically an open invite to have an affair. Wife swears she told him again that it wasn't happening and he ended it and he never messaged her again.

After I confronted my wife I called up the POS, he told the same exact story but left off the second solicitation. He apologized, said it was all his fault, and that she told him no and that nothing happened. No additional messages, no meetings, no anything.

My wife handed over her phone, laptop, passwords, etc. She had deleted the iMessages from him except for where he apologized about the first solicitation.

I know compared to most on here my story sounds mild, but dear god it just hurt so freaking bad knowing my wife had hid something like this from me. That she was enjoying the flattery... That she was telling her girlfriend that she thought he was cute and made her swoon.

I didn't eat or sleep for 2 days while I tried to process everything. The pain of just not knowing was so intense for those first two days.

I still don't know what exactly my wife said to the dirtbag because the messages were deleted and apparently you cannot recover a deleted FB message. That more than anything is still eating at me on the regular.

My mood bounces back and fourth between hysterical bonding and moments where I'm still scrutinizing every aspect digging for additional details that pretty much drives me insane.

My wife for her part has done everything I could ask her for short of inventing a time machine. She blocked the POS on FB and iMessage. She agreed to sign a postnuptial, she offered to take a lie detector test. She's answered every question repeatedly as I've cross examined her over and over again.

I really do think she's telling the truth but there was a couple week stretch after that 2nd message where things were just so damn off. Wife swears she was just torn between wanting to tell me, that she was in over her head, and how she felt terrible for liking the flattery from another man and how she wanted me to want her like the POS and how everything changed when she got back from NYC and we had reconciled our past baggage.

I really want to put it all behind us and just move forward but the not knowing is what kills me. She's offered to take a lie detector test but I'm honestly scared to death at the prospect of a false positive. I'm 99.99% positive nothing physical went on and I'm 95% positive she's telling me the truth about everything. She offered to ask the POS to send copies of the messages but I'm sure he deleted them also as he's in a relationship himself-SCUMBAG... I'd rather her not have any communication with him so I told her no on that idea.

I'm 100% positive it's not ongoing which is about the only thing that really matters. I'm 100% positive my wife and I love one another and that she is doing everything she can to regain my trust.

I'm damn sure taking her up on the postnuptial offer, so I'm open to any suggestions on that front.

Open to any suggestions on recovering deleted FB messages. I've read online a good deal and it appears they were fully deleted

Appreciate any advice or guidance moving forward.

Sounds like she was liking the ego kibbles enough to hide it. I doubt it was because she thought it'd make you mad. Doesn't sound like much else happened.

Now fire him like you should have done the first time. Next time you get that gut feeling. It's better to act than not.

I would inform his wife.

A long time ago a cop tried to get my wife in his car. Supposedly to give her a ride. Then followed her in his cruiser to my work. Luckily I had some witnesses who lived just across the street who saw the whole thing. To make a long story short I reported him and threatened to give the story to the newspaper. Come to find out this was the tip of the iceberg. He got suspended without pay and his wife ended up divorcing him.

Titles don't matter (doctors, attorneys, pastors, cops). They can be wolves in sheeps clothing.

Thanks for responding Marz,

I definitely fired the POS first thing on the spot. The regret of not having done it sooner eats at me all the time. I regret not doing that sooner more than anything.

I’d really like to notify his current girlfriend but I’d rather not make a public spectacle if possible. Poor girl deserves to know what kind of dirtbag she’s with.

My wife was definitely enjoying the flattery and knew it was wrong and said such to her friend. I mean I get it. If yoga girl had been messaging me I probably would have done the exact same thing. It’s hard to be mean to someone when they are stroking your ego. My wife is pretty stunningly beautiful but she’s also vain and incredibly insecure at the same time. Ironically I told her that at the height of whole ordeal and she conceded the fact.

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with is my inability to stop scrutinizing the details. I will be totally fine for days and then I’ll start thinking about some silly minute detail. If something doesn’t line up with the exact timeline I have in my head I do like I did last night and I’m reliving the whole ordeal and stay up all night dwelling on it.

Time is about all that will fix this plus her positive actions.

However, the trust will probably never come back fully.

That maybe a good thing

[This message edited by Marz at 3:44 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

You do own your part in a marriage and it takes two for a good one.

Anything affair related is 100% on the perpetrator.

This sounds like it had the beginnings of an EA and would have eventually gone PA had you not shut it down. I'm sorry but you do still need to keep an eye on her phone/email/apps etc.

