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I will try to be brief.

I am 46, my gf is a 37 single mom (2 kids)…few months ago she went to a club with some girls, i found out that she ended up flirting and dancing with some young guy of 21. Before i find out she told me that some guy came to her, talked to her while she was dancing, but she refused him and sent him away. I found out that she danced with him, i confronted her with this, and said “yeah, i forgot, we danced a little bit, few seconds, but that’s it”, and she swore that it was it. After a while i saw some videos made at that club, and i saw that she danced in an intimate way with him, several times, and spoke and laughed several times (flirting), and at some point she danced with him on the table, also in an intimate way (when i say intimate, i didn’t see any kissing, but intimate positions, grinding…etc).

I confronted her again with this and she said that simply she forgot about that dancing on the table, because she drank too much that night, and the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.

The idea is, whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don’t understand why she still insists on lying.

I am not sure if what i wrote makes any sense to you. But i appreciate your advice.

Thanks in advance

"The idea is, whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don’t understand why she still insists on lying."

So are her actions bugging you or the deceit ? if she had told you everything that happened, would you be ok with it ? If not, then your focus should be on her actions and not her denails.

I think your focus is misplaced. Yes she lied but she also acted in a way that is not relationship worthy. And you are going to end up being serious with her and taking responsibility of her own kids ?

I think you need to figure out why you are so committed to this and do an analysis of what are the benefits vs the detriments in staying

What you wrote makes sense. Her actions and explanations do not.

She starts out denying everything and as you get more proof she cannot deny she tries to say she forgot.

So she forgot she danced on a table because she was drunk but did not forget the reason she did it (mad at you).

She is not trustworthy. A liar. Stay with her at your own peril.

Hi Joe

Sounds like you have picked a real winner in this GF. She lies about dancing!? A little alcohol and it becomes dirty dancing with a just legal kid!

Ya I have been there and done that with a serial cheating wife. (she loved them half her age) One of my EXWW ONS was the same story she pushed away a guy that came on to her. Found out two months later she fucked him in the bathroom and he was an employee of mine.

How long have you two been together? Do you want to have this relationship with a liar? Do you live with her? Tell us more about your relationship.

Without understanding more, the simple answer is stop being the doormat babysitter and she has failed the GF test.

She sounds like a "bad bad girlfriend" Theory of a Deadman

Nah sorry sounds like bull to me. She is cheating and is using this as an enabler ‘Drunk and Forgot’. So lie.

Time for her to tell the truth she wants out.

Buffer

She is not a safe partner. Find someone who does not behave one way when she is next to you and behaves another way completely different when you are not around.

Go find a partner who will act like you are always next to her even when you are not!

Not married? No kids together? No financial entanglements?

Run. Don't look back.

Look, I got that "we will talk about anything" line of crap, too. Turns out she'd cheated on every husband, fiance, and boyfriend she'd ever had. Then it was my turn as her bf/fiance.

Run.

Not relationship material.

You/she make a lot of excuses. There aren't any.

If you stay you'll get it again.

I confronted her again with this and she said that simply she forgot about that dancing on the table, because she drank too much that night, and the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.

So she forgot that she danced on the table with him...because she was so drunk....but remembers that she danced with him because YOU got in a fight with her earlier in the day?

Joe08, are you supporting her and her kids?

What is a 37 year old mother of 2 doing dancing intimately and drinking with a 21 year old? Are you babysitting her kids?

She has no boundaries and she is a liar. There are much better women out there.

You're ok with her cheating as long as she tells you about it?

Does the OM have her phone number?

The issue is more than did she flirt or have sex (e.g., out in the parking lot) during this GNO.

This GNO gave you a peek at 'who' she is when she thinks you're not looking.

When someone reveals 'who' they are to you - believe them. The best predictor of future behavior is her past behavior.

Several grinding dances, including dancing on the table - and she forgot?

Her behavior was pretty 'out there' and sounds like she's an experienced 'hard' party gal.

