SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone long time no post!

It has almost been two years since my husband’s affair and I feel absolutely crazy. Just last weekend I had a moment and I was telling him how much I couldn’t stand him and this weekend I’m sitting here thinking about planning our anniversary weekend.

Other than this stuff with our son and his upcoming surgery, things have been good. They have been real good. I don’t think there’s anything else that I would change about our relationship minus obviously going back in time, but I just feel almost lost now. Like when I go to ask questions like I used to I just kind of sit there and think these aren’t even gonna do anything anymore , they’re not worth asking. I don’t know if I’m at a new realization or if I’m hitting the plane of lethal flatness's or what is going on, but I just feel WEIRD, like really weird. He has changed so much and I feel like I’m still stuck on this time loop. I don’t have any new questions to ask or anything that’s probing . I’m just asking the same stupid stuff over and over. I’m starting to feel like I’m going crazy again.

He’s been patient and always answers my questions and never gets mad at me when I lose my temper, obviously he gets upset, but I’m just kind of sick of myself at this point does that make sense? I’ve been journaling a lot lately, there’s other stuff that’s going on my life that is bothering me with other family members and I’m wondering if I’m just not taking it out on him, but I really wish this roller coaster would stop. I literally feel like vomiting. I feel like people just think I should get over it even my daughter has admitted to my niece that she wishes I would just stop being upset by it and get over it although she is 11 and she doesn’t know the specifics. I almost feel like I’m the bad guy now and he’s just everybody’s favorite because he’s changed so much and he’s learned such a hard lesson and here I am and just traumatized still and feel like a child that needs reassurance and then the next minute I am miss independent and I’m upset with him .

As I’m sitting here typing this right now, I’m already thinking about like what I could ask him to make me feel better or what I could get him to tell me I just don’t know if I’m trying to find a fix still even after two years like I’m just trying to find a way to make this go away?

Just needed to get this out , I have been really busy lately with having four kids but today I found a little bit of time and figured I would try to get a little bit of advice on here or even just relatable stories !

You're not crazy - you've been traumatized. I ride the same damn roller coaster as well. My WW has been great the last 6 months - and it feels like she has turned a corner. Maybe her fog finally lifted. But she's reading, journaling, listening to podcasts, IC etc. She is doing the work. I can feel better for weeks at a time and really take in the joy of what is around me. But, like you it can hit like a ton of bricks. I'm trying to figure it out myself. Maybe it's unmet (and unspoken) needs, maybe it's the brain cycling back for the reassurance to make sure we are safe. Maybe you need a bit more time throughout the day to sit and breathe and think of what you need. I go on walks and have really dug going on hikes through the forest trails around here. Just my footsteps and nature sounds are cathartic for me. I'm addicted to the gym as well. Nothing like working out the piss and vinegar through weights.

Give yourself grace. We all understand that this can take much more than a couple years.

It has almost been two years...

I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you still have a long way to go.

At two years out, I was exhausted... physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and everythingelselly.

I’m just kind of sick of myself at this point does that make sense?

Yes, it does. I write this often because I believe it's incredibly important: focus on you, your recovery and healing.

It takes most people years to heal from severe trauma. There are no shortcuts, no magic elixirs, no Hogswarts spells. There is only effort and time.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. Your WH can't make you happy or bring you solace. It must come from within.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Find things that bring you joy. Forget about reconciliation and your wayward spouse for a while. Forget about marriage, anniversaries, future plans and the shit storm that infidelity brings.

Focus on you.

I urge you to look deeper into what you want. It took me a long time to realize I asked questions when I really wanted to discuss or share what I was thinking and feeling ... or find out what my W was thinking and feeling.

Also, 2 years was a strange time for me. I believe it's hard to fake R for 2 years, so I had rebuilt a lot of trust for my W ... but many WSes didn't last 5 years.... It was hard to relax about the A, even though, in retrospect, I could have made my life easier if I had relaxed ... but I didn't know that when I needed to.... Crazy-making to be sure, even without an injured child.

Best wishes to your son and to your whole family.