SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with DeWittle. I’m not seeing the infidelity here beyond two massively inappropriate comments that your wife didn’t originate nor respond to. She was wrong to hide it but probably secretly thrilled that a stranger found her attractive. That’s not to say you don’t fire the yard guy and mention this to his wife and the sheriff, but be ready for some small town blowback. This situation is entirely fixable and you should count yourself lucky. A lot of us would have loved to be in this situation, myself among them.

This sounds like it had the beginnings of an EA and would have eventually gone PA had you not shut it down. I'm sorry but you do still need to keep an eye on her phone/email/apps etc.

At the very least she has wayward thinking tendencies and poor boundaries. I don’t believe it had the beginnings of an EA from what you’ve said but your wife willingly stepped into dangerous territory. She was turned on and if he’d kept pushing and prying, she might have opened up an EA to him. The fact that she also panicked over her phone is not a yellow flag, it’s a blaring crimson red flag.

You’re crushed by her admission of being turned on and weak in the knees. I get it. That’s a big admission. Unfortunately you’re getting a crash course in female psychology. Women like sex as much as men and they will seek out sex and arrange for it if they want it. As you just realized, women get approached all the time. They have men orbiting them all the time.

It may be that you’ve pedestalized your wife without realizing it -- not healthy for her or you. She just knocked that pedestal over. Don’t set it up right again. It may be that you’ve been given a gift for a successful marriage going forward in which you harden up a bit and she no longer stands on a pedestal.

You need to report him to the sheriff’s office and tell his wife immediately. Predators like this hide in the shadows and count on silence. He will crumble and fall apart if you shine the light on him. Plus a documented report to the sheriff will protect you.

You should definitely fight thru the fear, insist on the poly and run retrieval software on her phone. I don’t believe that’s an overreaction in this case. You should also VAR her and see what turns up. And since no infidelity has yet occurred, couples counseling may be warranted for you. it may be that a combination of those things will scare her straight and help her understand how to avoid wayward thinking in the future.

Also hit the iron temple hard. Lift heavy for mass and size. Look up Stoppani’s size program and start doing that. Your self esteem just took a huge hit and this will help very quickly. It will also reduce stress in a way few other exercise protocols will. And it will feed your wife’s female psychology. As you improve your physique you’ll get appreciative glances from other women all the time. I do know what I’m talking about. It will not be a bad thing for your wife to know you have hard boundaries and that other women find you attractive.

If you’ve been avoiding the captain role in your household, take it now. You are responsible for initiating a great sex life. Stop being passive about it from now on. In other words, make her weak in the knees.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:49 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

I’m not seeing the infidelity here beyond two massively inappropriate comments that your wife didn’t originate nor respond to.

She talked to a girlfriend about how turned on she was by it. I agree not infidelity yet but she was on the verge of opening one of those windows Shirley Glass talks about. It’s definitely indicative of some poor boundaries and the OP is right to be flummoxed and upset about it.

Do the best you can to forgive her. I really do think she's probably a good woman and was trolled by a really creepy bastard. Fortunately you fired that piece of garbage.

You need to go with your gut and it sounds like your gut is screaming at you. Don’t ignore it.

I’m sure your wife is a good person. One thing I’ve had to come to grips with the past three years is that good people commit adultery. It sucks but it’s true. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

It really sounds like you caught this way early, like maybe just as a tiny seed of infidelity was germinating.

That said, find out what you’re forgiving first. Get the prenup. Get a written account, and poly her. You may get a parking lot confession of more. Retrieve data from her phone. At the same time VAR her.

When I VAR’d I was terrified about doing it and I was absolutely convinced I was overreacting and I would feel like a stupid creep for doing it. Yeah, well, that was three years ago, and I don’t feel like a stupid creep now.

Do the VAR and do the phone retrieval with Fonelab.

I am with deW and KingofNothing here. Besides the omission, she hasn't really done anything that constitutes betrayal and I think that is even a stretch. I can understand how hearing that she was flattered by the attention may have hurt your feelings, but from what you have indicated -- she didn't act on them. I think demanding passwords, bugging her by placing a VAR, and polygraphing her is an overreaction and may do more harm to your relationship as she begins to resent your treatment of her.

