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Sorry, I need to vent this out and I figured some of you may know what I am going through.

Last night I told my WH that I was going to move out. I have been looking at apartments for a few weeks, and he knew that and also knew a few weeks ago that I wanted to leave. Not just because of the affair (DD 15 months ago), but because of how we weren't able to still communicate, and as the months wore on, he got more frustrated at me and angry at me (yelling really bad things and saying untrue things). He asked me for another chance 3 weeks ago after a horrible weekend of fighting (mostly him yelling at me). So started my plan to move on. He told me I had to tell the kids, and I did ask him not to tell his family until I talked to our children (18 and 21, the older one living 50 minutes away and I wanted to call her). he said okay, but that he was going to tell everyone else how he has been a perfect husband over the past year and that I still chose to leave him.

Well, last night when I told him, he was calm, but I knew from his body language he was frustrated and upset, he left the house and in the time he was gone, I got a bombardment of texts of how I could leave him now, how could I leave him when he finally decided that he wanted to be with me, and so forth. He also said some accusatory things that weren't true about how I planned this out for months and just led him on (even though we have been having really bad issues since January of this year, and he admitted to being an ass to me with his reactions if I even tried to talk about anything with him on a personal note).

He came back to the house and I went to the bedroom (he already said he would sleep in other room). Oh, he also texted me prior to coming home that I needed to leave the house now and that he was going to make it really bad on me if I don't go.

So he came to the bedroom and started yelling at me for wanting to leave him. I tried to not engage and was very quiet, (our 18 year old son was on main floor), his yelling got louder and louder and told me to leave the house or it was going to be bad. I told him (it was already after 9:00pm) that I would find a hotel the next day (today), but that I was sleeping here that night. He continued yelling at me that I was cold, heartless, and a sexless bitch. Which I know our son heard. I got him to leave the room and locked the door. He then went downstairs yelling to our son that "your mom is leaving me, ......and other things).

He actually came back up a few minutes later and tried to come in bedroom, he was knocking softly and in a calm voice asked me if he could come in for 2 minutes to talk to me. I was already on the phone with our daughter, telling her that I was moving out and things just didn't work out for us. He kept talking and talking I finally turned the television up louder and louder.

He finally stopped talking and was able to get the door unlocked. He tried sitting on the bed (surprisingly calmly) to talk to me, he said give him 2 min., he just doesn't understand after all this time why I am leaving now, that he had to take the time to realize he wanted to be with me. Well I have told him since January I wasn't happy with his reactions of cold shouldering me, getting angry with me, not willing to talk to me. and now The was angry because I said I was going to leave now, and what did I expect him to do? clap and say "yay". I told him to leave the room that I wasn't talking to him. I also told him I expected him to be an adult and not to start screaming horrible things at me when our son could hear it.

He finally left the room and slept somewhere else. Then this morning he started texting me again how I have lead him on for the past few months (he found some stuff on my computer from a divorce lawyer I consulted 15 months ago, and again talked to her about my rights and some other questions.... because He told me he wouldn't move out of our home back in February, and that I would have to be the one to move out)So I had a consult and didn't retain at the time, as silly me, I thought we could possibly reconcile even then.

So now I am at work (teaching, which I adore my students and they make me smile), I have gotten an apartment for the next few days (luckily start spring break tomorrow for a week).

My daughter called me to tell me that she supports me and I know from her texts last night she was worried about me, kept asking if I was safe and where dad was. She then said I should look for an apartment in her college town since both her and her brother will be in school there come august). She is such a caring, sweet woman.

I never got a chance to speak to my son, but texted him how sorry I was that he had to hear the screaming. He said he loved me and he has gotten good at not listening (which broke my heart).

WH doesn't even seem to contemplate how this affects our children. They both know he cheated on me and was "planning to leave me for her" because that was the truth and our son has heard a lot of screaming on WH part.

But today I actually feel stronger than ever that this is the best course of action for me.

[This message edited by thrown71 at 10:21 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

Sorry that you are going through this.

Please save all of these text messages as they could be helpful in your divorce for legal purposes... especially if he "gets worse." He's literally threatening you, although someone might argue that they are not "true threats."

The other thing to remember is that he feels like you are rejecting him. He doesn't remember that he is the cause of all of this.

The best approach is just to be a grey rock. Don't get angry. Don't respond. Just move out and start the process of moving on.

By the way, congratulations to you on making this difficult decision. I never had the courage or guts to do it.

Stay strong sister.

This is never easy. I unfortunately went the other way and stuck it out... something I truly regret at this point in my life. My WW behaved exactly as your WH did - just the level of entitlement to first cheat, and then behave in terrible ways as if they are the victim, not caring if the kids hear. Even years later when she tries to be the model spouse, I am just so uncomfortable and untrusting...not a healthy way to exist.

Your kids are older now...so I think you can think a bit more about your needs.

Just take care of yourself and be safe.

His emotional abuse is other level. All of his comments relate to how he feels, what he deserves, what you have done to poor him, how you are the offender. The three of you do not exist to him, do not have feelings or rights. You are merely props in his life. You cannot ever, EVER reconcile with someone like this. The fact that your kids are supporting you and worried for your safety means that he is obviously 100% unsafe as a partner and human being.

Get far, far away and go NC. I, too, am worried for your safety. I'm afraid his loss of control over you will send him to worse places. Does he need to know your new address? Your kids are older. Keep that info from him. Better to assume he is dangerous and protect yourself than to assume he will be ok and find your safety compromised.

Good luck.

He is toxic, and it is not just the cheating. Many WS are toxic AND they also cheated rather than just cheaters who turned toxic.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:01 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

SAVE EVERYTHING. His threats are scary. He’s so hot or cold.

Glad you are getting out. Stay strong- you deserve so much better. You are going to LOVE having peace and tranquillity when are you not with him.

You're kinder and more patient than me. I would have called the cops on his bully ass and had him arrested. Threats are NOT and NEVER will be ok. Maybe a few nights in jail would do him some good. Your husband an abuser.

Also if you can get your kids some counselling. They know a lot more than you think they do.

Please stay safe, you are worth so much more than this.

Ditto on save everything. He seems off-balance. By the way you write, you seem solid but with a hint of still justifying in your own heart how you are right in your actions and he is wrong.

Let me assure you, he is above and beyond a nutzo and you are quite clearly the innocent victim here, as you know in your mind. His keeping calm and then leaving to text is just wierd. His back and forth calm and yelling is unhinged. His calling you a sexless bitch is unforgivable, and doing it in a way your son could hear is unforgivable x 100.

I am so happy you are leaving! Your children sound AMAZING! A testament to you being a wonderful mother in spite of Mr. Lying Cheater. Good job Mom. You got the job done and now it's your turn to cherish your life.

Thanks everyone.

I know that this is the best course of action. I don't think that WH realizes what he has truly done or knows what he is doing when he gets mad, he is like another person, he never ever acted that way before, only since the affair. He texted me yesterday that he went back to IC and talked for 2 hours straight and she is helping him with his anger. I replied only "I hope she can help you". Then he responded back that I am welcome to come home.

I didn't respond to that. I don't think he "gets it" that I am moving on.