SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have date nights on Friday. The kids go to their aunt's house for a few hours so we have the house to ourselves. We usually cook a meal talk play a game watch a movie do something. Well this past Friday the conversation centered around the affair

She asked me where I am with it and I said I have made my peace with it and I'm using it for as much good as I can. She asked how so and I said I help others who are going through what I did about 2 years ago. I said I am on a forum mostly comprised of BS's and we offer help and support to people who just found out about an affair. I'm still not sure how to decipher the look on her face

I said as odd is it sounds for me to say this but in a way I am glad it happened because it forced change in both of us that never would have happened. You never would have gone to IC and confronted what happened to you in your childhood nor would you have gone to MC to learn how to communicate with me instead of just crossing your arms throwing up a wall and shutting down the conversation. What I didn't tell her was it cured me of my codependency flaw

It also forced her to face her fear of confrontation so instead of just keeping something to herself she now finally has the ability to say I need to talk to you about something and we actually have a real conversation. That did not happen in the past and that's the reason why five years ago I asked her to go to MC but she adamantly refused

She asked me where I am with trust and I looked her in the eyes and said you do not rebuild 27 years in under 2 years and I could tell by her facial expression and body language that was not the answer she was hoping for but she did not push back

Does your spouse know that you are on this forum?

I have told my wife about this forum and that I'm on it, but that was several years ago, and I'm sure she's forgotten all about it. She's pretty good at not remembering anything to do with her affair, so no reason she'd remember this -- haha!

Yes she does.

I nuked my posts (which got restored) when she first found out, but now it's out in the open.

I think she gets it and why I still post here occasionally. She does worry it's an echo chamber, but that's sort of the nature of any support group.

I had a post once about rebuilding trust from the Bayesian perspective. Unfortunately it takes far more than 27 years to rebuild 27 years of trust. Before there is an instance of betrayal trust builds at double the rate of time. After a betrayal it builds at one third the rate. Assuming a continuous hazard process and a non-informative prior...

So at 27 years, you would have expected her betrayal recurrence interval to be once every 54 years, and it would gain 2 years for each year you stayed with her.

With a betrayal, that goes down to once every 18 years instantly (destroying 2/3rds of your expected interval). To get back to an expected recurrence interval of 54 years, you'd have to be together for 162 years with no further acts of betrayal.

Yeah. This place isn’t his thing, but he has been here before. Never a big poster. He can login as me if he wants, it’s part of the transparency so he can look at any private messages. I don’t think he chooses to do that, he doesn’t seem to check in on things like that anymore, but he is always welcome to. I think I am pretty boring in a good way these days.

Yes. My H (he is the one who cheated) has an account. He hasn't been on here for years as far as I know. He posted a few times in the early days. He was still in denial and defensive mode and didn't get what he wanted out of it.

WB,

You didn't grow because of the A. You grew because of the work you did after the A.

*****

Not only did my W find out about my use of SI soon after I started; our MC found out, too. MC checked it out and told me it looked helpful. (As I've said, great MC.) After that, I was wont to say, 'This came up on SI, and I have these thoughts/ feelings/ concerns....' That was very helpful.

I suggested my W join, but she said she wanted me to have a safe space. Two years in, she wanted some support I was unwilling to give, and I directed her to SI. She became a valued member for a while. She said the responses to her first post were 'sort of harsh,' but she persisted.

*****

2.5 years after d-day, I told our MC (in a session) that I was concerned because I didn't trust my W. MC shut me down. Wouldn't even discuss it. 'It's too early,' she said.

I think she meant, 'It's too early for for trust unless you're ready to give it.' I think she'd tell you it's too early for you to think about trust. As I say, she's a great MC, so you ought to believe ...um... my guess about what she'd say to you.

If R is going to work for you, you W will take your feedback, recognize that you're still with her, and continue to do her work.

*****

T0i0F,

Your calculation works only if your assumptions are correct. I say that as someone who was betrayed 45 years into the relationship.... I sort of understand the Bayesian approach, but I'm an ex-historian, not a mathematician, and I congratulate you on applying it. I don't say your assumptions are bad, only that they may be bad. You are, after all, the 1st (that I know of) to apply the process to infidelity.

Oh yes. My wife knows about these forums and knows I post here often. She's read most of my threads and the replies. Quite often when I'm on here she's right beside me and will ask "what are you typing over there?" so I'll just straight up read it to her. I haven't said anything here I haven't or wouldn't say to her.

I've told her there's a wayward section and waywards who post over there, but forums just really aren't her thing.

No, he doesn't know. He's a very conflict avoidant person and I don't really care to discuss it with him. My main concern at this point in life is my own security and stability because of health and financial issues. I just don't want him running off and leaving me in the lurch. I don't think he would do that, but...I didn't think he'd do other things either, so who knows. I'm not trusting by nature. Anyway, I consider this my inner life, and I figure he's allowed one as long as it doesn't threaten me. I'm not a jealous person by nature, and I'm not in romantic love with him, I just don't want to end up living under a bridge. I like to post here because my health issues prevent me from a lot of social interaction so It's one of the ways I reach out to people and I hope I have some insights that may be useful. I like to help, I hope I do. I think we all have to make ourselves useful to others in whatever way we can, it gives purpose to life. I would not share any of this with him, this is my inner life and I don't think he has any right to it. Nor am I looking to build up anything better at this point. I don't really want to spy on him either, just have some idea of what might impact me at some point. I wish it were different but it is what it is.