Yeah, the biggest issue here is your peace of mind. It appears your W is willing to do what you need to allay these fears.I agree with Dewittle, Kingof nothing, and BigMammaJamma, that I am not seeing the betrayal or infidelity here. She should have told you of the inappropriate comments immediately. She may have been flattered but she rejected his advances. Be vigilant. Give yourself time. I agree with BigMammaJamma that this does not appear to be an 8nstance that requires an overreaction on you4 part. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Good luck to you and your W.

I can understand how hearing that she was flattered by the attention may have hurt your feelings

She didn't say only that. She told a BFF that she was "weak in the knees" from the attention.

She deleted and hid texts and reacted with horror when she thought her husband might inadvertently see something on her phone. These are red flags. It does seem that more conversations took place, or at least it's quite plausible that more was said in the texts than she has let on - things she wouldn't want her husband to read that she's ashamed about now.

I agree that it is likely no actual infidelity took place, but there are lots of signs pointing to poor boundaries. At the very least, she was tiptoeing up to one of those windows Shirley Glass talks about. The husband very likely nipped something in the bud that could have gone farther.

I don't like playing into people's paranoia, but this doesn't feel paranoid to me. The guy was actively hitting on his wife and she confessed it turned her on, not just that she was flattered.

The OP should listen to his gut. At the very least VAR her and run retrieval software on her phone.

And tell the POSOM's girfriend and report him to his superiors at the sheriff's department. He took a police report and was actively hitting on the guy's wife in the line of duty. It's definitely not the first time.

My wife responds saying she wished she didn't think he was cute but he just has this way about him that makes her weak in the knees.

This was at least the second instance of the two of them communicating.

Again, I agree that the chance of actual infidelity is low here.

But the sheriff's deputy/lawn boy was actively pursuing his wife. The context of the convo between his WW and her BFF at least indicates that while she had established a kind of soft boundary ("thought he was cute but she wasn't going to let him wreck our marriage" is not exactly saying she won't do anything inappropriate now is it?), she was also in all likelihood kinda/sorta tacitly encouraging the sheriff's deputy a bit to get some kibbles, which she probably thought of as harmless fun at the time.

Fact is, she wasn't just flattered. She was attracted to him and turned on sexually by the attention and explicitly stated so. I'd be sick about this if I read my WW saying the same thing.

So no, I don't think retrieval software on her phone, a VAR, or even a poly is an overreaction.

People come here for advice. I agree we should not encourage overreaction, but I'd be awfully careful about falling into the very trap of minimization we so often critique waywards for.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:45 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Through the usual ups and downs of marriages, some recent discontentment and disconnection in the marriage. Check.

Months of a sex drought or any real date nights. Check.

Life is busy -- as it is in most good marriages with kids. Check.

And then:

-A male friend gives her attention via texts and social media. Not once, but at least twice over a period of some time.

-Not just attention, but he openly propositions her for sexual activity.

-She's flattered by it but pushes away - yet only a bit.

-She is physically aroused by the texts and finds the male friend attractive. He makes her feel "weak in the knees"

-She's not gonna blow up her marriage over it, but she isn't exactly shutting him down 100 percent either.

-She feels it's harmless, but says something in a text she is worried her husband will see -- which by definition means it is inappropriate and boundary-crossing.

Again, I'm not saying the OP should be freaking out and calling the infidelity cops. But he needs to be wary. His gut is screaming at him, or he wouldn't have shown up here on SI seeking advice.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:59 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Ultimately what we may have here is an example of the new buzzphrase "microcheating."

She knew the things she'd said and done were inappropriate and boundary-crossing. She knew her husband would (rightfully) be upset about it.

And she's the one who had the idea to bring him back over for the police report.

Just bear that in mind.

I hear you Thumos. You are speaking from your perspective and I wanted to offer mine.

I am actually in my second marriage. I married my first husband when I was 22 and neither of us were mature enough for marriage. He had FOO issues, grew up parenting his single mother who was bipolar and unmedicated and it impacted his view of women. He was deeply insecure. He had this tendency to read into unrelated events, linking them and coming to the conclusion that I was up to something nefarious. He was ALWAYS accusing me of cheating. He was always asking me about numbers on the telephone bill and going through my facebook messages (nothing inappropriate ever) and messaging males back, threatening them. I started walking on eggshells, thinking through every single action, wondering if anything I did could be misconstrued as evidence for being unfaithful. One day I had enough and I left. He would have definitely overreacted in this same situation and I would not have shared this experience with him if it had happened to me as he would have flipped his shit.

