SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So XWH and AP are in shock trauma after a car accident. XWH has multiple fractured ribs and AP has multiple fractures and had to undergo surgery (but manages to still post updates on FB). Since AP is a transplant patient and at a high risk for infection I imagine that her condition is pretty tricky. Also, I am pretty sure XWH is uninsured now that we are divorced (he was on my employer sponsored insurance).

Really not sure how to handle this news. DD has no interest in visiting XWH because she doesn't want to see AP. Also a few ex-laws are now peddling the line that AP has no family and thus deserves sympathy and support, including ex-MIL.

So, yes, this is weird karma. On the one hand, it is fortunate they were not killed and I am glad they survived. On other hand, I am already seeing a few sympathetic posts from people in our social circle about XWH and AP. No doubt she has some serious health challenges ahead but I hate that she's getting lionized. Background: Three years ago AP was an aquaintance I invited to Thanksgiving on a charitable impulse. We became instant friends and DD adored her and considered her mentor. The whole time AP was sleeping with XWH. I refused to believe it even though everyone else seemed to know about it. Any thoughts about how to handle things on my end when people ask me about the situation? Should I be pushing DD a little harder to see her dad in the hospital (it's an hour away).

I must be so cold, because when I was reading that I was wishing worse had happened.

How old is your DD. If she is old enough and competent then she can make her own decision and you support whichever one she makes. Don’t try and persuade her otherwise. She’s had the facts and can make an informed choice. She will respect you just as much for that.

Stay off social media if you can, to prevent you seeing further people wishing them both well. I am not on any social media and never have been but my friends have told me bits of information in the past and I have asked them not to. It’s nice to be oblivious to some of it.

Let’s hope the Karma doesn’t dry up.

NB x

Fablegirl:

I would not push your dd into visiting. Your dd justifiably has negative feelings and anger toward AP and also toward your ExWH. I think pushing her would just result in more resentment and anxiety for her. It sounds like his injuries are not life threatening. He abandoned your family for the OW and you are D. I understand you still live in the family farm owned by his family, and tha5 recently exWH has been pushing off responsibility for his newly widowed Mother onto your DD. He has greatly abused your good nature. Stay off of social media. And d9n’t c9ncrrn yourself with what others say. He abandoned you and his current situation is all of his own making. Good luck.

AP has no family and thus deserves sympathy and support

I think that we all deserve sympathy and support. It doesn't have to come from you, though. Let the former ex-in-laws do it.

Any thoughts about how to handle things on my end when people ask me about the situation?

Take the high road. Give them the truth, perhaps a sanitized version of it.

Should I be pushing DD a little harder to see her dad in the hospital (it's an hour away).

Very gently, but yes. You should encourage her to have a strong relationship with her father. You should not force it and you should teach her to have appropriate boundaries too.

If she doesn't want to see AP, try to work around that. Maybe a Skype conversation or something as an alternative?

I never push my kids to see their Dad bc he and OW play head games, fight, don’t support my kids’ ambitions. The AP was also a “friend” who was sleeping w xwh, the kids want nothing to do w her.

If Dad were “normal”, yep I’d push for visits, but bc he and OW are totally screwed up people, the kids visit on their terms, drive separately to see their Dad so that each can leave when feeling it’s time to get away.

i wouldn't feel bad for those two honestly, they didn't give to shit about the family they are selfish people. and I wouldn't push my DD to see the xwh if she doesn't feel comfortable seeing the pos then by all means don't let her see him just my opinion

You don't say how old your daughter is but if she is a pre-teen or older, I'd let her make that decision. Especially seeing as how your XWH left you holding the whole family together to include his Mum so he could have fun with his AP.

Honestly, I love *karma* wish it had been even better.

Next time someone mentions "she has no one" tell them straight up that if she had not screwed your XWH then she would have an awesome BFF but since she did, then she can rely on XWH!

Added:

His relationship with his kids is on him.

