Hi, Jeanninep4 - I am sorry that you found it necessary to find this site, but it is a safe place filled with people who want to help you. I understand much of what you are going through. My FWH is a diagnosed sex addict. It is good that you stood up for yourself and separated. It is important for you to detach yourself from the chaos and misery of living in infidelity so that you can make clear decisions and keep yourself as emotionally protected as possible during this time.
The opinions on this site about sex addiction vary, but there is decent research to verify that this addiction exists. Although the DSMV has declined to recognize sex as an addiction, the World Health Organization has recognized it based on a lot of solid research. Unfortunately, many cheaters use the addiction excuse in order to try to avoid facing the consequences of their behavior. This is why it is imperative to get a diagnosis by a qualified CSAT.
It certainly sounds like your husband has compulsive sexual behaviors. Addictions to sex. like other addictions, progress. An addiction to online porn progresses to affairs progresses to the use of prostitutes and other illegal activities, etc. My FWH had 19 years sober from drugs/alcohol when his addiction to pornography progressed into an affair. He was caught before it progressed further, although he tells me that he was looking around for another AP at the time.
ALL cheaters are liars and they are all manipulators who prey on the weakness of others to further their own agendas. Their words are meaningless. Their ACTIONS will tell you if they are remorseful and willing to become better and safer partners. These ACTIONS need to be consistent and for the long term. ALL cheaters require IC to learn why they cheated and the tools necessary to avoid cheating in the future. For cheaters who are addicts, this also means a lifetime commitment to sobriety: 12-step meetings (several per week at first), work with a sponsor, learning to avoid the triggers of the disease (for a sex addict, this can mean no social media sites, no engagement with any form of porn, including pictures of the preferred gender in sexualized photos in regular magazines, no masturbation, etc). The triggers vary by person.
The mindset of an addict is all about increasing stimulation: more or harder drugs, higher stakes for a gambler. For a sex addict, this means harder core porn or higher risk sexual behavior. There is also a form of porn induced ED, where the addict cannot perform sexually with a normal partner as the stimulation is less intense. It took my husband 6 months before he could successfully have sex with me. There is also sexual objectification to contend with, where the addict does not see the preferred gender as people. This causes major problems with boundaries with others and within the relationship.
I know this is a lot of information, but if you are considering reconciliation with your husband you need to be aware of what you are looking at. If your husband is an addict, he must be willing to obtain help HIMSELF and commit to this help for the rest of his life. Addicts who discontinue adherence to 12-step recovery and IC with a CSAT will almost certainly relapse. Relapse from any addiction is common (especially at first). This is what happened to my husband. He stopped going to meetings and although he was stayed sober from drugs/alcohol, sex addiction took the place of the chemicals.
My husband attends 12-step meetings (2 per week), works with his sponsor, attends IC twice per month with a CSAT, takes suggestions, avoids triggers, practices rigorous and unrelenting honesty and shows he is remorseful every day - almost 5 years after D-Day. I am lucky that there has not been a relapse, but I know who I am married to and act accordingly. It is not easy to live with an addict.
I know that this is overwhelming. You need to do what is right for you. If this is a dealbreaker, it is ok. Your husband must be at a place where he is willing to admit he is powerless over his behavior and that his life has become unmanageable. This is the first of the 12 steps. If he is not ready to admit this, to do anything that it takes to become sober, AND to commit to this way of life for the long term, then you are in for more chaos and misery. If you want to try to continue a marriage with him, you will need to set some strong boundaries and will need to enforce them. No exceptions.
If I were in your shoes, and I was willing to try to remain married, I would separate and watch for the actions which will tel you that your husband is invested in becoming a better human. This would be up to him, not to you. If you want more information about sex addiction, there is a book called Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is an expert on sex addiction. He also has some free interviews on Youtube. I would also attend some S-anon or Al-anon meetings. The people at these meetings are strong advocates and will teach you about being in a relationship with an addict.
Whether you are willing to remain in a marriage to this man or not, make sure that you get your name off of any accounts or credit cards you share with him. Make sure you take 1/2 of any money that you have in accounts and freeze any retirement accounts that he can borrow against. If he continues on his path of self-destruction, you will need to protect yourself. Also make sure you get full STD testing. Part of the stimulation for cheaters is to have unprotected sex.