Thumos, you and I might disagree on this, but I don't think finding someone attractive and telling your buddy about it is cheating and I think these type of things can and do happen in healthy marriages. Perhaps she didn't tell OP because he would, I don't know, overreact and bug her phones and demand her passwords to everything? I don't think we should tell everyone who shows up here to get a VAR and hire a PI if the information they provide us simply does not support that level of reaction. I have always been a faithful wife. Men have hit on me and while I might be flattered and mention to a friend, I have never crossed a boundary. I would tell my husband now, but my first husband would have definitely overreacted so when I read the original post, I identified with the wife.

I just wanted to warn our friend that if she isn't doing anything wrong, an overreaction could be a dealbreaker in and of itself and he could lose the relationship he has and wants. I know it is different advice than you would provide dear Thumos, but this is my read: the wife was hit on and felt like she still had it after perhaps not feeling as desired as she would like to have felt. She shared the feeling with her friend, but did not act on it. OP has nothing actionable on his wife. If anything other "red flags" come up, for sure acknowledge them and trust your instinct. And maybe tell the sheriff deputy's wife he is a sleaze ball.

I don't think we should tell everyone who shows up here to get a VAR and hire a PI if the information they provide us simply does not support that level of reaction.

All fair points, BigMammaJamma. And I will admit I'm "hyperalert" about this kind of thing and even three years out I don't think I fully grasp how deeply traumatized I am.

That said, this doesn't seem entirely harmless to me. I'm rarely disappointed in my low expectations for spouses once a suspicious spouse shows up on this board. I think there's a pretty good chance this went into some kind of grey zone, where she wasn't encouraging it but not exactly 100 percent discouraging it either. This wolf in sheep's clothing saw an opening somewhere, or he wouldn't have kept trying.

EDIT: P.S. My WW strove mightily to gaslight me into believing I was the crazy paranoid jealous husband you described being married to in your first marriage. Of course, I'd never been suspicious before, so this gaslighting didn't stick. But for a few weeks she had me convinced I needed to be medicated for it, and I was stricken with guilt that I ever could have falsely accused her.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:00 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Steve99 ... how are you doing?

You've received a lot of advice but ultimately we don't know all the facts about this situation or your wife's history. But you do.

Do whatever you need to restore trust and feel safe in your marriage.

Since your wife already volunteered a post nup and polygraph there should be no resentment on her part if you take her up on her offer.

Thumos, I agree, OP’s W (I refuse to put that second W) was trolled by a predator. She liked the attention and he came close to scoring but her response was to fire him if he didn’t stop. She felt weak in the knees but was willing to fire him. This is where the vulnerable fail and an A develops, Steve’s W had the boundaries to resist.

I’d give her a pass on not coming out to OP, also. They’ve been together since they were kids and I bet this never happened to her. She probably thought she did something to provoke POS.

Nothing negative to Steve’s W, but he probably does this type thing all the time, fishing. Who’s to say had he kept trying he may have found a kink in her armor. What you can say is he didn’t. It may have been close to developing an EA leading to a PA but it didn’t.

Me personally, I WISH this was my story. I think he needs to flip his perspective in this case. She responded to a friend, in a negative way, and the friend, came through as a friend of the family, albeit, it took a few days. JMO

Nothing negative to Steve’s W, but he probably does this type thing all the time, fishing. Who’s to say had he kept trying he may have found a kink in her armor. What you can say is he didn’t. It may have been close to developing an EA leading to a PA but it didn’t.

Me personally, I WISH this was my story. I think he needs to flip his perspective in this case. She responded to a friend, in a negative way, and the friend, came through as a friend of the family, albeit, it took a few days. JMO

All true. You’re right we shouldn’t be putting WW out there. If anything this feels like a close brush with death that this couple eluded. Wish we’d all had this chance. He and she have a chance to get this right now. Since she’s voluntarily offering poly and other stuff I think he should go thru that.

Steve99 ... how are you doing?

You're not the first to ride the roller coaster of emotions.

You are not alone.

Probably nothing, but I think there’s enough cause to at least retrieve the deleted messages. Her knee jerk reaction to your looking at her phone, not telling you about the text from him after taking the report and deleting any other messages would be enough for me to go forward with running Fonelab on her phone. It may very well put your mind at ease.

I think this was caught early, but she liked it and her boundaries need some adjustments. I’d want to know.