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So my final session of IC has taken place and I'm now left alone once again, I now have to see how the skills learnt can now help..

One thing I discussed was my reaction to my BS and why I've previously knee jerked and lied or have had the reactions I've had to certain events.

Her response (she is a clinical psychologist) was that I am suffering from trauma and that I am depressed which results in me retreating into my safe space and going to a comfy place where I am trying to control the situation (i am in a job where I have to be in control and take the reigns often with life and death consequences) I've really struggled to recall recently anything to do with the affair, and I'm talking anything. My BS still wants me to bring her anything which I can recall but it's as I say a real struggle as I simply can't allow my brain to reach that point.

Several weeks ago this wasn't a problem and I found myself in a good place but then two horrific incidents (hanging in front of me and a fatal road accident first on and doing cpr) resulted in me having a total memory loss which I'm struggling to really regain I believe due to the amount of anxiety I feel at home right now.

I have always shunned meds because of the side effects and how they may leave me feeling, so I have discovered a machine called Flow and just wondered if anyine has any experience in then.... They aren't cheap but they don't have negative side effects and frankly that Can only be a good thing.

Also has anyone else any tips that may help with recall. My IC and I really focused on my responses and how to deal with certain situations at home.... Never managed to get around to the recall aspect

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 11:56 PM, Wednesday, July 16th]

Why are you at the final session with IC? Is it a financial issue?

I can’t imagine having that kind of job. I hope your employer could extend IC to help you deal with on the job trauma and the things your brain does to deal with it.

I did not have memory issues and I don’t feel qualified to offer specific advice, but I believe the brain works hard to protect itself, so perhaps your memory would do better if you didn’t think sharing the memories would have outsized consequences (which is of course not true - your wife may decide to leave or may be profoundly hurt). Perhaps a different route would be to know that the truth is the only firm foundation for a life with living - if you believed that with all your heart, you would chase the truth down using everything at your disposal.

I don’t have great answers for this particular problem - I hope someone else comes along with better ones.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:52 AM, Saturday, July 19th]

My understanding is that dissociating to some degree is common with affairs, for both partners. One idea is to work on a timeline document with your BS. She can add things that you've told her but have forgotten, and you can add new things whenever you remember something. Over time you'll build up a picture together.

Speaking from experience, as your anxiety decreases, your ability to recall will probably recover. So decreasing anxiety is something you can work on. Learn more about dissociation and PTSD, like what you can do to help with dissociative amnesia. Practicing mindfulness and acceptance ("I don't need to change these emotions that I'm feeling") seem silly, but they can have a big effect over the long term. Similarly, small things like gratitude can help to shift depression. Hobbies, friendships, getting involved in a community.

It sounds like your job is also traumatic and adds to your stress. Maybe either problem was "manageable" by itself, but they add up to tip you over the edge. Have you checked whether your HR offers debriefing or counselling services for employees? Alternatively, perhaps there is a non-profit in the area that runs debriefing / depression / trauma support groups. If all else fails, could you start a debriefing practice for yourself? See if you can find a script to adapt, but basically you're thinking through the strategies you used: what worked, what didn't, what lessons you can take from this, what you might do differently in future, and how you can take care of yourself now.

For me, one of the challenges with infidelity has been simultaneously working on recovery and having patience for things to take the time they need. Focus on the things your can control: being there for your BS, working on yourself, coping with the knee jerk reactions, dealing with the trauma and depression. The memories are out of your direct control for now, and there you (both) will need patience. As you walk the road, new routes open up. Hang in there!