SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (23F) and my WS(32M) went through a very rough patch a single month after our wedding. D-Day was 10/23/2022. I got suspicious of things and texted WS ex to see if something was going on. I had asked they not communicate cause something felt off between them. I’m not the jealous type, he loved his exs child like his own and i understood. But when messages turned up missing i explained my emotions and asked NC begin.

Found out, emails, snapchats, tiktok chats were happening behind my back. Photos and videos shared. Money being spent to buy photos. A whole slew of things. It hurt me. Majorly. I wasn’t sure what to do. We separated for a month before we decided to wipe the slate clean and try again. I told him for it to work, i needed to know everything.

WS gave me small details. Story changing often. With AP being from the state WS is from, they made 1 opportunity to see each other when we were on a family vacation.

I asked about that night. WS said that he went there, saw her through the fence gate and left. Later changing it to they had talked for 5 minutes then he left. Then again changed it to they had a beer, he was there for 30-45 minutes. But swears nothing physical ever happened.

When pushed for more information I was told "You’re just hurting yourself, please stop asking." or "All it does is hurt you, i’ve told you everything i remember"

3 years later, a couple of mess ups that i have found since then. And I still am trying to amend things. Feel better.

I tell everyone we reconciled, and we did for the most part. But i’m unsure if my mind really gave everything back in or if my heart did. I fear that truths were kept from me. Do I truly need the full truth to continue? Or if i get a full or different truth, I’m scared reconciliation won’t be able to happen, because it’ll break me completely.

All of the experts recommend for the WS to tell the full truth of whatever the BS wants to know about the infidelity. They say that that gives the couple the best chance of reconciliation… Straightforward enough.

What is less straightforward is a) whether your WH is willing to tell you the full truth, and b) whether you can accept it if and move on from it if he refuses.

You might direct him to many of the resources here for waywards that explains the importance of 100% honesty and transparency about their transgressions, and why that’s so important for their BS’ recoveries. It will most likely feel like another D-Day if he does, and yes, you will feel greater hurt, at least temporarily, and the fallout will suck for the both of you. But if that’s something you need to fully recover from the betrayal, then I think it’s worth it. He needs to understand that unfortunately, his actions have long-reaching consequences, and he needs to face up to them.

I also think that if he’s unable to tell you the full truth of the matter, then he’s probably unable to be honest about it with himself… I know in my case, before D-Day, I completely wiped all memory of any previous instances of my infidelity from my mind. It just ceased to exist for me, until my husband asked me to tell him EVERYTHING (and even then, I struggled to recall it all.) But it was really important for my recovery process to closely examine those instances for the common factors and circumstances that allowed me to commit infidelity, so I could work on fixing my internal issues as well as become aware of any warning signs that I’m at greater risk of doing it again. If your WH has had relapses, then this is probably something that would help him as well.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 3:15 PM, Tuesday, November 11th]

3 years later, a couple of mess ups that i have found since then. And I still am trying to amend things.

What are the couple of mess ups that you found later?

And yes, you deserve the truth. As much as you want to know. You cannot forgive or reconcile when you don't know what it is you're being asked to forgive or reconcile.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this so soon after your marriage. And I believe he’s manipulating you because he doesn’t see the need to be honest.

At this point it doesn’t matter what he says. Listen to your gut!

And your gut is SCREAMING that he’s lying to you. And he did cheat. Both physically and emotionally and mentally. He’s been cheating for sometime - and he’s expecting you to "forget it" or "overlook" it.

He’s been emotionally invested in the Ex and using the child as the excuse. You know he could remain in the child’s life in a number of ways - without crossing boundaries or going behind your back.

You are "reconciled" but he’s not making you a priority or doing everything possible to make amends or be truthful. This you are physically together but your own mind has doubts. And you should.

You can ask him for the truth and he can continue to choose to lie. You know that if they saw each other (as he said) and had a beer there is much more to it. And it’s possible it is still ongoing (even now).

My suggestion is that you find a counselor who can support you and help you figure out whether you should remain married to a guy who stomps all over your feelings just 1 month (and most likely before) after you have married.

You should be in the honeymoon stage right after getting married. Instead you are miserable and upset. Not the best start.

Just know you deserve better.

I’m new to this site and I’m still learning how to use it, so bear with me please.

The couple of mess ups i had found since then were while i was pregnant with our third child. I found he was still accessing her special pictures through her reddit platform. I found out while i was pregnant and then another time soon after our daughter was born.

Why/how did the relationship between WS and his ex end?

You can't really be reconciled if you dont know the truth and or the behaviour is continuing.

I thought we reconciled 2014-2018. After much trickle truth up to 2017. I thoughtI knew it all. I didnt and what he hid stopped it from being true reconciliation. And he started again leaving to am even worse blow up and me having to restart all over again examining everything going back to 2001.

So if you didn't get full truth and he sounds like he isn't willing to share if he tells you ti stop asking because or will only hurt your - that means there's more. And, if there are a few "slip ups" that you know about theres likely more. He isn't ready to reconciled until he comes clean and unfortunately until then you aren't in true reconciliation.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.