SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there,

I’ve been reading a lot of stories on here and am looking for advice and assurance really.

I did post in JFO a couple of months back but didn’t get a huge response. I am going to post in a bit more detail what happened, which is still very difficult for me to even write down. I am looking to stay with my husband so I hope to receive ‘divorce him’ messages…

In November last year, my husband admitted to having a ONS a couple of weeks before our wedding in May 2022. This was with a co-worker. The reason he admitted it was because she had messaged him a few weeks later, when we returned from honeymoon, to say she had tested positive for chlamydia. My husband and I ALWAYS used condoms. He panicked (as you would!) and took anti-biotics without ever testing to find out he initially had it. He then tested and was negative.

In November, he admitted to all this because he thought I had caught it and given it back to him. I tested negative and we now know he has other problems unrelated to this.

As you can imagine, this was incredibly shocking to me. We have been together for over 8 years. My world was turned upside and I had only been married for 7 months.

After the initial shock, he answered all my questions. This was so out of his character. The night in question he was drunk (he had drunk two bottles of wine and had several whiskies). He was staying in his brothers house looking after their cat and he’d invited a bunch of colleagues round for drinks. He worked in a restaurant and they had all finished late. This was a ‘leaving drinks’ for him, because he was starting a new 9-5 job once we returned from honeymoon. It was a 20 minute interaction. No passion. I believe every word he says. I’ve never seen a look on his face like I did when he told me.

There are a few factors from his side which I want to list as to what I think could be a root cause:
- We never saw each other regularly even though we lived together, purely because of our jobs
- We had little to no sex life. Which for 29/30 year olds, is crazy.
- He had only ever slept with me.
- His childhood friend committed suicide a few months before this which affected him deeply
- His parents separated when he was a teen and he never really wanted to get married. He did that because I wanted it. He’s done this at a time where was a huge commitment coming and there was a lot of pressure from me for everything to be perfect.

This is a few things. He has NEVER used anything as an excuse. He has taken 100% blame and never placed any on me. I feel from my side, I have a few things which could have pushed him:
- I was constantly nagging at him for something. I make more money than he does and come from a more privileged family.
- I was always the one ‘too tired’ for sex
- I was, and still an, quite controlling. I have anxiety about a lot of things and I have to have things done my way.

I know that no matter how ‘bad’ a partner I was, I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I know I could have been a better partner. I could have put more effort into our relationship, but so could he.

Now, something else I have admitted to him since. I had a ONS on a girls trip right back at the start of our dating. I’d known him about 8 weeks and we weren’t official yet. I also had a night out in August 2021 where I met someone I was attracted to and flirted with all night. I walked half way back to this man’s house before my friend stopped me and forced me into a taxi. This man found me on social media and I messaged him back whilst still drunk. I woke up the next morning absolutely full of regret. There was nothing physical, no kissing, but I’ll never know what I could have done had my friend not stopped me. I call this my ‘almost’ night. It was at a time me and my husband were barely seeing each other, I wasn’t getting any attention off him and I didn’t feel wanted.

We want to stay together. We love each other very much. Both of us have made bad decisions - his being the worst of all. He cut all ties with this person back after it happened. I believe he has been honest with me now about everything. As I say, it’s so unbelievably out of his character. I genuinely believe he was caught in a stupid, drunk moment that has had horrific consequences. He has done everything right since - he’s reading ‘Not Just Friends’. He is open and honest and we have had some very good moments since DDay. We are looking at counselling, but right now it unfortunately is a money thing. The only person who knows about our situation is his mother - who is a counsellor herself so has been very supportive to us both. I can’t bring myself to tell any family or friends because I don’t want the humiliation and their opinion to change of him.

I’m not sure what kind of response I’m looking for. I suppose if people think we have a chance at recovery? This is quite obviously not how I hoped my first year of marriage went. If I’m TRULY honest with myself - had we carried on the same as we were before I found out - I honestly don’t think our marriage would have survived the long haul. I have said to myself several times - well if it hadn’t have been him, would it have been me?? We’ll never know.

I have a lot of angry days and my god does he take the ‘punches’. I’ve said a lot of nasty things recently, and he has taken them all and I do believe he is trying to improve as a person.