It's a tricky situation with law enforcement. This guy is a scumbag and sounds like he'd use his position to make your life miserable if you told his g/f.

As far as the details, take a breath for yourself because to be honest, they don't matter. The fact that your wife hid messages from you, didn't block him and absolutely panicked when you scrolled the wrong way on her phone means she never intended for you to find out. This is right on the cusp of cheating . If my W pulled something like this right now ( given that she had a EA ) she would be getting papers before the ink had even dried.

Be careful.

I'm sorry you're here. I can see why.

It sounds like your wife, a human with flaws, liked the attention from "yard guy" which is about the same as "pool guy" or "gym guy". She might have even found him attractive. She's human. I find women, every day, attractive and have NEVER been involved with anyone other than my W.

She was starting to get weak in the knees, here and there, from the attention. That's now over and I really think you don't have anything to really worry about when it comes to the big things.

The really positive part of all this is that she's come to you about this, at least the first time. And yes, she was starting to slip away, from the temptation, but she really didn't take the bait.

Try to forgive her and also make sure she knows, completely, how hurtful and painful this was. And yes, the deleted messages are things she didn't want you to see and are things she probably wishes she had never texted. She's over it.

Do the best you can to forgive her. I really do think she's probably a good woman and was trolled by a really creepy bastard. Fortunately you fired that piece of garbage.

Oh, BTW, tell HIS wife that he was trolling your wife. Tell her nothing came of it, but it was way out of place and not appropriate for him to help "make your wife smile". His W won't be smiling, believe it.

The POS comes to your home to take a police report and then follows up with sexual messages.

If you have concrete proof of his messages you can and should report him to the sheriff? Why? because he's abusing his authority. Your wife is probably not his first (nor last victim).

Would your wife be willing to file a compliant?

Whether you have proof or not, your wife filing a complaint would help his next victim. Maybe there's already been complaints filed. This sounds like sexual harassment(which btw she couldn't say no to - because of his badge).

In sexual harassment cases, there's a presumption that the victim plays along (can't give their consent) because they are intimated by the person in power (a boss or cop).

I really want to put it all behind us and just move forward but the not knowing is what kills me.

Have your wife write down a timeline of the 'topics' of the deleted messages, including all specific details she remembers. All subject to a polygraph test.

Then, to add more detail, follow up with your own specific questions about the messages. Whatever you need. Start with yes or no questions and proceed as appropriate. For example, did you: talk about our sex life or me, exchange pics, say you'd enjoy having sex with him or kissing him, agree to meet for sex.

And when was their last contact?

Did they meet in private, kiss, etc?

The prospect of a polygraph test is important because there's so many instances where the cheater bluffs by offering to take the test (hoping you're back off).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:39 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Get all of her logins to social media, email, iCloud etc. and go through them meticulously.

Recover the deleted messages from her phone with Fonelab. You can also look through her phone backups and iCloud backups. Do not tell her any of this is possible.

Put a VAR in her car and once it is ready tell her you plan on her taking a polygraph.

If you really want to create a complete net, sign up for a service that monitors her text messages and other communications on her phone.

There are versions of the everything for both iPhone and Android.

However, there is more to know if you don't want to tip her off. Just ask if you are considering investigating as I have detailed above.

If you do all of these things, if there is something else to know, something will shake loose.

Either you'll find more evidence and traces of foul play, or she'll panic and reach out to her partners in crime.

Hopefully you'll find nothing except that your wife was weak and had awful boundaries.

Seriously consider telling the douchebag's wife.

Please contact OM wife. Let her know what her husband is doing chasing your wife. .... Also ask her if her husband had any days off while your wife was in NYC.

I have a sneaking suspicion something happened.

You should be recording any further communication with the other man, in case he changes his attitude and becomes threatening, it's serious when the other man is law enforcement.

Shitty club this one

Get her to take the polygraph and stand by for a car park confession.

What can happen? She is proved that she is telling the truth she or you get the truth. Either way you know the full extent of her ways.

Just out of curiosity could the POS got to go to NY?

[This message edited by Buffer at 8:04 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Tell the bastard's girlfriend.

As for you and your wife, the two of you should work on your marriage - date nights, for the next few months hold a meeting once a month to air grievances and talk about how everything is going (hopefully for the better as time goes on!) Gotta work thru being happy together while raising your young one.

