Posted this in JFO forum, but wanted to share it here in the D/S space as well for those going down the D-route.
Yesterday was my 4yr Anniversary of Dday, and what a ride its been. I wanted to post an update to say thank you to those that have gone thru the pain of Infidelity and have chosen to be a guide for all the noobies just starting their journey.
For a long time, I was just a lurker on this site, especially at the very beginning of my journey into infidelity. I couldn't stop reading the many threads on SI to find similarities, to find hope that someone, somehow would save my marriage. I didn't actually sign up for an account until 2018. Now, 4 yrs out, I've been divorced for close to 2.5yrs and 2.5 yrs into my New Beginning which I'll touch on below.
Looking back at my journey, SI was the driving force and my own educational portal into Infidelity and the ways of the Wardward spouse. They say there is no handbook for being a parent, well there's also no handbook for how to deal+heal+parent+moving forward after D-day for Infidelity either. I learned most everything from the strangers on this site, and I can say that I'm stronger today, more educated, and looking at a brighter future today than I was 4 yrs ago.
Prior to SI I did all the wrong things including the pick me dance. We, the faithful BS had no idea that our spouses were capable of all these heinous actions behind our back, our children's back and deceptive measures taken at our expense. If I could make one suggestion for the newbies its to listen to the guidance of the strangers on this forum. They've been thru the battles, and have much knowledge to share. If you were like me, cheating was new to me, it was something that happens to other people. Never in a million years did I think it was going to happen to me. I had in my mind a happy, successful marriage. We had a wonderful fulfilling life, great children and very little stress. Financially speaking, we were fortune and money was never a stressor for us, so the unhappiness or cheating was a surprise to me.
It took me sometime to wake up from my own fog. I so wanted to make my marriage work, to save it for the kids, I ended up devaluing myself to try to save a marriage to a spouse that was just too lost in her affair. In addition to the reading and advice from SI, the final straw was her bestfriend telling me that I was too good, and I shouldn't wait for my exWW to wake up. That came at roughly month 3-4 after Dday. When her own best friend told me that I had to leave and that I deserved me, that was a turning point for me. I instituted the 180, NC and have been ever since. It was the best thing I did. I was able to regain my confidence, and chart a new path (although difficult) that would take me to where I am today.
Divorce was a shit show, and my WW tried her best along with her family to milk me for everything they could. Her AP was in her ear doing the same. And you know what, as hard as it was, I'm still here today, living proof that it will all turn out fine. I'm better than fine, I'm happy and living a great life.
After I instituted the 180 and NC, all my attention turned to my kids and working on myself. I went to counseling, read books, worked out, and spent my time improving my relationship with my kids. It was always great, but today, my relationship with my kids are even better. I have no doubt that they lean towards me and not their mom. They would much rather be with me and my girlfriend and have been told that they are just more comfortable with me, at their HOME. And for that I am very thankful.
I was also able to date some during my divorce b/c my exWW moved out a week after Dday. I am grateful that we did not have to do IHS, because that would have been difficult. At the time of my finalizing my divorce I found a wonderful women, who has taught me a ton. She is kind, loving, happy and most importantly, she is great to both myself and my kids. She has no children of her own, but she treats my kids like her own. I'd argue that she is a better mom than my exWW.
My exWW is still with her AP. My kids don't like him, but at least they know the true story of their beginnings. My exWW was one of the worst offenders. She snagged another married womens husband while the BS was 7 months pregnant. At the BS's weakest point, and my exWW took no mercy, took time away from them, met up with the AP the day after the child was born, and for that, I'm even more glad I'm away from this women.
If you've helped me along the way thank you. If you're new here, just know that people are trying to help you avoid the pitfalls of infidelity so that you don't make the same mistakes they did early in their own journey. Sometimes its harsh, but living with a cheater is worst. Stay for awhile, help yourself, and then help others. No one deserves to go through this alone. And you will make it to the other side, no matter what that other side is. YOU WILL BE OKAY. One day at a time.
