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My husband has been seeing prostitutes the entire time we have been married (more than 30 years). I found out and he basically won’t talk to me about it. This is something that has upended my life and I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe him when he says he won’t do it again and I can’t stop thinking about what he has done and I can’t believe this is my life. My life with him has been one big lie. Has anyone else out there had this experience and if so what advice can you give me.

Hi Francine,

Yes, me too unfortunately. There are many other women on this site who've had similar experiences.

My marriage was a lot shorter but from day one (and likely before we married) he was paying for sex in every conceivable way from online to in person. The discovery was the most traumatic event of my life. His reaction afterwards was not unlike your husband's. He didn't want to talk about it, lashed out and blamed me.

Counseling is essential. You might also consider seeing a psychiatrist if you're needing help with anxiety, depression or sleep. The folks on this site are my main lifeline though. They have seen me through some dark days. There's a lot of wisdom and compassion here.

Read the advice on here for what to do. I was able to finagle a post-nup after discovery (dday) to secure my finances. Also gather any records - phone, credit cards etc. Even in a no-fault state what he spent on hookers will have to be repaid as it was a community asset - should you decide to divorce. It's best to be prepared because many of these men are vicious in the divorce process.

So sorry you've been inducted into the club.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 3:18 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]

Francine, I am so sorry your world has turned upside down.

You might want to look in the “I Can Relate” forum and look at the thread for spouses of sex addicts and the thread called emotionless infidelity. You’ll find you’re not alone.

I’m still trying to figure out what my husband is up to. May I ask how you discovered what was going on in your case?

You can find my story on either the second or third page here. It’s called Found Viagra. I’ve been married 36 years.

Although I’m biding my time while I gather more information, the one thing that has made me feel like I’m not powerless is that I talked to 3 lawyers, and I’ve retained one of them. So, once I know what I’m dealing with, I’ll be prepared from that standpoint, at least. Once the shock wears off a little bit, I would strongly suggest seeing what your options are.

To Ohsospecial- I found out because my husband was not where he said he was going to be. Anyway, I really don’t know exactly what was going on except that he paid for some type of sexual encounter. No matter what I say to him he refuses to talk to me about it and absolutely refuses to go to see a therapist. He did tell me it was my fault and that she has a beautiful body that he likes to gaze upon. So I feel old, useless and unattractive. My confidence is non existent. Looking back over the years I can now put all the pieces together realizing he’s been been doing this crap for years. I feel like I don’t know him and that he has a secret life of which I had no idea about. I’m so stunned and feel like such a fool.

Francine, my heart breaks that you are so down on yourself for something YOU DIDN'T DO. My IC (individual counselor) keeps telling me I’m not a fool; he’s just really good at hiding something....and so was your husband. You trusted him. That’s what spouses do.

So does he think you’ll just do nothing about this?!?

Please go get tested for STDs, including blood tests. When I told my doctor I thought my husband might be cheating, she insisted we do all the tests.

Geez, if he wants to gaze at beautiful bodies, he COULD go to an art museum.

Hugs to you. I hope the people who’ve been dealing with this for a while will come aboard with advice for you.

Francine: I am so sorry you have been put into this situation, but I’m glad you found us.

I was married for 28 years when I learned my Wayward Wife (despite being caught twice in the first 3 years of our marriage) had sex with at least 8 other men – one of which was my BIL (Brother-in-Law) – and flirted with at least 6 more. She had been cheating on my our whole M. I feel your pain, especially learning it went back to the day you said “I do.” Obviously, those 2 words meant something totally different to our WSes (Wayward Spouses). I know how deep and broad that pain goes. There is no other pain like it and nothing will help relieve it.

I don’t believe him when he says he won’t do it again

Good Girl! This has been a lifestyle for him, and for anyone to turn it off like a light switch is nearly impossible to do. Some have done it successfully, but if I were you (and I am), play the odds he is not one of those very few.

I can’t stop thinking about what he has done

I’m 2 ½ years out from D-day (Discovery Day) and I still think about it. It’s not as intense as it was, but I don’t think it ever goes away 100%. Instead, you learn to deal with it, and over time is gets less and less noticeable.

