I KNOW this is really hard. Take a day or two to focus on what I am going to tell you, do what you need, and then get back to the emotional turmoil - unfortunately that isn't going anywhere so there will be plenty of time to deal with everything SI is telling you about the roller-coaster you just found yourself on. But do this legal stuff now - here's why, and note:
I am a lawyer - not a family lawyer and as such this is not my legal advice, but my personal opinion. Please seek legal counsel ASAP to assist you with figuring out what does and does not apply in your jurisdiction and how you can best proceed as what everyone, including myself is telling you, that may or may not be applicable in one way or another depending on where you life.
The legal stuff. Proceed right now as if you are 100% sure you are getting divorced AND proceed like it will be a nasty one. If that changes, so be it, you can always withdraw a divorce complaint and just because you take a very offensive stance does not mean you cannot lighten up later. By nasty I do NOT mean exchanging nasty words with your WS (in fact IMO all communications on your end should be as cordial and un-nasty as possible).
Selecting counsel:
You may be wondering why people are telling you to talk to 3 lawyers instead of 1. The quick reason is if you have a meeting with a lawyer which is a "let's see if I want to hire you to represent me in my separation/divorce" then in most places you WS is precluded from hiring that attorney for this divorce. In some places, like big cities, this is no big deal as there are tons of lawyers, but in smaller jurisdictions, if you want to make things a little difficult for your WS (not something I advise personally) that is a way to do it. If there are only a handful of attorneys who specialize in divorce in your area, and you meet with all of them, your WS is going to have to travel to find one and it will likely cost her a bit more to do that. Again, not my cup of tea (and my WH has given me plenty of grounds to be pissed off and angry) but maybe it's yours.
Also, again if you are in a small area, while it may not be your cup of tea, it might be your WS's, and you don't want him/her going out there and meeting with tons of lawyers thus precluding YOU from doing that, so at best, find counsel you are happy with NOW to avoid that scenario and to get you some jurisdiction-specific advice.
Money/financial issues:
In many states a legal separation is an option and in some states/jurisdictions at least a physical separation is a requirement before divorce. It sets the groundwork for how the divorce will proceed and starts to separate assets/liabilities up front so you stop taking on joint debt. The last thing you want is to be responsible financially for your share of you WS's moving costs etc if you can avoid it.
If you live in a jurisdiction where physical separation is a pre-requisite to divorce (some states even have a counseling requirement before divorce, but those are rare - but do exist) so find out what the requirements are now. The last thing you want to do is be in "in house separation" (IHC) for a year only to find out that you can't file until you are living in separate residences for a period of time. Some states have a longer period if you have kids and others do not. Most states have done away with the residing separate and apart requirements but not all (and I have no idea about requirements outside the US/Canada) so finding out now is important.
Kids/Custody:
I highly recommend anyone who may be going through this to read up on the "best interest of the child" standard in your jurisdiction. There are a lot of websites that easily explain what courts in your area consider when determining custody, and you should know what they are.
Most jurisdictions put a lot of emphasis on where the kids reside the majority of the time and all of them that I am aware of look to the state the children were residing at the time the divorce (and sometimes separation) was filed as a baseline for determining where they "should" continue to reside. Here is why working NOW on getting this sorted out in your situation is key:
Generally speaking, your WS cannot move and take the kids out of the state where they legally reside without an agreement from you or a court order, which would mean a modification of the support/custody order entered by the court in a legal separation or divorce.
So, for simplicity's sake let's say that you have 2 kids at the time the legal separation/divorce was ordered by the court. In the Court's order the 2 kids were to reside with your spouse and you have them every other weekend, and you were to pay spousal support of $500 per month. Now, your EXWS decides to move out of state and take the kids. Let's also say that the place they are moving is too far for the every other weekend exchange to take place.
Clearly this move is going change some things: not only the time you get to spend with the kids, but what it will cost you because someone is going to have to pay for them to travel back and forth. Generally speaking (again this is very general and not state specific) if you have already gone to court, the kids state of residence has been determined, so most likely your WS would be on the hook for some, if not all, of those transportation related costs, because she is the one who took them out of their state of residence. Also, it gives you grounds to want the kids to remain in their state of residence as the burden will likely be on the party moving out of state (in this case, your WS). The burden will likely be on your WS to establish that the move is in the "best interest of the child/children". Right now, the state of legal residence would be where you all live so your WS would have to prove that the move is in the best interest of the kids she seeks to move. Also, as the whole every other weekend thing won't work anymore, that needs to be changed at all.
If you have a custody/support/visitation court order, anything would have to be modified before the court unless you can agree separately. Without one, she could move the kids, AND later when (if) you do file, you might find YOU are on the hook for paying for their transportation to/from you + have to renegotiate your visitation schedule. Basically, without a court order, you are really hoping that your WS is reasonable with you about this (some are, and some are not).
There is a lot more, but this is just a baseline description so you can understand why, when you are in such pain and misery, is everyone telling you to talk to counsel now.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:21 AM, July 30th (Thursday)]