If her cheating in the future would be a marriage-ender for you, make sure that's crystal clear to her. Keep your eyes open, don't be oblivious. At the same time, being a parole officer watching over your wife is no way to live. Try to find it in yourself to forgive her and trust her again.

You fucked up letting meathead disrupt your marriage, you'll know better next time. Give yourself a break and move on.

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with is my inability to stop scrutinizing the details

That is because you do not have the full set of details, so your mind is still asking 'What else is there?'

Hi Steve,

Keep your eyes open, don't be oblivious. At the same time, being a parole officer watching over your wife is no way to live.

That is no way to live.

It sounds like she had poor boundaries during a time when she felt like her needs weren't being met by you. It's not an excuse, but maybe she took your lack of sexual appetite as you checking out on the marriage.

I don't know. With my recently deceased WH I never noticed when other men looked at me - or even when they flirted. It was just kind of turned off for me. I just didn't notice. He would and he'd say something, but I didn't see it. When I'm committed, that's it.

Sounds like you both hit a rough patch.

You should inform his girlfriend/wife. If he did this with your wife, chances are he's doing it a lot with other women while he's supposed to be committed to her. You can't go causing chaos in a marriage and not expect consequences.

- Cats

Fire him, also report him if possible, further tell his girlfriend and get the word out. Chances are this isn't his first rodeo and it's something he does with quite a few women. If that is true, he'll be so neck-deep in trouble once other spouses, some spouses where affairs possibly happened get involved, he'll have no time to worry about you or your wife.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife failed. Now she has an obligation to do whatever you need to rebuild trust (including a polygraph test).

Your wife’s text to her friend as well as the deleted texts to the OM is evidence that she was an active participant in an EA and enjoyed the attention. However, from your post, in the back of her mind she knew she was on a slippery slope.

You both should read: “ Not Just Friends” by Dr Shirley Glass. It based on research of couples that experienced infidelity and the boundaries crossed and behaviors that led to a PA.

Since your wife saw the potential threat to her marriage but continued to text with the OM anyway, you’ll both be interested that the author found that most cheaters didn’t start out with the intent to have a PA (they enjoyed the attention and thought they could control temptation).

"I'm damn sure taking her up on the postnuptial offer, ..."

This. Don't go back on this Steve. Do it now while she's amiable; don't wait on it.

Based on what you posted, I think it’s probably an EA that you caught early. However, studies show sexting is addictive and releases the same chemical in the brain as drugs.

Therefore, in the future both you and your wife need to be aware that sexting is like a drug to her (especially when she thinks nobody will know). She needs to ramp up her situational awareness in order to protect your marriage.

Unfortunately, since she selectively deleted texts you can only guess what she is covering up.

However, the fact that she selectively deleted the I-messages as well as FB messages is a sign of guilt; and strongly suggests there’s something in the text exchange that you would not approve of (and she is not proud of).

Moreover, the fact that she didn’t delete the FB message exchange UNTIL AFTER you first challenged her at the hotel suggests that while the texting may have been temporarily suspended – the EA was not over in her head.

Also, in the context of an affair and related coverup, when the OP and the spouse provide you with the exact explanation it sounds like they talked and got their story straight.

IMO, if that’s the case, then she now owes him a big favor and he will be back to collect - and it will be more difficult for her to shut him down.

Therefore, if true, to avoid him having a hold on her, the smart move is for her to confess to you that they talked and he agreed to take the blame.

Furthermore, he reached out twice to your wife and she says she shut it down immediately each time. However, since he tried a second time, it suggests that she responded just enough by text (or during the police report) to encourage him to try a second time.

If any of the above is true, it’s to both your advantage mentally (for her to fix herself and for you to know 'what' you are dealing with) to bring it all out in the open and identify it for the disgusting betrayal it was.

My wife was definitely enjoying the flattery and knew it was wrong and said such to her friend.

Wow, EA leading to PA? Did I miss something, how did your W respond to the POS when he hit on her, what were her text to him?

JMO, other than a lie by omission, your W did everything right. I understand your feelings but I don’t see infidelity. We are allowed to find others attractive, that’s human nature, your W didn’t act on, from what you posted. If your W didn’t get wrapped up in a conversation through text, instead told her BFF about the sleezeball, although she should have told you, you faired pretty fucking good.

I’d give her a B+ on the infidelity test, mine (and most of our spouses) scored a F.