The reason I asked if it was happening with everyone, or just your BS, is because I felt the same way. Lots of people did upsetting things to me on any given day (e.g. Everyone's job sucks and people are assholes) however none of those things really seemed to knock me off kilter. If my wife said even the smallest thing to me however, I'd lose it. It just seemed as if, no matter what I did or said, it was always seen as me being selfish, or uncaring, or not thoughtful, or even just plain rude or dangerous. I used to joke that if I had said, "Good morning" to her, she'd probably respond with, "Don't tell me what kind of morning to have". (Yes, I was an asshole.)
I was not able to realize it at the time, however I was so desperate, so very desperate to be happy, for her to be happy, to fix the mess I made, to just make it all go away... If you had asked me, I would have said no, those aren't the things I wanted. I would have said that I loved her and just wanted her to be happy, and that I was willing and able to accept the damage I had done to her. I believed those things with all my heart and soul. But I was wrong.
But the truth was, in many ways, I was just as wayward as I was during the affair.
The way I stopped the defensiveness and anger, and even dealt with the empathy issue, was that I needed to actually deal with that black hole inside of me, the one that needed my wife to make me feel whole, the one that I needed others to fill in order for me to cope with life.
My wife went away for a week on a business trip. I was already in a bad way and we had been arguing quite a bit in the previous weeks. She had been upset with me the week before because I was reaching out to her while she was gone and busy (and to be honest, I think she was enjoying the break from me) and me calling her several times a day was making her crazy. So when she went away again the next week, I made a plan to not call her for the whole week. Not to be a jerk, rather because she had said I was driving her nuts asking for her attention over and over, and my IC agreed that I needed to let go. That was a rough week. I not only did not call her, I did not reach out to anyone. I just wanted to see what life was like absent anyone else. I wanted to see if I could self-soothe myself, if I could be okay with just me.
It didn't go super well. By the time she got back (it was only about a week) I had convinced myself that she was ready to leave me (I later found out that was true) and by the time she got home, I had a talk with her, and asked her if we should just split up already, that I was tired of hurting her and tired of feeling hurt myself.
Sorry for the oversharing, but here's the thing I want you to understand. I had to get myself to a point where I was no longer "needy". I no longer needed her. I had spent the whole week trying to picture my life in my head, divorced, on my own, making my own way through life, how it would affect her and the kids, how I would maintain a job and feed and house myself when there was no "backup", and most importantly, how would I address the problem of needing others in order to love myself? Every bone in my body was screaming that I would need to find someone new, and fast! Because the thought of being alone felt awful, suicidal. But some kernel of dignity existed with me. I promised myself that I would NOT just run off with the first person I met. That I might, in fact, see if I could live on my own for several years, if not the rest of my life. And in order to do that, I needed to be okay with just myself. I had to be, because the alternative was just no longer acceptable. I was no longer willing to live like that.
And that... changed EVERYTHING.
Whatever switch in my head that needed to flip, it flipped. I was ready to throw my life away, but that was, in a weird way, a good thing, because it meant that I was able to accept myself for who I was, and that no matter how my life turned out, that I'd be okay. The reason that was so important was because it formed the basis for me to stop "Needing" my wife to be there for me. I could be there for myself instead. And when that happened, I was suddenly able to see her. I was no longer so busy worrying about myself that I could actually worry about her instead. It no longer mattered if she stayed or left because I knew I'd be okay either way, and that mindset allowed me to stop living in fear and defensiveness. It allowed me to own who I am, what I did, and why I did it, and still be okay with myself. The shame spiral disappeared completely. I still felt guilt and remorse in droves, but the shame was totally gone, and with it, the fog that had kept me trapped (and kept her in pain).
I think the reason you get so angry and defensive with her is because you are still so damn scared to lose her. And while your brain might tell you that it's because you love her, your body knows that it is still about you. You try to make her happy, try to do and say the right things, try to live your own life but somehow it's still tied to her... you aren't your own person and so you can't be her partner, or anyone's partner. When you can walk in your own light, and stand on your own two feet, and be someone who is okay with who she is, no matter what, then I think things will change for you as well.
Keep talking to your IC, and keep working on loving yourself. It takes tons of effort, courage and humility to change this shitty programming we WS's live by, but it CAN be done, and when it happens, I swear, it's like losing 100 lbs overnight. Everything changes, for the better, and no one can really hurt you anymore, because you are never really alone, and always strong enough to handle what life throws at you. For me, it felt like waking up from a really bad dream.
I know you can do it as well, CAL35. Stop trying to make her happy, and stop trying to control the outcome. Just work on yourself, and work on being proud of yourself. You did a shitty thing. I'm not going to say that it's okay, but I will say that it's not the end of the world, and that you can and will go on to do many wonderful, loving things that you are super proud of. Focus on that. Let the shame go and just focus on being someone who you are proud of being, right now, today.