SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

H and I are a year and a half into R. Generally doing well, addressing issues, having hard conversations, not rugsweeping etc.
H's acting out shocked not only me but my siblings and the very few friends who know the details. Dday was in April 2020, after which time we separated for 6 months. Since reconciling we have spent time with my sibs and spouses, and 2 of my close female friends -- all of whom know the ugly details. They all obviously were happy to "follow my lead." We weren't doing much socializing any way because of pandemic. However, this eve we plan to have dinner with a couple to whom we have been close for more than 20 years. (Socialized a lot, traveled together etc) I've known both of them (in fact introduced them) longer than I've known H. She and I have been very close friends for more than 30 years. In the last year, he lost a son and she has had major health issues. I saw both of them a few times while H and I were separated. And I've seen her a few times since then. But this eve will be the first time post Dday that they have seen H. He wrote them an apology (voluntarily) months and months ago. (He did the same with my sibs.) But unlike sibs, couple friends responded only minimally. H was clearly disappointed. We 4 do have a plan for a weekend together in Sept. So I see this dinner this eve as a kind of necessary icebreaker before that. H asked me this am whether I thought he should address "the elephant in the room" at our dinner tonight. Mostly I'm thinking that that would be helpful for all of us. H is willing to do it. This particular female friend of mine had the angriest reaction to learning about H's betrayal. Said early on "He'll have a high wall to climb for me, that's for sure" though that was more than a year ago now. More recently she said to me "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed." and later..... "I haven't even thought about him. He'll do what he'll do. I have many more pressing concerns than him at the moment." That of course is true. I realize they will have to come to their own terms with H, just as I do. I can't fix this. If anyone can, it must be H. But it's quite possible that the damage (for them) is permanent, which makes me very sad.

Just reaching out here to see what experiences others in R have had along these lines. While I think acknowledging the elephant in the room would be helpful, I don't want to make friends more uncomfortable - or somehow make things worse.....

We have very close friends that knew we were having M “issues”. We never disclosed infidelity but we did tell them we have been on the brink of D and have worked our way out of it. I felt we needed to address it because everyone saw it.

They will already be uncomfortable. I think it’s healthy for your friendship to get it out there, stay away from details but tell them things are going so much better and H has been there through this process, making things right.

Let them say what’s on their mind then toast your friendship and enjoy the evening.

[This message edited by Tanner at 11:33 AM, August 14th (Saturday)]

Thanks for your feedback, Tanner. Just to let you know. The dinner with my friends went fine. When they took a breath (big talkers these two!) my husband started with "I just want to say how great it is to see you two......" Then they jumped right back in conversationally, maybe because that's what they do or maybe because they wanted to head off any talking about "it." I dunno. Later my H said, I was ready and started to talk about it, but they pre-empted me. Any way the rest of the conversational back and forth over dinner seemed pretty relaxed and ok. It's possible that the subject will come up when we are all away together in September, we'll see. I'm feeling relieved (and so is H) to at least have the ice broken with them. I suspect the way it will go in the future is like someone one here on SI mentioned in regard to her family. "They don't like him as much as they used to, but they've been nothing but gracious to him as we have reconciled." Anything more than that will take time, just like it will for me. But, as has been pointed out to me, they have less invested in the relationship with H than I do - 20 years of marriage, 30 years together - we're now both in our early 70s. I regret not doing as you did at the outset - telling friends and family vaguely that we "were having issues." But I was so distraught, stunned, shockt on discovery - plus we physically separately for 6 months - that I couldn't not tell those closest to me the details - doubting at the time - that R would be possible.

Glad it went well, at least the initial awkwardness is behind y’all. Sounds like they are going to follow your lead on it.

From my experience, as long as the WS is putting in the work and is good to the BS, friends and family will be just fine. If you're healthy and happy, they'll be happy.