SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Where to start...

I found out on Christmas Day that WH has been paying for sex from a website for 8.5 years. There was dating, flirting abut the sex was not frequent. I only found out because he contracted an STI. He has been ramping up and spent >$12000.00 last year... during a pandemic which I would assume would at least make you think twice about meeting up with a stranger. Sex addiction has come up both in my IC and on this forum as something that may be going on with him. I am overwhelmed and need some help. Can you provide some references to help me wrap my mind around this? Anybody else out there the spouse of a sex addict? Any advice for how to help me gain some perspective? Anything I can do to help him? To help me? Books to read? Websites to find appropriate counselors? I am still new to this and I’m not expecting to heal overnight but I look in the library and just feel like I don’t know where to start.

Thank you so much for everyone who has posted to help on this and my previous posts. Just feeling a part of a community is like finding a rock to cling to in a storm.

There are plenty of posters who are married to or divorced from sex addicts. I’m sorry you have to face this. We sell understand the pain of affairs, addictions, etc.

I would like to point out there is very little you can do for him. Support and forgiveness and all that - yes you can provide that.

But he cannot change or will not change unless he decides to fix/address his issues and commits to it. An addiction is an addiction. Please know that.

He needs to go to a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and be formally diagnosed. And, depending on those results, he will need many many sessions.

Think of it as an alcoholic or a drug addict but worse to deal with. Typically this has started with a childhood sexual or emotional abuse. Many layers to unpack in therapy.

On this site go to I can Relate and check out the soused of sex addict forum. Numerous resources there to check out on page one. Ongoing struggles for spouses in all the pages.

I am the spouse of a SA and it's been a very tough road. I have stayed but only because of my chronic illness. Younger and in good health I would have been gone. We all have our own limits and only you can determine what you are willing to work with in your own situation.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so painful!

I've been married to a sex addict for almost 23 years. It is challenging and heartbreaking. I personally don't believe trust ever fully returns.

My husband also slept with prostitutes, visited massage parlors, pursued women online and was just an all around selfish asshole! This went on for almost 20 years before he disclosed after a marriage counseling session. I was beyond shocked! I never thought my husband would actually cheat on me, let alone pay for sex. He spent thousands of dollars and lied to my face daily for two decades. To say I felt betrayed is an understatement.

Thankfully, he has an amazing counselor who specializes in treating sex addiction. My husband has weekly counseling sessions, attends a weekly SA group, created a timeline, passed a polygraph and offers full transparency in regards to phone, computer, iPad and location. He has not acted out since disclosure (that I am aware of), this includes not looking at porn. He knows any slip will result in divorce.

My husband is a changed man. He treats me like a queen now. However, I still cannot fully get over

everything he did, even at three years out. I doubt I ever will. But, we have three amazing kids and complicated finances, so I stay. Plus, I still love him, and his actions show me on a daily basis how much he loves me in return. Although, if at any time he stops doing the work, I will not hesitate to walk away.

Hi! Fellow spouse (well, ex-spouse) of a sex addict here.

I suggest you look into finding a therapist specializing in betrayal trauma for yourself. If they don't specify betrayal trauma, any kind of trauma specialist will do. That is what you are living through right now, a trauma, and it needs to be treated as such.

The key is to focus on yourself. You can't change him, only he can do that. And that will only happen with consistent hard work to overcome it. His behavior isn't about you, it's about him and his own issues with shame, self esteem etc.

It may help you to read through some of the posts on our Spouses of SA thread down in the I Can Relate Forum.

Here is the most recent one:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=648555

It can go through lulls, but if you post there someone will always try to respond. The 2nd post on the first page also has a ton of good info, I suggest reading it.

Here are some old threads too. They are no longer active meaning you can't add to them, but it might be helpful to read what we've written there.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639840

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=635206&AP=621

If you go to the I Can Relate forum, you'll find a thread on SA. I think GMC94 mentioned it to you in your other thread. That was an exceptionally informative post from her and you'd do well to read it a few times and let it soak in. You might also want to keep your posts on one thread in order to provide continuity.

Personally, I don't buy into SA as an excuse. I understand the mechanics and how the brain is affected, but if I'm perfectly honest, SA would make me MORE likely to divorce than less. If I'm forced to accept that a person can't control themselves without a 12-step program, I'm not finding the prospect of living with that very enticing. SA is NOT like alcoholism or heroin addiction. The body doesn't go through withdrawal sickness, no DT's or puking. So, as addictions go, SA is a really mild one. Your WH managed to get an STI during a pandemic where he might have brought life-threatening illness to you and your children, but if he had ignored his compulsion, there would have been ZERO physical consequence to him from it. That's appalling when you think about it.

So, yeah... SA is a thing. But it's treatment protocols will be demanding of you, and there's an out-sized risk of "acting out". Many SA's will begin treatment and then fail to maintain it.

You're very early days right now. The temptation to grab onto ANY explanation for why the person you most trusted betrayed you is NORMAL. But try to resist it. Instead, focus on what YOU need and what you want to achieve with your life. We can't save our WS's because we can't CONTROL our WS's. We can't control anyone but ourselves. So, whether your WH is truly SA or not, HE is the one who's going to have to take responsibility for making changes and sticking with them. You'll learn a lot by stepping back and WATCHING to see what he does.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:13 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]