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Im struggling with trigger words. Like hearing the word condoms, makes me angry because it reminds me of the affair. Other times someone will casually mention a place or event and it sets me off. I feel like I’ve been robbed of these words/events because they transport me to a memory of the affair. I don’t know, does that even make sense? I know it will take time. But it’s frustrating knowing that other people talking about something that should be so innocent, can have so much power over me. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with these triggers and move past them, it’d be greatly appreciated.

Loveismessy,

I don’t know, does that even make sense?

It may not make sense to those who have not experienced sexual betrayal but to those of us who have, it makes perfect sense. Being dragged back into memories by what normally would be trivial words or events is frustrating and painful. And real as hell!

It is a terrible place to have been placed by someone who one loves and once trusted. Try not to beat yourself up over it. It is normal…too normal.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with these triggers and move past them, it’d be greatly appreciated.

As I did, I am sure you will get some great advice here. The opinions will vary and sometimes seem at odds with each other, but the end game is to find your unique path to processing and healing from the affair, which includes the lying and gaslighting which for many of us has been harder to get through than the affair itself.

I don’t know how best to advise you because depending on many factors, and how long away from D-day one is, the advice would be very different, even opposite. What I can say is there is a way through this and you will find wonderful support for which ever direction you find best fits your situation.

Asterisk

I don't have any advice to you as I'm new to this as well. I'm in the same boat. Different songs get me, stuff on tv, shows, movies, certain clothing, mention of a certain city.

If I can, I change the channel, skip the song, walk away, throw away reminders, change the subject. Other than that I have to try to just think about something else and it's hard to do.

I would just try to remind myself that they are words and have no power other than the power I give them.

Kinda worked 🤷‍♀️ but honestly it was mostly time that helped. I had to work with a woman who had the same unusual first name as AP and at first it was really hard. Now I don’t even flinch with that word. Also the AP’s last name was the same as a romantic holiday 🤮 so that was a problem for a couple years. Now, no problem at all.

It’s the worst four letter word, but TIME does help a lot.

I don’t know, does that even make sense?

Yes ma'am it makes perfect sense. You can have any of your friends who are probably 30 and over relate to this by just mentioning "9/11" and they will immediately go back to that horrible day .

For ME...it upset me that these triggers had power over me. I REFUSED to allow that to happen...but it kept on happening and it would frustrate me even more!! So I took one trigger at a time and worked to disarm it. I likened it to a bull in a china shop in that I would plow down each trigger and smash it until it was destroyed!! I was NOT going to be the victim in this...I was going to be the victor!

One of those triggers I disarmed...I wrote about it in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is at the top of the Reconciliation Forum...on page 9 . I wrote about another trigger on page 13 too...and we STILL celebrate that to this day ! I am sure there are other stories I have written about concerning the triggers I DEFEATED...because I sure made it my goal to beat every one!

I found out though that triggers never really go away . Just like those of us who hear "9/11" though...and as others have mentioned on here...with time...it isn't as stinging. The A happened. What they did...happened. There is NOTHING that can change that. BUT...there is always a but !!! But...you CAN change things around for the positive and make these triggers become less and less intimidating . Whatever it takes to make it work for YOU...as long as it is legal ...DO IT !!

Yes, this completely makes sense. It amazes me what things cause a trigger. Sometimes very subtle things. The other day we're just talking about a bar/restaurant type place her mother and her have been going to and that presented a trigger.

What I have found most helpful and healing is to talk about them with my wife. Each time we talk about triggers and the associated feelings, I believe we are gaining ground and those triggers will have less power.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:23 PM, Tuesday, December 23rd]