SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. This is my first post... so here's a bit of background first.

My husband and I are still together since his EA of 3+ years came out nearly 4 years ago. The level of deception & disrespect is what I find the hardest. There was such intent to deceive AND he simultaneously seems to have been unaware that he was having an EA. Because it wasn't physical, I think he didn't think it was an A. There was clearly inappropriate flirting and sexualised conversation and he told her he loved her and that he would always put her first - so to me it's pretty obvious. Messages were deleted. Innocent messages were created so that if I ever checked the phone that's what I would find. The other element that really stings is that he shared really private things about me, moaned about me (in ways he never talked to me about), talked about our sex life... my privacy was breached.

We've had some MC which has helped to some degree. He does take responsibility for the A and hasn't ever sought to blame me. He is trying to work on himself. He's certainly got his good points and I am reluctant to lose those. We are distant emotionally but pretty good at the ordinary every day.

However...

He is not an emotionally attuned person. He wasn't before and isn't now. He's pretty disconnected emotionally (having an EA seems ironic?). He now knows this and is trying to work on it. But there's a long way to go. To me, he has never shown that he is sorry... he has said it... but I don't feel it. He can be very insensitive e.g. Last year he forgot Dday even though he also forgot it the previous year and I let him know how painful that was for me. He just looks complacent... I'm finding it hard to see a 'man fighting for his marriage'.

I'm not sure i will ever get the response I want / need - the heartfelt apology, maybe a grand gesture (second honeymoon, repeat of marriage vows, new ring..) and some ongoing effort to invest time and energy unto the relationship. I've always felt I carry our lives... if I don't initiate, arrange, suggest... there is just nothing... and post affair I just feel unwilling to be the one doing all that. But that means there's.. nothing. Just endless evenings of staring at screens. punctuated by difficult conversations where I try again to explain how I feel and what I would like.

Does this resonate with anyone? Thank you, wisdom appreciated.

This resonates with me, yes. The difference being my fWH used paid sex workers behind my back...and the extent of that history came out over several years of my asking him when he had started doing that. Eventually he admitted it pre-dated our entire relationship. Talk about feeling deceived!

It does seem different for such an emotionally disconnected person to create a "limerant relationship" with someone, as Sisoon would probably term it. But the part I really relate to is how you get along well enough, but there is no emotional perceptiveness on his part. There likely never was much, but you accepted him for his good points. Now you need something he seems poorly-equipped to generate.

I, too, have to generally be the spark plug in our life.

I have no other suggestions, sorry. Pressuring someone like that to change is not a solution I have found worked well. Don't know if shaking such a person up would even "wake them up." Doubtful. I hope others will offer you better suggestions.

I'm not sure i will ever get the response I want / need - the heartfelt apology, maybe a grand gesture (second honeymoon, repeat of marriage vows, new ring..) and some ongoing effort to invest time and energy unto the relationship. I've always felt I carry our lives... if I don't initiate, arrange, suggest... there is just nothing... and post affair I just feel unwilling to be the one doing all that. But that means there's.. nothing. Just endless evenings of staring at screens. punctuated by difficult conversations where I try again to explain how I feel and what I would like.

Does this resonate with anyone? Thank you, wisdom appreciated.

Hi TakingUpSpace.

It does resonate, I can relate well.

I am both past the limerance (my missing the couple pre affair) and the sadness. She is getting right now into limerance and effort to keep up the relationship. I am not closed but stopped making effort either.

Earlier like you, it was all on me keeping the connection alive.
The only difference compared to your WH, we were not yet married and lived in different countries at the time of her affairs. And she felt absolutely nothing when those were over. But she is not just avoidant, she is diagnosed emotional unavailable. She is finally working on this in IC.

The moment I finally stepped back is when she started to pursue, but she has still unresolved those issues.

You had MC but did your husband try to have IC and therapy to understand his issues with attachment?
He might be avoidant or have a similar situation like mine, the fact that he had an EA hints to a person that is craving closeness but he is afraid to have it with his closest person.

I can't do more than recommending IC, it sounds like fearful - avoidant attachment style, only a good therapist can find it out. These behavior can change if the person puts in the work and can become secure attachment.

If that is still important for you you may try to have this conversation.