SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We decided to reconcile, things were going well.

I’m really struggling with anxiety and raised it this week, it’s coming up to the trickle of when I became suspicious. I texted him " I’m feeling really anxious about our relationship and us at the moment. It’s that time of year and feel we need to talk things through" no response so I raised it last night. His response threw me "I’m not sure what to say". I left it at that as I wasn’t sure how to respond.

Any advice?

You have anxiety, told your husband you are struggling and he ignored it?

What would you tell any of your friends if they told you they struggled with mental/emotional health one day, reached out to their husbands and got ignored?

What did your WH do to grow and change in order to prove he’s a different man?

What he did, ignoring your anxiety and struggles, is a massive red flag, a sign of conflict avoidance (omg if I reply she’ll want to talk about the affair and that makes me feel bad) which is a huge ingredient of affairs, I would be extremely triggered if my WH would react like that mainly because I’d feel like he hasn’t identified and addressed this trait.

Thank you

I really did think it’s me. We haven’t spoken about things in over a year just sort of plodding along.

The anxiety is so bad I can feel panic attacks brewing. I never suffered anxiety before this. I had counselling, it helped a little then they sent me on my way.

[This message edited by Justkeepgoing26 at 10:49 PM, Friday, October 28th]

Hi there,

I don't have any answers but wanted to reach out as I feel the same after 13 months. Friends have told me, and my WH has intimated, that if I keep talking about it it will end my marriage. I feel completely stuck. I seem to have gone backwards and so I am wondering if it is my age. I feel I have lost myself. I don't think this will help you but wanted you to know that you are not alone and I am also in the UK.

Thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry you are in the same situation, it’s a very bizarre place as I felt things were going really well until this last week. I’m along the south coast of the uk. Are you local?

I am in the South East so probably not far. I am so tired of it all as there is no choice, that I can see,leading to happiness. He just wants me to be over it. I go through phases of telling him what I need but then get scared that I will chase him away. I think I need to be braver and stand up for myself.

I’m south east too!

I’m the same I have given him the benefit of doubt the last few years. He started off ok now it’s just being ignored it took him over 60 hours to reply to me and that was just to say he doesn’t know what to say. I mean it’s not my job to make the marriage work

I am in Kent. He sounds like my WH. I have read a lot about it and apparently people who have affairs have issues which make helping a betrayed partner heal harder. I guess if my WH could go and have sex with a colleague for a year in a hotel and come home to me he is not good at dealing with issues! Maybe we need to be posting on the Wayward board to ask advice from people who have strayed? I even bore myself thinking about this!

Another wave from the UK, London area.

Maybe we need to be posting on the Wayward board to ask advice from people who have strayed?

You are not allowed to post in the Wayward forum but there is the "I can relate" forum where you can ask WSes questions.

I can’t say I hold the magic crystal ball, all I can say is that I totally did not subscribe to "don’t talk about it" argument as it was, for me, unnatural. I don’t believe that you would get that advice with any other traumatic event. Don’t talk about loss of a parent. Don’t talk about a child loss. “Don’t talk about it” is the narrative cheaters impose because they don’t want to feel bad.

There are a few things that have been really important to me through the healing (our marriage) process: evidence of my WH actively working on identifying what he was lacking which enabled him to betray the person he loved and drop his morals. I think another poster here explained it better (it may have been ChamomileTea), there is something fundamentally wrong with cheaters’ morals when there is an exception to them. You know, I am faithful, truthful, trustworthy and loyal to my spouse except when….

Morals aren’t a pick and choose situation. You’re either a trustworthy person or you’re not. You’re either the faithful one or you aren’t. So why did your WHs decide there was a little asterisk next to their morals?

The next part is what enabled them to act that way. Was it poor boundaries? Was it a sense of entitlement? Was it conflict avoidance? (Most WSes display all these).

And finally once they discovered all that, their whys, can they constantly display evidence that they have changed? Do they have boundaries in place now? Do they address conflict rather than avoid it? Do they act with gratitude rather than always feeling entitled to more? Do they display empathy? Support? Are they engaged and constantly investing in the marriage?

All of the above cannot be achieved without talking about it. Funnily enough we still talk about it 5 years later. No, not about the actual details. Not about the actual affair. That was done to death for about 3 years.

We talk about certain linked acknowledgments. For example I would mention the fact that that traumatic event changed who I am, I do that without fearing he’ll feel attacked that I mention it. He would suddenly say he loves our life and he is appreciative that we’re still together.

I hope this makes sense. I would say one more thing, you cannot force a WS into changing and being remorseful and supportive of your healing and fixing the marriage. But you can decide what your line in the sand is, for me tiptoeing around my WH’s affair and not talking about it in case we may divorce because it is upsetting him wasn’t something I was willing to accept.

And that text response “I don’t deserve you and I’m sorry blah blah” that a pity party meant to make you feel sorry for him. How did it get back to poor WH again? Where is his empathy? Where is his “I’m sorry, I should have done better, I’ve failed you, please tell me what you need from me?”

[This message edited by Luna10 at 3:28 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

But you can decide what your line in the sand is, for me tiptoeing around my WH’s affair and not talking about it in case we may divorce because it is upsetting him wasn’t something I was willing to accept.

That is so very true and something I need to address.

Gently, if my W told me that, I wouldn't know what to say, either. Your H's response to you might show he's not fully committed to R, but it might just be normal for some portion of humanity.

What response do you want? Is your H traveling, or is he accessible face-to-face? Can you talk by phone? I don't see how texting can be very productive when emotional support is required.

When I don't respond the way my W wants me to, she often tells me what she wants to hear. When I say the words, she takes comfort, even though she had to tell me exactly what to say. I recommend trying out that approach to see if it helps you.

I'm sorry you're anxious, and I hope you find a way through your anxiety quickly.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard when you do not get what you need to hear. It took a while for my FWH to get it. We did not do much communicating through text...keeping in mind we send and read in the mood we are in. When I needed to talk, I would tell him, I needed to talk. We would sit facing each other and typically would touch in one way or another. When one got upset, anxious, etc...we would tend to move and withdraw, but that was also the cue to the other person that we were having a problem.

I needed my FWH to acknowledge that he permanently changed our M. I needed him to apologize for what he did and try to support me however I needed. 13 years later, he still occasionally apologizes on his own. Not speaking about it in over 1 year can end up rug sweeping and avoidance behavior. I strongly recommend some time to sit down together and talk. What do you need? Remorse is certainly a common theme...and with what you said, I wonder if your WH has remorse or regret.

I did not fully decide to stay in my M until after 5 years. I needed to see active action on his part to help me heal and figure out what broke for him. Having triggers are normal and him ignoring them is not acceptable. He caused this...if you stay together he has to walk the journey with you.

You might consider IC if you have not done that. I found that helped me the most in making decisions I needed to make. Hang in there.