SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all!

A little bit about my story. My husband was caught cheating on September 9, 2019 - two weeks before our wedding. I had spent an entire year searching for the perfect decorations, wedding dress and had every invitation stamped with love. I was so excited to finally be wed.

I have two children from a previous relationship, and my children both call my significant other “dad”. This was unprompted, but as their father is not in the picture, we found it to be okay. So you can imagine how hard this hit all of us, when I found out about his infidelity. The children don’t actually know what he did, they just see how it affects me, and that truly hurts me.

My husband was working a security job at Menards when we first met in June of 2018. He was wonderful and so full of life. I’ve never met someone like him. Always so cheerful, thoughtful and put me and the children before himself. Fast forward to August 2018. He started acting “off”. In my world, “off” consists of hiding his phone when he normally set it down and leave the room. He no longer let his phone sit. Our sex life had dwindled, and he started blaming it on testosterone issues - which he never had before. A brand new relationship with a tanking sex life? I chalked it up to his self diagnosed testosterone issue. He had to work late. He was constantly cleaning out his truck, and when I met him he only cleaned it right as I was hopping in it. Little signs that did not sit right with me. So I had a few glasses of wine, sat him down and talked with him. He swore to me that this is what he wanted, he wanted to be a dad and eventually, marry me. He said he had a perfect life and he would never EVER do anything to ruin that.

Anyway, like the trusting person I am - I believed him. I disregard any gut feelings I have. Tell my women’s intuition to fuck off. My heart and head dove head first into his lies. We got engaged Christmas Day of 2018 at his parents house. It was truly beautiful.

Two weeks prior to D-day (September 9th 2019) I had noticed a few things in his work phone - that I would sneak through some nights when I felt things were “off”. I noticed a strange email address in the notes section of his iPhone. The email was JoeBrown073264. I thought this could be an email of a guy that he worked with. Then I seen his browser search history was for a nearby hotel, The Red Roof Inn. Nothing else was searched for, just that. My heart sank.

On the night of September 9th, I finally confronted him. He blew off the red roof inn search, saying he had to look it up for a job he was on. Then I confronted him about the weird email address, and he finally came clean. He had been seeing the front end manager, whom was 9 years younger than him and I, (we are 31 & 30) for over a year. They started the affair in august of 2018, two months after we met. This girl was also engaged to someone who worked at the same location as them, but just like me, her fiancé never knew an affair was happening. My husband and this girl were talking at work, exchanging emails over multiple fake email addresses, and texting. They would meet up at her house, her car, his truck and have sex.

I was gutted. This was two weeks before my $15,000 wedding. A wedding I had been planning and dreaming of for 9 long months. I was head over heels in love. So in love that I totally looked past every red flag and gut feeling. I was defeated.

We immediately started couples counseling. He did not want to end our relationship. He said he made the worst mistake of his life, that he had never cheated before, and since he went into the military as a boy for 8 whole years, he also came out a very dumb, young boy as well. He said he never grew up. He also told me he would spend the rest of his life making it right - going to counseling, leaving no question unanswered, would put in all of the work, and would show me that he was the man I wanted to marry.

I think I may have died for the two weeks before our wedding - and on the day of our wedding, I came back to life. I was a walking zombie at work, with our counselor, and with our family and friends. I had shut down. I never felt so low. But he was right there, trying to fix me. Making sure I was taken care of. And I was vulnerable, sad, and still in love.

We have been married now for a year. In that time, we lost our son at 17 weeks gestation, we’ve gone through this pandemic, bought a camper, a pool, remodeled our house, and are currently conquering home schooling. Its been a hard first year. But you know what really hits me the hardest? Triggers. Songs, Menards, the spots of town they met to have sex, movies, her name whenever I hear it in shows or movies, certain times of the year.

My question; what do you all do when you’re triggered? I immediately shut down and get quiet. Sometimes I act like something doesn’t bother me and I’ll bottle it up. It seems like I’m still triggered by a lot, even a year later. How do you deal with this pain? Does it ever go away? Does it ever get better?

Please note: my husband and I have magnificent communication. And although he did hide this affair, we are very open and honest about every other aspect of our life. There isn’t anything we don’t share. Unfortunately, the lack of communication when I was asking him if there was anything going on from 2018-2019, and he would tell me “no”, was his own fault and I recognize that.

StillFrozen - welcome to SI, the best "club" no one wants to join. You will get a lot of great advice from folks who have been in the trenches of infidelity. Take what works and leave the rest behind.