HE should be the one that makes the effort to see his kids.

And please don't allow the Xlaws pressure/guilt your kids into seeing him. Plus, wouldn't you be the one who has to drive her to and from? Unless she is old enough to drive herself - and if that is the case, she is old enough to make her own decision about who she chooses to be around.

You can suggest she call him - that would be cool.

I would not push her to have a relationship with her father. It's on him to repair what he broke not you.

My parents divorced because of my father's cheating. My mother never said anything negative about him. Never bad mouthed him, but she did the right thing by not interfering in my relationship with him.

It was on him to fix what he broke not her. She taught me one of the best lessons I have learned in life and that is I do not have to have a relationship with an abuser even if he is family. (MY words not hers)

What he did to my family was abuse, he jeopardized my mother's health. He abandoned us. His women and booze were more important to him than his family.

We did have a relationship later in life, after he took responsibility for his actions, owned up to what he did, and tried to make amends as best he could.

My mother was fine with that too, she did not discourage it.

Support your daughter in whatever her choice is.

I am with Barcher on this with a caveat. While I don't think you need to encourage your child to visit your XWS, you should not discourage it either. As an aside, life has a way of making us regret things we did in anger. I would hate to see your child wish later on that she had visited her father if something catastrophic were to happen to him. Sometimes all of us need that reminder before we write someone off and/or avoid them in times of difficulty.

Also, I find it hard to swallow that people would wish physical harm to anyone, regardless of what they did to you. I guess it's not my nature to wish for that, and yes, after a terrible accident it is appropriate for people to be sympathetic - I would be on a reserved level myself. I do not like the AP in my world but bodily harm is not something I am interested in pursuing or wishing on her. Taking the high road, letting others be sympathetic, and sitting back and letting your child decide how to proceed is probably best.

Thanks all for your comments and insights. Just an update - XWH and AP are still in the hospital. DD and I did visit XWH finally. It was difficult for DD (she is 17) as she is still angry but has compassion for her dad. He has a long road ahead. AP meanwhile has her own Go Fund Me page to raise money for her care and X in laws are rallying around her and think DD and I are being cold-hearted and petty, as her injuries are pretty serious. I admittedly had an ugly rage meltdown over it.. but UGH! This woman seduced XWH and manipulated my daughter while pretending to be our friend. She has spent two years in therapy trying to get over it.

You don't say who is pressuring your daughter and you to help so I'm assuming it is not your EXH. If it is your EXH, tell him to Fuck off, you already take care of his Mother with his DD and it is not your DD's responsibility to take care of any of them. If it is someone else in the family, tell your EXH that you are putting your foot down in regards to the pressures they are putting on your DD and you are just being nice letting him know in case he wants to address the issue BEFORE you do. Then...

Tell your exlaws to mind their own manners and leave you and your DD alone in regards to the AP. Inform them if they keep pressuring the DD to 'help' the AP out that you will personally see to it that she does not see any of them until such time as you determine it is ok or she is an adult and can make her own decisions.

Your EXH fired you from being his wife so when he needs assistance, that is now his APs job. He decided his family is unimportant, so anything that he deems important is not your or your DD's concern. This is a great time for him to learn exactly what his actions and lack of action toward his family have done in regards to his support. (IE you and DD)

Your DD does not need to cater to this woman, help this woman or even speak to this woman if she doesn't want to. She is her Father's AP, nothing more. If the exlaws want to help her, great let them but it is not your place, or your DD's to make sure AP is ok. That is the APs family or your EXH. Since he is laid up in bed, tell him to pay for someone to help her out!

Is this mean? Yeah but who cares? You and DD did not sign up to take care of his AP. HE DID. So let him lay in the bed he made.

I would go NC with XILs. Block them.

I think I’ve shown my kids how to have boundaries, and not feel guilty over it.

Block the XIL, and maybe see if your DD will go to a few IC sessions to support her in standing out of the way of the drama.

(( (Fablegirl and DD)))