The 1 year anniversary of that night is in a few weeks. My wedding anniversary is the first week in May. It’s going to be a very difficult time for me, I think. I want to celebrate - almost as a wipe the slate clean and start again…

Any words of advice are much appreciated. I almost feel guilty writing this because I know a lot of you are going through much, much worse than a ONS. Thank you for taking the time to read if you have!

Don't wipe the slate clean. That's rugsweeping. It is impossible to just have a clean slate after infidelity.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

It seems you've done a lot of digging,and thinking about his "why." What has he done?

Also..this..

she had tested positive for chlamydia. My husband and I ALWAYS used condoms. He panicked (as you would!) and took anti-biotics without ever testing to find out he initially had it

Makes no sense. I've worked in a doctor's office. They don't just hand out antibiotics without testing for an infection. And antibiotics arent available over the counter. So it sounds like he was tested,and he was positive,and after taking the meds,he then tested negative.

You can recover. But it takes a lot of work. The reconciliation process takes years.

When I look at your first thread I don’t see anyone suggesting your divorce as the only or best option. In fact I see people (me included) tell you that you two need to treat this with the seriousness is deserves.
I suggested the following:

I encourage you two to get couples counseling. Only don’t make it about his affair. Don’t make it about what you did or how you allowed the relationship to some place where he decided to cheat. Make it about you two finding a common goal and destination. Make it about you two having great communications. Make it about you two having a financial plan, a family plan, a strategy for how to keep your romance alive, a trust so you don’t fear asking him anything at any time. Make it about how to improve your relationship, rather than making it be about how best to keep his middle-limb in his pants.

Have you two done any of the above?

Hi Hellfire & Bigger,

Sorry I don’t know how to do quotes…

In regard to the anti-biotics - in the UK, you can order most things from an online pharmacy. He has no reason to lie about this - he genuinely didn’t know if he had it or not.

Bigger - I thought because I’d left out the info about the STD, I might get the divorce comments as some may find that unforgivable that he kept that from me. I know it’s unacceptable and I have struggled with the thought of him putting my health at risk. I couldn’t bring myself to even type that part down at the point of my first post as it was still too painful to accept. At this point, I have no choice other than to accept it happened and do what I can to move on from it.

We have tried to do what you’ve suggested. We have spoke about future goals. What I am struggling with is the anger I have. One day we are fine, and the next I can’t even bring myself to look at him.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurances that we can get through it. Maybe from someone in a similar situation with a ONS infidelity.

Bookworm14, why does it bother you that he did what he did, if it was out of character and you know he won’t do it again?

I’m not saying it shouldn’t bother you. Of course it does. It would (and has) bother all of us here. I’m asking you to consider why it bothers you. It’s a deep question.

You can get antibiotics from a feed store if you know what you're doing, so it's possible that he self-treated and didn't take the right type of antibiotic to treat chlamydia.

It's also possible that he's not being truthful about the timeline.

I want to celebrate - almost as a wipe the slate clean and start again…

It's too soon for that, IMO. I recommend IC for both of you, then maybe some marriage counseling, a couple of years of hard work and recovery, and THEN you can start again if things go well. Y'all have got to get right with yourselves first, then right with each other, and then you can commit to one another.

Right now, both of you need help. Both of you have some serious issues. You want to heal, and you want to reconcile. I assure you it's totally possible. There are a lot of people who have gone through far worse and yet were able to successfully reconcile. My suggestion would be to not be hasty. Clean slate at the stage is basically rugsweeping, which is nothing but to go back to your old marriage without addressing the underlying issues. Do you want that old marriage? Do you want to live in fear of these underlying issues consuming both of you again? I hope the answer is no.
1. Cheaters lie. So, it's possible that your husband too might be lying. So, ask him to write a timeline of events and cross verify them over and over until you feel confident that you have maximum truth. You can reconcile only when you the whole or maximum truth.
2. Is her AP married? If she is married, then you should inform the obs about her ONS with your husband. His health is at risk here. It will also help you verify all the things your husband confessed.
3. Both of you need to visit IC asap.
4. You are hurt. So, your angry outbursts are pretty understandable and normal. Just make sure they don't turn into abuse.
5. All the things you said about yourself - nagging, controlling, etc. Did you come to this conclusion through self introspection, or did your WH describe you this way while answering you 'why' he betrayed you? Cheaters tend to victimize themselves and rewrite their martial stories, demonizing their partner. So, which one is it?
6. Only honest communication and active efforts can save your marriage. So, always emphasize communication and actions.
7. Is your husband remorseful or regretful? You should choose to reconcile only when he is remorseful. Admitting is different from owning it. Regretful people ADMIT to having committed offense. But only remorseful people OWN their offense and do everything it takes to become safer partner. Do you think he owns it?