Because I see some parallels, I want to share some of my story. It doesn't mean it will be your story too, but it's unusual to have a dday just before a wedding....

I also caught my WH cheating on the eve of our wedding. We had a fight, he was drunk, and he left, coming home in the wee hours of the am. Somehow, I later found a fishy receipt and turns out he went to a prostitute that night (who knew you could put THAT on a credit card?). I was also a single mom. I also went forward with the wedding. Flash forward nearly 25 years, and I learn he continued to cheat in some form or another during our entire M. It has been devastating. I feel that the majority of my adult life has been a complete lie.

So -my question for you is what is your WH doing to become a safe partner?

I see you are in couples counseling, but is he in IC?

He began with this woman only TWO months after you met, and continued for an entire year - including through your engagement?

That is a HUGE red flag, and given the timing strikes me as a bit of an 'outlier' way of behaving. IOW - he may have some very deep seated intimacy and honesty issues that have to be addressed, as that is the "good" time of a relationship (and the obvious next question is - so what happens in a decade when the bedroom is stale? Or the kids are in a particularly challenging phase, etc)

he was right there, trying to fix me. Making sure I was taken care of.

I had nearly 25 years of what I thought was a damn solid M. The kind of M that others were jealous of (well, still are, given they don't know what he was really up to). And my WH was EXACTLY as you describe - right there, trying to fix me, taking care of me, etc. Together, we built a great life, were VERY active in our community, and were wonderful partners - or so I thought.

The problem is that all of that "fixing" and "taking care of" was really hiding some pretty effed up ways of thinking, and some absolutely effed up ways of behaving - in secret, of course. My WH was doing what Brene Brown calls "hustling for his worth". A lot of his A behavior is motivated by being a KISA (knight in shining armor). He gets his own value from how he is mirrored by others - esp women.

He also has some significant attachment issues (read up on it, there's a great book called "attached" that I got from my library). While I gripe a lot about my WH's lack of work & progress, one thing he has learned from this rollercoaster is that he's been a liar his entire life, about anything and everything that causes him shame. He has NEVER been emotionally intimate with anyone - including me (tho I'm the 'closest' he's come with anyone). He learned early - and spent a lifetime perfecting - the ability to just not "feel" anything and to either bury it or lie about it when he did. He built a TON of resentment toward me, our family, etc.

If at all possible, I would ask him to see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) for an IC. I would require a timeline of his A, and follow it up with a polygraph, bc someone who is willing to cheat and live a secret sexual life for an entire year during the "engagement" and "honeymoon" phases is VERY VERY VERY likely to cheat again.

In my sitch, aside from the ONS I caught him in, before we M he was ALSO seeing the XGF that became his LTA AP, and I believe others as well. He claims he wasn't sleeping with said XGF at the time - she says they were - who to believe? After dday I got more info about his past infidelities - turns out that EVERY relationship he's been in included cheating in some form - he was cheating, he was cheated on, or he was an AP. He still hasn't provided a full timeline, which is a precursor to the polygraph. I will probably D before I ever get the truth.

I sure wish I'd had even a remote clue about all of this when we'd only been M one year... and BEFORE I chose to have another child with him.

Listen to Dr Omar Minwalla's 3-part interviews on "Helping Couples Heal" podcast to learn about the "integrity abuse disorder" and the issues with having a secret sexual life.

This infidelity is entirely a "HIM" problem - it is NOT a "couple" problem. I suspect this is the last thing you want to hear, but I truly think it's really really unlikely that couples counseling will do the deep diving required to get him the tools he needs to also learn how to actually use in order to become a safe partner. Cheaters are really really good at "white knuckling" for a long time (like a dry drunk).

So. You asked about triggers.

The first thing is the dreaded four letter word: T-I-M-E. They do get better. I'd say I probably started seeing changes around months 12-18.

I also did EMDR starting around month 8. That helped.

There are other modalities in therapy that can help, but it mostly comes down to trying to retrain your thinking.

Are you in IC for yourself? Do you see learning of your WH's pre-M A as a trauma?

Have you read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald? which I'm told is available online for free. It's a pretty quick read, but is almost universally considered a "must read" on SI.

I would stay away from anything that outright or implies blame to the BS (which includes Janis Spring's After the Affair [tho some on SI got a lot from it], and anything by Esther Perel or Myra Kirshenbaum [tho again, there are a few SI folks who aren't as opposed as others to either of those authors - you can get opinions in SI's The Book Club thread).

