SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Going to share my observations from the last 3 years. This is not a rant but more of an exhale and learning how to breathe again.
I will give a little backstory. My wife's LTA lasted 15 years and very few people know about it and that includes our grown children. I choose to stay and fight for our marriage as I knew we still had a good foundation to build from even after 15 years of deception. I know that 90% of people see that 15 years and think, no way this can be saved and it's a deal breaker. I'm not one of them. I am a stubborn red haired husband who just doesn't give up that easy. At 64 years old Dday meant one of the biggest turning points in WWII. That definition changed for me in 2022 and Dday now means I was beginning the biggest and most painful time of my life. No one is ever ready for something like this, especially at 64 years old and starting to cruise into retirement together. My wife is not who I thought she was as I searched for answers through all of that pain. Every relationship is unique to the people involved and ours is no exception. We have decided to do this without counseling, which I don't recommend now. By the way, that was my decision and I think my wife would have gone to counseling if I wanted to. I can honestly say from this experience that honest and open communication is mandatory for a smoother less eventful recovery. That is our biggest weakness now as it was during our first attempt at marriage. We both get along very well considering what we have been through but I am guessing because of our communication issues, I think we are both wondering what is on each others minds from time to time. I can tell you that not a day goes by that infidelity pops into my head to visit in some form or another. It appears that it has been a much more easier transition for my wife and I think it's because she seen it coming and mine was all shock and awe. I think after all my journaling and digging for answers the things that linger are the things I can't get back or control. I lost precious years of her attention and focus during our marriage and so much more. Before infidelity there were no unknowns or doubts in our marriage and now there is. Recovery is progressing at the pace we allow it to. With this in mind I recommend counseling and regular open and honest communication about the tough issues that you both have been avoiding for far too long. After 3 years we are still trying to knock down this wall. You get through infidelity but you will never forget it. It strikes deep!

Thanks,
Lost1313

Never too late to grab some counseling help.

You can do it as a team, look up and really figure out the expertise of the counselor and read the real people reviews during a possible search.

I know you are muscling through your own way, and I respect that. I only throw the idea back out there because of how it helped us.

My wife's LTA was 4-years physical and 2 more emotional -- in all, the AP friend of the family was in our lives for a decade before she finally told him no for the first time ever when he reached out to get things going again.

So, I have an inkling of your pain.

My support system was limited to SI and counseling.

And counseling isn't an end all be all, it is just a way to safely vent and get some communication coaching.

Today, I do not wonder what my wife is thinking, she feels safe sharing her thoughts. And, if I still have any more than the 5 billion questions I have asked already, she is always willing to answer another question, no matter how far afield my thoughts go. This helped us a lot.

I also fearlessly share my pain, my joy and anything else in my brain with my wife.

Being all me, all authentic, every minute of every day, that helps me a lot too.

I like your update. I am glad you are learning to breathe again.

I hope your healing continues.

I hope you vent some more here when you need.