cocoplus5nuts (original poster member #45796) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, January 2nd, 2026
I read something in another post that got me thinking. The post was about the BP resisting moving forward. Someone said something about how the BP has the moral high ground in the beginning of R, and needs to check themselves as things progress so they don't stay in that position of superiority.
I am there. 11+ years after dday, I still feel superior to my H in almost every way. The only thing that I don't think I'm superior to my H in is looks. I think we are equal in that department.
Maybe if my H weren't so slow in changing himself I wouldn't feel this way. He's been trying, and it's so hard for him. He's not introspective. He's not a thinker at all.
While I understand why he behaves the way he does (foo), I don't understand why anyone would behave that way. He's a grown man who's ego is so fragile that he's emotionally frozen in helpless child mode. I think that's what keeps me feeling superior. It seems so weak to me. At some point, we all have to realize we are the masters of ourselves.
Me(BW): 1970WH(caveman): 1970Married June, 2000DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EADDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraphStatus: just living my life
HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 8:35 PM on Friday, January 2nd, 2026
That was me. 🙂
… and needs to check themselves as things progress so they don't stay in that position of superiority.
Really, the point I was trying to make is that that sense of superiority, and the exercising of it, can serve the ego. Who doesn’t like being right?
The question is, is that feeling of superiority, and the boost it gives to your ego, strong enough that you would stay in a position of suffering to retain it?
DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" ― Mary Oliver
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, January 2nd, 2026
Holding the moral high ground and 7 bucks gets me a fancy cup of coffee.
Moral superiority gains me nothing if I want a balanced, all in, vulnerable relationship.
If I can't have a balanced, all in, vulnerable relationship, then it would be time for me to move on and be single.
I didn't make the same choices as my wife, but I have also NOT been nominated for Sainthood. I do not think that nomination is on the horizon either, I'm simply not close to being perfect.
I'm funny, cooler than Elvis and smart enough to not yell at the cop who pulled me over for speeding. Other than that, I am human, so is my wife and I can't believe I find new ways to make mistakes after six plus decades on the planet.
I understand people stay for all kinds of reasons, but no way I could be around someone I didn't respect anymore.
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
5Decades ( member #83504) posted at 10:51 PM on Friday, January 2nd, 2026
While I don’t agree with Dr Phil often, his catchphrase "how’s that working for you?" springs to mind.
He says that we can get caught in "right-fighting", which is a need to be superior and the person who is right. And we can sacrifice a lot in the process of being right, including losing relationships because we want to prove how right we are.
It hasn’t worked for me. I would rather be loved than have to be right about everything.
5Decades BW 69 WH 74 Married since 1975
