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I was reading the novel Circe, and this quote appears when she first experiences love. It motivates her to plead for help from someone else so she can see her love again. It is an insightful quote, I think. We can sort of replace "young" with just "inexperienced". Or we can think "when we feel a feeling for the first time, we think we are the first person to have that feeling in the world."

I think this is an interesting jumping off point into two different bits of infidelity. The first I think is the feelings of a BS following their first d-day. The second I think is the feelings of a WS slipping into their first A.

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Starting with the BS, I'm going to pull another quote from another book. The experience is described in East of Eden for a different situation but I think the description is very applicable. Feel free to replace child with "faithful spouse" and adult with "WS".

"When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing."

There are plenty of BS's on this forum, and I think we all remember, but perhaps not with clarity, the pain and devastation of dday-1. It's a new feeling. One we had not really prepared for. One that perhaps we had read about but we are feeling for the first time. This makes dealing with this new feeling extremely hard. We are in panic, confused, and having a hard time getting or accepting guidance. This is mostly just a reflection of what feelings we went through. Our betrayal is the most painful betrayal because it's ours.

Maybe it doesn't help any of us to recognize this now, but we need to remember the newly betrayed spouses feel this is a pain no one has had before. So when we give advice in JFO, we should try to transport ourselves back to that time, to our panic, our being torn in half, and to think about what sorts of things we can say to help. I think validating this new feeling of pain and betrayal, and just helping them describe it makes it seem somewhat less apocalyptic. I dday, I remember telling a friend my life had just gone, "Somewhere between burned into ashes and nuked into glass".

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For the WS entering into their first A, especially via the slow ramp of acquaintance -> EA -> PA. I think there is a blossoming of "new feelings" that override the normal decision making process. In "Not Just Friends" my wife most identified with Ralph. For those of you that haven't read the book, Ralph thinks he is special. Ralph thinks he can manage his newfound feelings for a attractive and interesting coworker without slipping into an affair. While we do see the boundaries slowly eroding, and we talk about "ego kibbles" I think for those that aren't serial cheaters, the new feeling of validation, of reciprocated attraction, of emotional vulnerability with "a friend" drive a lot of the decisions. It feels right and good, and so then they decide that it can't be wrong. We see the same justification of "soul mates" or "no one ever made me feel like this before". I think maybe the operative word in that sentence is "me". Many people have felt that feeling. It isn't particularly special, but it feels like it is. Not because it is special, but because they simply lack the experience of positive attention from someone they naturally bonded with outside their main relationship.

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I don't have a hugely powerful insight or upshot here. More of just a reflection on feelings strong feelings for the first time, and how they are hard to manage well. Thought I would share.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:47 PM, Wednesday, April 6th]

I think these quotes are very very apt for the experience of both the betrayed and betrayer. I distinctly remember feeling like the floor was gone. I knew my ex wasn't the nicest person but that's something I never thought he would do. Now that the floor was gone, I didn't know what else he was capable of. Maybe he might kill me, I didn't know. Anything was suddenly possible because the impossible already happened.

That was a gorgeous book. I keep checking to see if she has written anything more than that and The Song of Achilles. I recommend the heck out of that one too.

But yeah, those quotes definitely do relate to a lot of human experience. I think we all read others relating our past feelings in JFO. They're pretty universal. Regardless of what decisions a BS makes or what they want in the aftermath, the feelings and the all-consuming trauma are all pretty much the same.

I’ve been meaning to read Circe and The Song of Achilles but haven’t gotten to it yet. East if Eden is wonderful.

My husband also related the most to Ralph when we read Not Just Friends. It’s a good book.

This is a pretty cool post...thank you for sharing .

I rarely go into the "Just Found Out" Forum anymore. I can remember the feeling of Dday...but I don't FEEL it anymore...and I can't seem to relate to be able to help anyone in that Forum. I am so thankful for those that do go there though to HELP those whose pain is so RAW.

I do feel the same about my H not shining anymore. I can remember when I didn't shine so bright in my H's eyes either. We are both a little less shiny...but we can still cause sparks with each other .

Not because it is special, but because they simply lack the experience of positive attention from someone they naturally bonded with outside their main relationship.

Yep. It's a FAKE attention though...and when the reality was thrust upon my H...he got embarrassed. He freely admitted to USING the adultery co-conspirator on Dday. When he saw from her reply to his NC message the next day...in HER words...that she USED him too...that "positive attention" he felt during his A was then morphed into "predatory attention". It was NOT special at all...and he couldn't believe she was fooling him...even though HE was fooling her the whole time too .