SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s 2026 and time to retrain my brain, because I cannot unwind time.

I am sure most all of us, both those who were betrayed and the those who betrayed, long for the ability to reverse the tick tock and have a do-over. And though that kind of wishful thinking may at times be cathartic, we all know it is a pipedream that is unattainable.

For me, when things go awry, my go-to is to try to understand why. To attempt to logically see the pre steps that led to the undesirable outcome. And once I understood this, I would try to be honest with myself and tease out what my role in the downfall was. This method of problem solving has served me well throughout my life and I do not plan to abandon it.

However, trying to understand all the whys as my only option to think my way through my wife’s affair, was causing her and I more harm than good. Frankly, even though it was failing me, I would do it as the crazies do it, and repeat what wasn’t working. (Puts my smartness to question.)

I struggled for decades to try to "understand" the whys. I know, I know, it was fallacy thinking, thinking that if I could just understand, then it would make sense to me, therefore justifiable. And once I had justification tied up into a pretty, mental bow, the affair would be, well, understandable. Circular thinking.

Now, it is not that I had thought about it in those terms. This was all going on deep within my befuddled, brain.

In an attempt at a tab of justification on my part, my wife loved me, so there must have been a good reason for her affair because she is a decent and kind person and would never do this to me without an understandable, justifiable reason. (Stinking thinking, I know, no one has to tell me!) So, I refused to accept a reality where I would never know the whys. Which is why, even though extremely painful, I would keep endlessly ruminating causing a tomb’s echo to bounce between the two hemispheres of my brain.

Oddly, what assisted my failing method of "if I just knew all the facts", to persist, unabated for 30 plus years, was that my wife and I had, after D-day, successfully reshaped our marriage. We have a tender relationship and a ton of gratitude for what we have and have become both as individuals and as a couple. What we share now is far greater than what we had prior to D-day. I cherish what we created knowing full well that things could have gone south. Yet, our success also made my internal struggle to understand the whys much more confusing.

It was while in this state of defeated bewilderment I sought out SI, something that did not exist 32 years ago. Hell, the internet did not exist, and home computers were simply an up-and-coming fad that was a waste of one’s time unless you were a nerd.

At this moment what I wrote above makes me chuckle, because it is dawning on me that I came here to get outside help so that I might better "understand" the "whys" so I could uncover the "justification". Sigh, old habits, especially with old dude’s like me, die hard.

It was not but a day or two before some of you vets saw the flaw in my thinking and didn’t waste a second or mince words and challenged me to rethink the way I was thinking. I pushed back because "to understand" was my only tool in the toolbox and it felt like you all were attempting to stripped it away from me. As a few of you know, I fought back. Here is a little secret, I wasn’t angry, I was terrified.

I was being asked to "accept" without understanding. WTF, how does that work!

It was even suggested that I simply let it go. WHAT! How does one even do that!? Let it go, yeah right, I’ll get right on it.

Then there was what really ruffled my feathers.

Listen asterisk, try approaching it this way. "Your wife’s affair was then, this is now, live in the now, not in the past for past no longer exists. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GOBBLEDYGOOK!

And what really stung was I was me being asked to "see your wife as she is today, not as she was yesterday." Holy crap, that smarted. However, it also seeded itself deeply into my time hardened soil. Then, the refreshing part. Many of you tilled the soil and watered the seed helping it to take root. I felt its subterranean fingers threading themselves into my newly cultivated thoughts seeking nutrition supplied for the unseen and unknown sprout.

At first, the idea of living with and reacting to things only as they are now not as they were then, was painful. Ruminating had become my companion. But as the roots gave strength to the sturdy stalk and leafy branch, a bud appeared and all I needed to do was to retrain my brain and accept that even though I will never know the whys nor the justifications I have the power to enjoy the fullness of the buds as they colorfully spread themselves wide.

[This message edited by Asterisk at 6:40 PM, Thursday, January 1st]

I guess part of my focus for healing was the pursuit of the 'why' even if I wasn't able to fill in all of the blanks.

I learned there is no justification when one chooses to cheat.

In the myriad of responses to relationship adversity, none of them include adding a new person to the existing partnership. It is a universal wrong. If one is unhappy in any way or dissatisfied or whatever the excuse is, the front door always works better than hurting a partner with betrayal. Counseling always works better than betrayal, etc., etc.

I also learned, love isn't enough to stop people from making hurtful choices (to themselves and others).

If there is no excuse for cheating, I still needed to understand as much as I could about my wife's choices.

That pursuit allowed me to discover a lot more about my wife, and really helped me understand her overall life so much better than before.

As my pain was revealed in full, my wife learned a whole lot more about me.

That exchange became the material for rebuilding the broken foundation caused by infidelity.

Rumination is tricky, because I think part of emotional trauma recovery needs some of those endless loops (at first) to start healing.

Once your brain figures out time travel is not an option, the here and now becomes a priority.

I don't know that I retrained my brain entirely, but I have learned to how to change the proverbial channel.

I review every single negative thought and am grateful that my caveman brain is still looking out for me. And, as soon as I understand there is no fight or flight requirement for past pain, again, the here and now looks better every day.

Blame never solved a thing in my life.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda never made the sun shine brighter either.

The only moment I have is in the here and now, and I do get to choose my response to the present.

Again, did I retrain away all the pain? No, but I processed enough of the past that my energy helps me stay focused on the good stuff happening today.

I think you are actively processing some of that pain now in finding SI, and hopefully, you will get some more healing in the new year!

There are a few things about the "whys" that seem to be true.

There is no justification for infidelity. No "why" will ever change that. No explanation, cause or reason, will ever justify infidelity.

That being said, it seems to me that just about every betrayed spouse has a powerful need to understand why. We will never fully understand. However, we can come as close as possible without having been there and done that ourselves. It's a bit like an asymptotic curve; it takes increasing effort the closer one gets to the limit, while impossible to actually reach it.

Attaining this level of understanding is CRITICAL to reconciliation. It identifies what is broken in the wayward spouse.

In my exww's case, she has (had?) extremely powerful tendencies towards codependency. Her entire self-worth is (was?) based upon how she perceives whether others value her. If she receives love, praise, and affection, then her self-worth is flourishes. When she doesn't receive that external validation, her self-worth plummets.

When she cheated, our marriage was already hanging on by a thread. I did not act lovingly, praise her, nor was I affectionate. This desperate need for external validation drove me away. It was baffling to me, frustrating and exasperating. It was constant, projecting, dominating. My own tendencies to avoid conflict exacerbated her tendencies, which exacerbated mine, and so on and so forth, in a vicious cycle, until little was left of our relationship.

So, when a "seasoned" serial cheater picked up on the vibes... she accepted that external validation. She "needed" it.

I understand.

Does that justify infidelity? Hell to the mother-fucking no!

Filling an unhealthy "need" is not a justification. Failure to understand such a powerfully unhealthy "need" does not, in any way shape or form, make me accountable for her choices.

Now, here's the crux.

My exww went to therapy. She didn't exactly do so of her own accord. About six months after d-day, I gave her a choice: make an appointment with a therapist or a divorce lawyer.

If she could not or would not own and fix her shit then I would not remain married to her.

This is where reconciliation begins. Once a betrayed spouse has a good understanding of the "whys," and what's being done about them, then, and only then, can we start to trust again.

It's the "why nots" that solve the issue.

You and your wife have skipped this vital process.

Why did she have an affair? What was broken within her? What unhealthy "need" did the affair fulfill?

I believe 100% that she owes you the effort to do her absolute best to figure it all out and explain it all to you as well as she possibly can.

Without this, the dirt stays under the rug.