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Does anyone have any experience with finding out your husband is going online and sexting, webcaming and meeting up with crossdressers to give BJs? I found out on 14th July that my DH had been trying to hook up with past encounters. I’m so hurt and I’m not sure which is worse, having oral sex with another woman or with other men. He claims it was a handful of men about 5 years ago, but I can never trust him again and I believe he is a liar. My world is crushed and I’m heartbroken. He’s been secretly cross dressing since he was a young teen. I’ve tried to explain to him the cross dressing isn’t the issue, but meeting strangers in tights and panties giving BJs is! Other than this, he is a good husband and always treated me like a queen.

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this.

I think you are wise and empathetic to see the cross dressing as one thing, but the cheating something else completely.

I don’t have any knowledge about cross dressing, but I have learned a lot about infidelity here. I just wanted you to know you have been heard.

Keep reading and posting here. You will find there are so many things we all have in common when dealing with infidelity, though the details may be a bit different,

I would suggest finding an IC for YOU (not a marriage counselor) to help find your way through this. Make sure it is one that is experienced in working through infidelity

Ginny, thank you for your response, it means a lot.

Full panel STD tests now, then 180. Don't touch him.

RUN !!!

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I think you have to ask yourself some questions before you run or 180 as some others suggestions were.

Do you want the marriage to continue?

Are you willing to try and work through these issues before calling quits?

Is the cross dressing something that he includes you on or hides it?

With full honesty and transparency are you wanting to resolve and fix the issues.

Ask him what he wants. Is there a part of him that wants to leave the marriage?

I would also suggest that you both seeks out IC and then maybe from there work together.

There is a part of him that feels the need to do this. Telling him to stop may cause more issues down the road or resentment from him. Is it something you are open to if he is completely honest with you?

"Cross dressing isn't the issue".

I understand it's not THE issue but why isn't it an issue?

To Booyah

Why would you think cross dressing is an issue? Healthy couples role play and she is very much aware of his desire to dress in woman's clothes. That's why I asked if he kept it hidden from her or if it was something he did with her.

Depending on how deep the cross dressing goes there may be identity issues here that may require professional help.

Crossdressing will be a trigger for her,since her husband was crossdressing when he met these men. And,yes, couples role play all the time. Thats not what was happening here. She wasnt a part of it.

She said he kept it hidden, so it doesn't sound like she knew until dday.

She is well within her rights to ask him to stop. I will never understand why we tell betrayed spouses to accommodate their WS because heaven forbid they resent them later. Betrayed spoused hold a lot of resentment. I think it's OK of the WS is asked to as well.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

As I understand your post, your H cross-dresses in secret, but you know about and are OK with it. Your concern is 1) he apparently cheated with men, and 2) you caught him trying to reconnect with his former aps. Is that correct?

First, if you think about it a bit, these constitute full betrayals no matter what gender the aps are. Male ap, female ap - they're all aps, and it's really hard, IMO, to think of one as better or worse than the other.

Second, it's bad enough to find out he's looking for sex outside M now. I think it is worse/more painful/harder to recover from when it's now AND in the past, especially when the revelation about the past is new.

Third, you're not alone. There are reportedly a lot of men who seek sex with other men while in Ms with women. Some are obviously gay, but I have to conclude that some are bisexual, attracted to both men and women.

It's OK to D after being cheated on, but R is often possible - if both partners want R and are willing to do the work. Do you know what you want to do?

To clarify a few things I didn’t add in my original post. I have found a little stash of tights, bra and panties before on a few occasions. But when I would find things, he would throw them away and say he doesn’t want to do those things anymore. We will be married 20 years in October, so I need to really think about my options. He has promised me before that he’s never met up with anyone online and it was only sex chatting with other crossdressers, transsexuals, etc. The therapist believes all the lying, sneaking and cheating stems from when he was in scouts and a parent helper helped herself to him (he was 2 weeks away from being 15). She must have been around 31 at the time with 2 kids. He broke up with her 2 months after his 16th birthday. She made him wear panties, have sex while she was on her period, and he would lie to his parents where he was going everyday and all the sneaking around he did. She told him he could never tell anyone about their relationship. He always saw this as a good sexual experience until 2008 when he was told he was a victims of child sexual abuse. He says he was always ashamed for me to know that he liked women’s clothing. He didn’t meet up with anyone recently because he stopped himself because he said it was wrong and he threw away his tights and undies about a week before I found out that he was going online. He will never be cured of cross dressing so I said to him that I would buy him things if he wanted to dress. If it’s not hurting him or me (and I know about it) then it’s ok. If there is no hiding clothes and sneaking behind my back, then maybe that will break a vicious cycle. He’s a very gentle person normally and he feels comfortable opening up about his cross dressing and wearing tights and underwear in front of me. The hurt that I’m going through is finding out that he has met up with a handful of strangers (According to him). When I found out, I burnt my wedding dress and took a hammer to my wedding band /engagement ring. He has my busted rings in his bedside table. The marriage we had is broken, but the question is, can something new emerge from these ashes? I have put restriction codes on his phone and iPad and he was happy with that. He said he wanted all the bad stuff to stop.