Listen to ohsospecial and get checked ASAP for STD’s and STI’s. Since he has been active for 30 years, I would guess there is a very high probability he’s picked up something. You just need to be sure he didn’t pass along this little “gift” to you. With that in mind, I suggest no sex with him until he gets checked and presents you a clean bill of health.

I have been told that in cases like ours, the odds in our M(arriage) surviving is only 10%. Every situation is different and that decision is up to you. You don’t have to make up your mind right now, and I strongly suggest you not. You need time for your head and heart to stop spinning and to regain some resemblance of normalcy. The only things I would rush to do are to get checked and see a lawyer. The lawyer visit isn’t to begin the D(ivorce) proceedings, but for you to get information on what life would look like should you decide to D, and you will learn how that process goes. This would be your first step in arming yourself with information, and knowledge is power.

You will get a lot of advice here from people who have walked this path before. What you have already received is a great start. There is a saying here at SI about advice: “Take what you need and leave the rest.” We all want you to lead a healthy, happy life, and we want to help you to avoid as much pain as possible. Post often and keep us updated. And remember that here, you are not alone.

Hi Francine,

We totally understand your pain.

The most important thing you need to remember is that you have done nothing to make him cheat in such a horrible way. Nothing at all, he is a broken person who looks for validation from other women.

The second thing to understand is that this is his way of life and he will not stop. Not unless he becomes remorseful ( he is not now as he refuses to talk about it) and not unless he goes to therapy to deal with the WHY he has to do this when he has a loving wife at home. However therapy can take years and people re-lapse.

So, having said that, now you need to look after yourself.

- make an appointment and do a full panel of STD testing. He has been playing Russian roulette with your health for 30 years...

-find a lawyer to understand your rights and what you will be entitled to if things do not work out. This will give you power and take away the fear of being financially dependent on him.

- next is a good counselor for you. You need to process the trauma you are in and by doing that to try and understand what you want in life.

With time you will come to a conclusion.

In the meantime, read up on the 180 procedure which will allow you to detach.

A few questions:

- how old are you both?

-any children

- are you financially dependent on him?

-have you got friends/family you can confide in as you will feel better

There are several books you can read to help you process the infidelity trauma.

Hang in there, we do know what it feels like to think your life has been a lie, but things do get better.

Me too! And we have daughters...and sex work is so exploitative...it’s a lot to take in. It’s like this monster has been sleeping next you and you never even knew.

If he won’t talk, he won’t change. Honestly he probably won’t change anyway. He is broken, and nothing you have done, or did, could ever fix that. This is on HIM. Not you.

Counseling, ASAP. STD screen asap. And a divorce lawyer ASAP, to see what the options are. Do the 180, stop asking him why because the man in front of you can’t tell you anyway, not like he is. Make plans to go forward with your life without him and his whoring around...if he gets it together great, but plan like he will not. Take care of YOU.

I’m so sorry. It really has messed with head, I’ve been there. To all appearances my Low Life Cheating Asshat is an honorable, great guy...but he isn’t, at all. He is a sick user of women and their bodies for his pleasure and with no regard for his wife of 22 years and his family (or job, that’s a fun one, he would lose it should it come out).

You know what I like to look at beautiful bodies too and my husband’s 73 year old ass isn’t anymore beautiful than mine. I didn’t go out and find someone 40 years younger To look at though. I can so relate to what you are saying.

My H refused to discuss or acknowledge his first EA. Completely stonewalled and gaslit me. It finally ended after 4 years. And then completely rugswept.

I found out from his last affair that he knew it occurred and admitted he knew it was wrong.

I wanted to just punch his lights out!!!!!!

I think you have only a few options. If he won’t speak or discuss it then you do the hard 180. Get yourself a counselor just for you. Not marriage counseling. Get your own support team going for you.

Demand a post nup that separates your assets from his (retirement, savings, inheritance) so that they are not considered marital assets in case you divorce.

If he won’t sign it - make his life miserable until he does. Tell him he either signs it or you separate.

Stop being his wife. No cooking or cleaning or errands or favors for him. You are your own person now. You owe him nothing. He owes you complete transparency, answers to any questions, him admitting his cheating has nothing to do with you and it was his own poor choices. And that is just a beginning.

Tell him he gets professional help or else. And then if he refuses kick him out or leave him.

But if you do nothing like I did the first time around, he will continue this behavior. And he will get away with it like he always did.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:49 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]