Please, don't rush. Take a pause in your marriage. Give yourself time to process everything, and opt to reconcile only when you see your partner becoming a safer partner.

Thank you for your replies, they have been really helpful to me.

I do believe I have the whole truth. It’s been discussed many, many times and the story has never changed and I have never once felt like he is hiding something else. I see it as this - he told me he thought he had given me an STD. To me, with his situation, it literally cannot get worse than that. He fully expected me to leave him because he thinks what he has done is unforgivable. I can see how remorseful he is and he is absolutely taking steps to change.

Personally, I don’t feel like I have rugswept. I think I worded it wrong there. I have in no way ignored what he has done but I know we need to work through it.

The things I said about myself were thought of by me. He has never once used anything as an excuse. He tells me constantly that there will never be a reason he could give me that will justify his actions. He tells me sorry will never be good enough and what he can do is try to be a better man. I truly believe he wants to improve and I have seen aspects of this happening already.

I have told him that I do not want to be married to the same person he was and that if I don’t see improvement in our relationship, I will leave. I know I need to work on myself too. I see the steps he is taking, the time he is giving to me and he is putting me first. Yes, there have been occasions since admitting it where I’ve felt he’s been selfish, but we speak so much more openly and he understands.

I know so many people on this site are going through much worse, and I can’t imagine how unbelievably difficult it must be. In some really strange way, I feel like I have an opportunity to really improve my marriage.

Thank you again

When I read your post I feel that you have a problem that you are well positioned to fix.

Some things

1. Ensure He is absolutely and utterly truthful. If either of you are being less than truthful you’re building your marriage on lies, and it will not be the marriage you want. There is a mantra here that cheaters lie. In most cases it’s very true. You both need to build trust in each other.

2. Make an agreement on how you both will behave. This should cover when you are together and when you are not, E.g. no flirting with others, no being alone with a female that is not me (alcohol and partying). You also need to decide what the ongoing interaction with this girl will be. I have one comment on his being drunk that is an excuse and he knows it and I hope you do too. being drunk means we lose our inhibitions and do what we really want and there was likely something there for that girl to be interested.

Frankly, this is a really good time to decide if this is a marriage that you both want. No half measures. If you both truly want this, you will have to work really really hard but it could be really really worth it. I truly wish we had done some of this at the beginning when we were having problem.

Here is the gist, you have an opportunity to stay or go before it becomes too costly. Make the right decision now because when you have invested multiple years and I’m not talking three or four I’m talking 10, 20 + and three children, the cost of divorce is extreme. do what right is right for both of you now.

This is your life you are deciding.

I know you are not looking for "get a divorce" comments but I would use this as a good opportunity to evaluate your marriage and your life. Trust me this comes from a good place, I look 20 yrs back and ignored many red flags : I did not want a divorce.

The things that stand out from your post is that there are fundamental ideological differences related to marriage and career goals. They will most likely persist and lead to problems similar to the one you are encountering. He will feel inferior because he does not meet your idea of success and also trapped because he does not believe in marriage. He will never meet your standards and this cheating is another step down for him. These are not justifications for cheating btw. You are also allowed to have expectations from your partner but it’s no point keeping those expectations from someone that may not be capable of fulfilling them.

I do see the reasons you list for his "slip up" , which may be true but don’t use them as justifications for what he did. Are you sure there were no similar instances in the past?

This is a good time to get a good MC and outline what you want going forward. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses early than invest your emotions in someone that is not capable of reciprocating. You will do yourself and him a favor and also find an opportunity to find someone a bit more aligned to your life goals.

That said, it’s your marriage and you should do what you think is best. Make sure the affair is addressed, find out the truth, set boundaries and get help and support wherever needed for both of you. No one is going to judge you for staying ( guess what I am still "married" ). Take care.