Shut down the I was drinking excuse. Do not accept alcohol as an excuse (now or in the future). She still knew her behavior was inappropriate.

Every partner deserves to feel safe from infidelity. She fails. She not only lies - but she has poor boundaries with other men that exposes you to an unacceptable risk of infidelity.

... the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.

She's not only a liar but she's very immature with very poor coping skills.

There were many options for her to process your fight (e.g, go for a walk or to the gym). Instead, she chose drinking and the attention from an other man.

She's a very high risk partner.

This is precisely why you date to determine compatibility. Since she is single, she is free to do as she pleases. Naturally, her behavior on this night is not conducive to building a relationship and is a little bit self destructive. You can not control her values or behavior, you can only control you and your actions.

You have to decide if you want to slow down, back off or severe the relationship. This all sucks, but that is where you are now. It is possible to fix this, but it has to start with her being contrite and wanting to do the things necessary to fix the problem. The person you describe does not seem to be willing to do that at this time. Personally, I would back off and just see where this goes.

Personally I would just dump her and RUN for the hills, life's too short and only gets more complicated, she's already shown you who she really is, cut her loose now.

37, yet acts like a 20-year-old party girl. A proven liar who on top of that thinks you're stupid since her "I forgot" doesn't hold up to scrutiny at all. Chances are good she's a cheater too. Also a single mother of two, different fathers? Just curious.

Dude, run.

@Joe08, Let's get a couple of things out of the way:

Your girlfriend is lying to you. She wants you to believe she forgot 2 versions of her inappropriate behavior - first she forgot that she danced with him, then she forgot that she went all "dirty dancing" with him.

But while forgetting all that, she remembered to tell you he approached her, but she sent him packing like she shoulda, but now that you jogged her memory, the only reason she dirty danced with him was because she was pissed at you!

Huh? She danced in a sexual manner with some kid because she was pissed at you?

***

Here is the deal. She did what she did at the club because she wanted to. She got liquored up and did what felt good to her in the moment.

Then she started lying to you before you even knew anything probably because she was trying to do damage control and throw you off the scent because she made an ass of herself publicly in front of people who might blow her up later in front of you!

***

Take no offense here, but she apparently has the mentality of a 20-year old.

Having said that, I think if this was a one-off, it can probably fall into the "mistake" category.

She went out, got drunk and got stupid. The question is, how far did it go?

And here is the rub: you need to get the truth out of her so you can decide if you want to invest any more of your precious time in a single mom who evidently doesn't know how to comport herself when her boyfriend is not around.

Did it go farther? Are there any other incidents?

IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH A RISKY PARTNER SUCH AS HER, With the knowledge and point of views shared with you now, you can confront her and cut through the bullshit.

When you confront, you have to "put the screws to her". Do not accept any bullshit!!

And if you really really really want to know what she has been up to, I would do some investigating prior to confrontation, and set up a "surveillance net" for after your confrontation which will catch her reactions afterwards when she is out of your sight, because that's when shit gets real.

But only do that if you still want to stay with her, and that to me is 50/50 at best right now.

If you want to go the investigation and surveillance route, come back and I/we can help you out.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:31 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

So - she lies and only when caught admits up to only what she’s been can be proven. Nothing more. Until there is more proof. And then oh yeah - and let the excuses flow.

The writing is on the wall. And it says “I don’t just read from the Cheaters Handbook - I practice it word for word”

Run, do not walk, do not look back. Be thankful you dodged a bullet with that one.

I feel sorry for her kids.

@faithfulman This was the first time something like this happens (as far as i know), therefore it might fall in the "mistake" category. Nevertheless, I am interested in the surveillance net you mentioned.

She lied twice, and admitted to only what you could prove. How do you know there isn’t more to the story?

And, at 46, why would you want a GF that acts like a 16 year old? Do you really want to raise 3 children?

What she did was no mistake, it was choices she made, choices justified because [excuses]

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:15 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]