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WW after I go out without her to pick up drinks for us (non-alcoholic botanical bar nearby..basically mocktails): "I get jealous when you do that without me (definitely a disappointed tone and somewhat upset). I like going there with you."

Me after ruminating on the "jealous" part: "You have no idea what jealous is and I only get to talk about it in whispers or with my IC" (neither our kids or anyone else no about her A).

Did I over-react? I have a serious problem with the word "jealous" being thrown around with disregard like this. Whether it was blatant or not. She needs to have the emotional intelligence to recognize that she can't even conceive what that word means to me and will forever mean to me.

Needless to say, me leaving the house for work this AM was a pretty silent exercise as I stew on this for the rest of the day. I'm soooooo tired of feeling like this and having internal debates over whether I'm over-reacting to what probably would otherwise be a harmless discussion. Things had been going pretty well for the last couple of months too....

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 1:09 PM, Friday, January 9th]

Me after ruminating on the "jealous" part: "You have no idea what jealous is and I only get to talk about it in whispers or with my IC" (neither our kids or anyone else no about her A).

Can you elaborate on this further? Has she accused you of being jealous after her infidelity?

I was always taught that the best way to communicate with your spouse is to make "I" statements, rather than to go on the offensive against them with "you" statements. I was also taught to gently communicate what it is I want from my spouse by saying things like "It makes me happy when you do this…" or thanking him when he does something I like. It seems to me that she said "I feel this way," and "I like it when this happens." As opposed to something like "You’re making me jealous. You didn’t/never take me to get drinks with you."

On the surface, it seems like a normal thing to say and a healthy way to communicate, and maybe a bid to spend more time with you. It’s not unreasonable, however, if you’re triggered by the word "jealous" given the infidelity situation at hand, especially if there is more context behind it that I’m missing. Hence my asking for elaboration.

She will likely be confused by your reaction, but hopefully she seeks to understand it, work through it with you, and is apologetic. That is what works for me and my BH to bring us closer together when I don’t understand his reactions to certain things. Being hurt and defensive put distance between us.

You should always be given space for your feelings.

Why are you stewing rather than telling her how you feel?

The first thing that came to my mind upon reading this, is that attitude from your WW helps to explain why she cheated. She's afraid you're having more fun than she is. Her solution was to have her own fun without you.

Why else would she be jealous of you doing that? You said you picked up drinks for both of you. Presumably, you didn't hang out at the place chatting and dancing and partying without her.

Of course, you won't know if you don't talk to her.

You are distressed because it is a red flag.

She feels jealousy (whether is the jealousy of missing an activity where you both can be sharing an experience or jealousy that you might attract the other gender's attention is also important, but not as much as the subtext).

Form her side:
- Your WW has expressed an unfulfilled feeling in your relationship (I suppose you are trying to R) caused by an action you performed.

- This unfulfilled emotion could represent an unfulfilled need, a frustration, or even a sense of guilt or detachment or even 'punishment' from your side she feels or interpret you are inflicting her because of her betrayal.

- Emotions of unfulfillment may becomes justification to soothe the guilt (if she is advanced) or shame (if she is early in the process) for her betrayal, and if stacking up may become a slippery slope towards relapse.

From your side:
- You likely read subconsciously those feeling from her.
- Your nerve system remembers what she did the last time she did not felt "seen" or "fulfilled" by your relationship
- You might have done it innocently or not, aware or not. Turns out this gesture (normal and nice in any other context) stirred you both up and this scares and unsettles you.

You may want to evaluate what was unsettling you ( Maybe something else from what I listed, but you need to look inside), the word "Jealous" is probably a simulacrum of the root fears, you can feel it but you cannot see with clarity what is the disturbing subtext.

And once you see the root, you may want to evaluate if you want to leave this hanging or talk it out with her in a way that will calm both your serve systems.

The unspoken emotions might feel easier to sweep under the rug (for fear of conflict) but they will linger, even if it seems like a tiny and irrelevant thing (it is in a normal scenario, but is very relevant for you both at this moment in time) it is the tiny and 'irrelevant' things that cumulate, build resentment and may push a WS or a BS down the destructive path in the long term.

Do not underestimate what you feel or she feels when it hits you like that, no matter how small the matter seems, if you both feel, is your inner self talking and is important if you are trying to rebuild.