Most ICs will see this as a trauma. Many/most BS' have symptoms akin to PTSD, some get a Dx of PTSD (I did). Whether you get the Dx or not, the point is that it seems the way to manage the triggers is to address the trauma of your WH's A. I have seen several so called infidelity "specialists", but turns out the best IC for me has been one who specializes in trauma - and I've just educated myself on a lot of the infidelity pieces. Marnie Breecker did a 2-part interview on Duane Osterlind's "the addicted mind" podcast that is all about relational betrayal trauma. It was the first time I felt validated... the first time I recognized that I was dealing with something beyond what I'd ever had to deal with before (and that - like most folks - includes a long line of curveballs). There is a thread about this podcast in the "general" forum that I will bump for you (but you may still have to "dig" for it, as the topics in general move down the list pretty quickly).

Anyhow, this is now super long.

Welcome. I wish you the best in learning how to recover from your WH's A.

And you will get plenty of others commenting too.

Godspeed.

ETA: I have bumped that thread for you. It's in general. If you can't find it on the general thread, you can still find it by googling: "surviving infidelity" "Therapists that get what a BS goes through".

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:22 PM, September 23rd, 2020 (Wednesday)]

@gmc94 - Thank you so much for all of the much needed information! I will definitely start diving further into podcasts and reading!

I am sorry to hear of your husband’s infidelity, and that you found out on the Eve of your wedding. I had two weeks to make the decision to get married and I did it. I felt confident in my decision, but sometimes I wonder if I rushed it. Even though I am happier now.

I started seeing our counselor by myself. I went to him for 3 weeks straight, just to kind of dig into my past, my present and my future with my husband. It was quite nice being able to talk about my feelings and get some feedback from someone that was not biased.

I am very concerned that my now “detective lifestyle” will eventually push him away, or back to cheating someday. That may be a very crazy thought to have, but it is how I feel. He may just get fed up with the constant questioning as well as asking to just see his phone every once in a while when he’s not expecting it. It is my biggest fear that he will cheat again.

My husband is not currently seeing a counselor or even talking to his friends. I know he bottles his feelings up, and he is hurting. Whenever I bring up how I’m feeling on a particularly bad day, he starts immediately blaming himself for his wrongdoings, and gets upset knowing he caused all of this turmoil.

I want him to seek the help he needs while I do the same for myself. That is why I have joined this fantastic forum! It is truly healing here. Thank you again for all of your advice, and I will start reading soon! 😊

By "eve" I meant shortly before - I think it was about a month (maybe even 2) before the actual wedding. After invites had gone out, deposits placed, dress bought, etc. In retrospect, I think I went through with it bc I was afraid. Afraid for my kid. Afraid of the shame & humiliation & embarrassment. Afraid I'd never find another man who took care of me like WH, etc.

my now “detective lifestyle” will eventually push him away, or back to cheating someday.

Not a crazy way to feel, but it avoids the truth of As - namely, that it has NOTHING to do with the BS. You can spend the rest of your life playing detective, and if he wants to cheat, he will find a way. They all do (if you read here awhile you will see a LOT of stories of "false R" where the WS continues their A, even after dday and often while in MC or even IC. Unfortunately, it's something WS do a lot more than most of us realize). No one - even a BS - can make or force or push a spouse to throw their own integrity and morals into a garbage can.

That way of thinking gives the BS an illusion of control - over something we have NO control over. Most of us were raised to think that if someone it cheats, it's bc of the BS or a problem in the M... the old "it takes two to tango" routine. It's a way for us to tell ourselves that it won't ever happen to "us" bc we have a good M, we are good people, our spouses are "good" people who love us, etc.

But it's all bullshit. A cheater cheats bc they want to cheat. End of sentence. It has NOTHING to do with their partner/spouse. It has to do with them being broken... often (or maybe usually/always) DEEPLY broken. Deep down inside of them is a hole that NO ONE can fill other than themselves. Not a BS. Not even an AP. They are masking deep fears and anger and trauma and a host of other possibilities - none of which have a damn thing to do with their BS, their M, or their "situation" in life.

