SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the next week I have my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of DD and I am struggling 😞
I feel so much calmer the past month and have worked hard on my mental health however the past week I have struggled with the approach of these anniversaries. I am struggling to sleep, obsessively googling, keep thinking about divorce and even have physical muscular pain for which I am on very strong painkillers.

The problem is...I don't trust myself or my gut anymore...I didn't know my husband cheated on me 12 years ago although I always knew deep down he would so feel like I can't trust myself to make a decision. So now I don't know if my gut is telling me now the initial trauma is over that this is a deal breaker and I should leave or if it's just a trauma response and I'm trying to escape the pain.
I cannot stand the uncertainty of it all...I'm struggling to enjoy life - to plan holidays, decorate the house, and dare I say it, love. All because I feel like I might never get over it and leave anyway.
I know I can't change the past. The affair happened and it sucks. I just wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future and know whether i will get over this or not so I know whether or not to stay.
I know everyone says time, 2-5 years to heal etc etc but life doesn't wait for you to heal and I can't stand feeling like a stranger in my own life.
I wish someone would just decide for me, tell me what to do, tell me what the future holds.
I'm scared to stay and waste more of my life and I'm scared to leave and regret leaving as I know I love my husband and could have a good life with him.
I've tried so many things to heal that it feels like a full time job and I'm just so so tired. I miss my life. I hope I will feel better but next Sunday when these two anniversaries are out of the way.
Any advice welcome.

Evio, Sorry this is always a tough decision. If there are no children, why not decide it was a deal-breaker for you, respond to the severing of the marriage he inflicted on you by formalizing a divorce from him and then take the time to learn how you feel towards a man who, if you stay as I did (regretfully) you will always know is capable of doing this, should he ever "fall" again. (So no wonder you feel this way!) If you're not currently working, what kind of job or activity would help you get back into your own life a bit more? I think that would help you!

I have a fulfilling career and am self sufficient in that way but we have three teenagers who know about the affair but would be devastated by a divorce and it would be complicated selling our home and affording a new property.
It's complicated by the fact the affair happened 12 years ago but I only found out about it last year. I think if it has just happened it would be a deal-breaker but time passed has enabled my husband to reflect and regret his actions even before DD so it hard as he had already starting changing his ways. I just don't know if trauma, mental and physical pain, tiredness and the approaching anniversaries are triggering this urge to leave or if infidelity is just a deal-breaker.

I have some understanding of what you're saying. I was a wreck from the 1st antiversary of the start of the PA and d-day in 2011. I was a wreck in 2012, too, and not in great shape in 2013, either. I'd have given a lot to have been a wreck for a week back then.

It's too soon to trust yourself again. Take it slow. Stay alert. Have faith that you will recalibrate your inner lie/truth detector; that's the quickest way to get it back.

You most definitely CAN tolerate uncertainty. I know it feels intolerable, but it isn't. Uncertainty is the most certain thing about life.

Have faith in yourself and your ability to heal.

*****

What do you plan to do for your wedding anniversary? What do you really want to do for your wedding anniversary?

I definitely had to learn to trust me again.

That can be a very uphill battle.

Experiencing the complete loss of reality -- our life isn't what we 'knew' it was -- takes some time to recover from.

It may have been 18 months that it took me to literally get my feet back underneath me, to know which way is up, was something I didn't think should be such a struggle.

However, it was a lot like the first time I burned my hand on the stove. I knew it was going to be painful, but some caveman part of me had to touch it anyway just to experience it. The learning happened after being burned. Looking back on my wife's A, it was a similar deal.

I learned what her emotional distance meant, what the signs were, what the lies sounded like. The signs I kind of knew about, but ignored are now huge, red flags.

I do know better now.

That's part one of trusting myself.

Part two was just as important; knowing that I will be awesome no matter what happens next. Single or in this M, I knew I was going to be great.

Keep running your best case scenarios in your head and the worst case scenarios too -- you will find your path forward.

The pain, that has to be conquered whether you stay or go. Take that stuff head on.

My 'new' world is all about focusing on the good stuff and appreciating that I survived what I never thought I would have to emotionally survive.

Realize your brain is working overtime to find the safest path forward, that's the lack of sleep. Your brain is trying to find the path of least pain and I kind of roll with it anytime I get those painful reminders (since I know my brain is at least attempting to be on the safer side of things, not wanting to be burned again).

Somewhere in there, you do know the core of you, what makes you tick and what makes you happy. For me, I went to that innermost core, and built out from there. I knew what I needed from and for me and what I wanted from life. If I stayed, I expected certain things, my new boundaries my new comfort zone, etc. And I knew if I didn't get the M I deserved, moving on was going to be just as important.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:42 PM, Friday, January 9th]