I don't think it's going to stop until he gets some real treatment for the childhood sexual abuse. This kind of behavior tends to escalate because his body eventually becomes accustomed to the biochemical rush he gets from acting out. So, cross-dressing becomes blowjobs, and blowjobs will become something more illicit and exciting in order to provide a bigger rush.

This isn't something YOU can control. But whether you choose to give him time to resolve these issues is up to you. No cheater deserves a second chance. That's your gift to give or withhold based exclusively on what right for you. I would say though that you'd do well to INSIST on treatment. Cross-dressing is okay if he is simply enjoying it. But it's NOT okay if he's feeling a compulsion to do it and is ashamed of himself.

Putting restrictions on his phone or iPad is not going to stop his desires.

So, he has hooked up with men in the past?

Go to your Dr., get checked for STDs.

He’s such a liar to promise you anything, don’t fall for it.

I don’t know, I wasn’t ok finding out my husband was wearing my pantyhose/panties and bras. It has really messed me up. I’m amazed how much I hear women saying they are ok with this.

Your mind is probably all over the place, sorry your dealing with this.

FW,

I'm a bit confused about what your WH actually did with these OM, the story sound like minimization and omission. I suggest you have your WH write out a timeline for all his extra marital activities.

Then take him for a polygraph.

If he gave oral to other men how on earth are you ever going to kiss him again, and do you want to give that up for the rest of your life?

I contacted a counsellor today for my me, so I'll take that one day at a time. In response to how many other males and the timeline, he swears it was about 5 or 6 and about 5 years ago. I have found evidence that backs this story up. There could be more, but I don't know yet. I tried to drive home the fact that when you meet a stranger (don't even know their first name) to give them a BJ, think about if he has a criminal record for child abuse. I said to DH that image you sticking a penis in your mouth that has raped a child. That gave him something to think about. He is going to sort out counselling for himself. I do however, feel better speaking to someone today.

My husband of 24 years has cheated with me the last three months... he has moved to the basement and said it was not love and he still loves me?!?! WTH?!?! We have two teen daughters who found out.....this is a nightmare.....I am so sorry Forgiving Wife......I am in shock.....he cheated with a man

[This message edited by Figstrong at 3:14 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

It's hard. You love a d you care but upset enough to smash your rings. Take your time and really listen to your heart. Mine acted out in a way that upset me too. None of this is easy.

I think he needs to start healing from being used as a child before more time goes by. He needs to talk to someone who can help him. Users look for gentle innocents.

You sound fair and kind yourself. The thing I learned was don't shortchange yourself in this. Find out what matters to you.

My husband wants to try again but I still cannot believe he cheated with a guy on top of everything.... my daughters are beyond hurt as am I . Going to a therapist next week because I don’t understand.....

Figstrong, do our DH want us to do it back to them? I can’t bring myself to stoop so low. My DH says he’s devastated that he has caused me so much pain. Then why do it? Why not come to me saying he wants to explore his bi sexuality, particularly with men? He’s always denied being bisexual, so then why? My question to our DH’s is: was it worth it? I asked my DH would he leave me if I went out and had full sex with another man and he said he wouldn’t and that he wouldn’t blame me. But, I do have morals so I wouldn’t do that. I also asked him if I should go to these men’s houses and do to them what he did to them? Keep it in the family so to speak. It would hurt him, but I wouldn’t do that. I now need to buy myself a TV for my new bedroom.

I just want to know if there is a huge percentage of men who are cheating on their wives with other men? How do you trust any guy after this? Let alone trust a straight man cheating with women?....