After my WH's pre-M ONS, I immediately forgave him and I NEVER - for the next 20+ years, brought it up again - even in an argument..... until dday2. I again trusted him completely. Viewed it as a drunken "mistake" that I never even really thought about much. And even if I HAD held it over his head for the next 20+years, I still don't control him or his actions. I still did not "push" or otherwise make him have an A. That is 10000% on HIM. If he was unhappy, there are a TON of other ways he could have addressed it. If he was unhappy with me or our M, also a TON of other ways he could have addressed it. He didn't chose any other way. My WH is a cake eater - meaning he NEVER intended to leave me. NEVER wanted to leave me. NEVER was "in love" with any of his APs. Said he ALWAYS loved me (hell, he says he told his POSOW all about what a WONDERFUL person I am... how effed up is that?) So, if I'm so wonderful, why did he cheat? BC cheating is about the WAYWARD person, not the betrayed. Lying is about the liar, not the person being lied to.

Whenever I bring up how I’m feeling on a particularly bad day, he starts immediately blaming himself for his wrongdoings, and gets upset knowing he caused all of this turmoil.

Classic wayward behavior and, IMHO, a sign he's not digging deep and working on himself. One of the first things a WS has to learn is to manage their own SHAME and selfishness and find a way to get to EMPATHY for the damage they have caused - for the trauma he has imposed upon someone he professes to "love". When you tell him you are triggering and he goes into a shame spiral (blaming himself, telling himself/you he's a failure, etc) he is taking YOUR pain and making it about HIM and - worse- MANIPULATING you into feeling sorry for his pain about ABUSING you. Think about that for a minute. It ain't easy, bc we want to believe our WS are "good" people, so words like abuse and manipulation can be super hard to swallow. Just bc they don't intend to abuse or manipulate, doesn't make it any less so.

My husband is not currently seeing a counselor or even talking to his friends

This is a hallmark of shame. Again, my story is my story and who knows what happens in yours, but my WH did the same damn thing. REFUSED to speak to his BFF who loves him and would be kind and generous to him despite his cheating. Refused to speak to his family too. 9 months after dday I found WH hanging from a noose in our garage. He died in my arms while I tried to untie the rope and was waiting for 911. EMT revived him and he made a pretty much full recovery, a literal effing miracle given they worked on him for ~8 min. It added a whole host of hurt to an already fucked up situation. The bottom line is that this is something a WS needs to learn to manage/cope with -and hiding from their friends and family is not going to help. He needs a support system OUTSIDE of you, or this crap will fester. And you cannot be his sole support system - it's exhausting (and no wonder you still trigger badly).

So - he (and you) need to learn about shame and he MUST find ways to manage it and accept that he's not perfect (is he a 'superman' type? Always helping others? Always putting others before his own needs? When he screws something up, is he able to accept he screwed up, that it doesn't make him a "bad" person and he can let it go and move on? Or does he let it get to him, or blame others, or deny that it was his doing?). Some Brene Brown - a renown shame researcher - can help. My favorite of hers - and one I think is a great introduction to her work - is "the power of vulnerability", an audiotape of a series of lectures/TED talks she's given. I got it on Hoopla via my library for free (and that full audio is about 6hrs - not the same as the youtube videos). The Marnie Breecker / Omar Minwalla podcasts will also talk about shame (as will the Helping Couples Heal podcast, which is only about 1 yr old). I can't tell you how helpful all of that was to me and my healing - I owe them big time.

Which is also why I tend to recommend a CSAT for a WS -s/he doesn't need to be a "sex addict" to get the benefits of a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) who has very specialized training in wayward thinking/behaviors, but also in the "relational betrayal trauma" that is experienced by the BS. A good CSAT will start with the timeline/polygraph - to create a baseline of honesty from the past and moving forward. It's trying to lay a more solid foundation upon the ruins that are left from the affair.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:01 PM, September 23rd, 2020 (Wednesday)]

((((stillfrozen))))

Welcome to SI. You have come to the right place!

gmc94 has given you pure gold with her advice and I echo it.

I wanted to say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby; I think that IC would help both of you to deal not only with his infidelity, but of this horrible loss.

His As are something that cannot be rugswept because he has shame; his infidelity will inevitably be an issue again if it is not addressed head on. Intensive IC for him must be a non-negotiable condition for R, IMHO.

Sending hugs and strength,

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 3:04 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

@Stillfrozen

Sorry you are one of us and have to deal with triggers and pain and all that comes with this. The triggers will lessen and get better with time. I would let him know I was having a trigger, or walk into another room and get myself busy. I pushed it down and buried it as much as I could --- that was my process of healing. Give yourself time.