Thanks, all of you for taking the time to respond. As each of you know, and I know from experience, posting here is therapy. Needed to be among those who understand, and so grateful you were here.
This is technically my 5th time over the course of three relationships dealing with that realization that "there's someone else".
About 3-1/2 years ago, I accidentally discovered my WW was in a deep EA with someone she met on linkedin, and had travel plans to meet him at a work conference across the country.
There was a shit-ton of deflection and about a year of heavy recovery in couples and individual therapy.
About 4 Months ago, she left a horrible job.. and I encouraged her to take a break at home, heal up from it and wait for the right fit.
It's like she went on a linkedin binge.
In addition to searching for a job, she began a series of inappropriate 'friendships' as well.
I'd put the number at 10 to 12 - all of them escalating quickly to flirtatious bullshit quickly.
A couple progressing to meeting in real life - coffee or lunch or whatever.
Sounds like one or two to level of kissing and one to some kind of sex short of intercourse.
Started out as her telling me about people she was networking with, then who she was having lunch with, then the creep that tried to kiss her - or the one who would complain about his awful wife to her over coffee.
Then, a couple weeks ago, a crazy kind of conversation that somehow came around to her admitting some kind of sex with someone from linkedin that didn't involve intercourse.
That's my re-cap. That's what I know, and it surely isn't everything.
I didn't snoop it out - it just all came up in conversation.
I haven't asked a single question, because I am not getting back on that pointless ride.
Her infidelity is rotting our marriage. Every piece of it that I dig out and expose hurts me and makes it worse as she scrambles to spin it or hide it.
Only she knows the truth, and every piece that she digs out and exposes voluntarily will help and heal.
(As an aside - It'd be great if every WS would figure that out:
We don't WANT to pry for details, because you'll lie anyway. It's our last resort. We only go there when you leave us no choice. We collect little details like we're on some sick treasure-hunt along your trail of forgotten breadcrumbs - trying to piece together a TRUTH.
We don't want to know the DETAILS, we want YOU to WANT us to know the WHOLE TRUTH, so we can heal. WE want our WS's to face what they did and simply come clean. Lies and betrayal are a god-damned infection that you let into our relationships. Be adult enough to clean up your mess and dig that infection out - ALL of it. It's not OUR f'ing job. We don't want to know who put what where or how good it felt or how disappointing and empty it was. We want to know that our WS was brave enough to get in there and scrape it all out - and take a risk at letting us see the true extent. The whole reality. Someone who can do THAT would be someone a BS could take a risk WITH)
<steps off soapbox>
She back in IC, probably setting up a nice row of excuses which our therapist will knock down one by one.
If she sticks with it, she may get further than she did last time - or she may get to a point where she just decides it was a 'bad time for her' or whatever.
I'll say this:
I hope she finally understands her pattern of attention addiction and finds a way to want to stop it, feel true remorse and find her way back. That'd be nice - but...
Not my battle to fight.
I'm back to IC on Tuesday to sort out my feelings about my next steps.
Over the last couple of days, we've talked and I've laid it out:
- I didn't cause this
- I'm not doing anything to fix it, except to provide a calm environment in which she can pursue counseling
- I have every right to feel however I feel, and I don't have any obligation to talk to her about it if I don't feel like it.
- I don't care if this is hard for her.
- I am not in control of what happens next - she is. And she needs to figure out how to proceed.
Until she can actually face that she's a serial cheater who has placed this thrill above her husband and her family, there's nothing I can do except prepare to live my life alone.
I'm proceeding as if it's over.
Essentially, I'm planning on being out by July 1st unless she makes miraculous progress in therapy. Our therapist is amazing, knows my stance and if WW is open to guidance, she'll have the best. If she can't see the light, I won't be around for a third go around.
I'll put some money away over the next few months.
I have a network of clients who own rental properties, so I'm going to secure a place to go for when I need it.
She doesn't need to know, so I'm not telling.
The worst of this will be telling my youngest daughter when it's time. We each came to this marriage with a daughter, my oldest (my bio-daughter) is 29. She'll roll with it.
My youngest daughter is technically my stepdaughter and is 20 and away at college.
She's such a joy in my life and it's going to break my heart if this home and family that I've worked so hard to make for her is left to fall apart because of her mother's selfish actions.
I can handle all the rest, but seeing her face when I have to tell her is going to kill me.
Anyway, thanks again everyone.
You're the best
[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 11:26 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]
