SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting here.

After breaking trust with my partner of 9 years. We have been split now for about 8-9months. I have changed massively to make things right with her, we have two young children and own our family home.

I used to me the person that run away when she wanted to talk... now im the one who wants to talk and make things right. She doesnt and said we will never be together again. I cry everyday and sometimes feel like i cant be here any longer its so hard cause of how much she means to me and i believe what we once had and built is worth more than hope moving on.

Do i just give up? Ive been constant with my change and constantly keep trying but im starting to feel like im worhtless.

Hope someone can reach out too me.

Thanks,

BrokeUKMan

If anybody has any advice on what i can do or best thing to do on this situation would be a great help

I think until you know for certain that she’s gotten with somebody else, you keep trying.

But, gently.

Best wishes.

Hello,

Are you in counselling? I see you are in UK, you can access talking therapy through the NHS if you haven't got a counsellor.

No matter what your children need you. I know the pain can be overwhelming but it will ease and acting on it will only pass than pain onto your children (I am a betrayed spouse rather than a wayward but pain is pain).

Keep working on yourself, keep showing up. Even if your relationship doesn't survive this, you need to.

Please keep posting here, there are lots of supportive people on here who have been in your shoes.

[This message edited by Evio at 8:18 PM, Sunday, February 22nd]

Yes ive had therapy through NHS. But only by myself as she didnt believe she needed to be there due to her not being the issue.

Living in the same house is so hard. I constsntly cry when i look at her and our children.

If anybody has any advice on what i can do or best thing to do on this situation would be a great help

I kind of missed it so I ask:

Are you the Betrayed Spouse or the Wayward spouse??

In case you are the BS, ans she betrayed you, is pointless to cry over her and do the pick me dance, it does not work. Do the 180

IN case you are the Wayward.
You can try and should work on yourself to resolve the issues that lead you to betrayal.

Sometimes the BS give a second chance but is not "deserved" they may want to try if they see a changed behavior, or be done and move on.

What's your situation?

She didn't need to be there, you need individual counselling to find out why you have done this. I am not judging you, you're clearly devastated by what you have done and therefore need counselling to find out why you did it so you don't do this again and to come to terms with what you have done.

Your wife's grief will be immense and she probably hasn't got the capacity to comfort it reassure you.

One of the best things my husband did that made me consider reconciliation was to immediately book himself into private counselling to find out why he blew our lives up.

I was going through a terrible time in my life where i lost my step father.. we wasnt in the best place (realtionship) at the time and found comfort talking to a co-worker who just brought abit of happiness to my life at the time.

This is where it should of been my parnter i went too for comfort and didnt. It was just emotional chat nothing more happened but she believes it did.

Since then i have moved jobs, opened everything out so nothing is hidden from her even though we are split but still living together. I have improved in every aspect and become a totally different person.

Hoping it could slowly repair the hurt and guide is in the right direction to rebuild a new chapter.

It sounds like you are doing everything right but 8 months isn't long. I'm 14 months out from DD and still find myself struggling to believe my husband has changed. It's going to take consistent change over years rather than months. I don't know your circumstances to know whether your wife will come round but changing and becoming a better man for you is always going to be worthwhile so keep going.

Evio.. thank you for the advice means alot.

I just sit and cry everyday cause i know the pain and hurt ive caused. I love the women so much and since the break it feels like i love her more than i habe ever done.

I know in myself if i was to be given the chance again i wouldnt even give her the chance to believe i was doing something wrong. She has said many of times she feels and knows how much she means too me.

I do have one thing to ask your thoughts on... we still sleep in the same bed but nothing more than that. From a womens prespective if she had lost everything for me would she be doing this?

I was going through a terrible time in my life where i lost my step father.. we wasnt in the best place (realtionship) at the time and found comfort talking to a co-worker who just brought abit of happiness to my life at the time.

This is where it should of been my parnter i went too for comfort and didnt. It was just emotional chat nothing more happened but she believes it did.

Since then i have moved jobs, opened everything out so nothing is hidden from her even though we are split but still living together. I have improved in every aspect and become a totally different person.

Hoping it could slowly repair the hurt and guide is in the right direction to rebuild a new chapter.

OK more clear, you are the Wayward Partner.

So you did some of the step to regain the broken trust. That is good.

You are minimizing the affair (it was just....), what you experienced is called emotional affair, you invest emotionally in someone who is NOT your partner.

Is cheating, even if you truly did not have sex (or not yet) with the Affair Partner.

Often the WS does not even realize they are having an affair with EA, because they have in mind a specific boundary to cross (eg sex) before admitting to have an affair. Is denial and cognitive dissonance, you know deep down you looked for connection outside the couple. You formed a new relationship with this person, one where your woman had no place.

Guaranteed that she is suffereing for it, you see your suffering but can't see her.

You probably seem at least ashamed if not regretful. You did take some good steps.

Are you in IC or did you tell your BS that you will undergo therapy?
It's important for you first, to understand the unresolved issues (usually low self worth, people pleasing, avoidance etc) behind cheating.

BEcause you can resolve it and be a better person for the future, for your own peace first, your partner second.

Every BS reacts differently, is not a easy thing to be betrayed by someone who you love, some cannot simply get over it so they are done with the WS.

I do not know if you speak and talk about it, how open or done she really is. She seems from how you talk to be either pretty hurt or pretty done. She is pulling a hard 180 on you, which is the correct response to being cheated on.

You have to face it, talk and understand it. Still do counselling for yourself. That you become a safe partner is critical for her to ever consider giving you a chance, and if she cannot feel to reconcile, you will become a safe partner for the next relationship.

I am sorry you are in pain, but you must accept the situation, you let her no choice when you cheated she had no say in it. Now you have no say or agency in her choice to reconcile or not, but you have agency in bettering yourself.

And you will feel better when facing your traumas.

I don't think I can answer that question but I can tell you my experience. On DD I asked my husband to leave. He went to a hotel for a night then due to financial restraints he decided to sleep in the garage as he had no where to go. Despite sleeping tablets from the doctors I could not sleep and had to ask my husband to come back in and sleep in our bed in order for me to be able to sleep. I couldn't just switch off my love or attachment for my husband despite what he had done. However, a year down the line I'm still not certain we are going to make it.

Its complex and your wife, like me, is probably feeling such conflicting feelings.

In my opinion the best thing you can do is to help her heal is to:

- give her space if she wants it but don't assume she does, ask her!

- do whatever you can to make her life easier whilst she heals eg taking care of the kids as much as possible, taking on more housework etc

- apologise, apologise, apologise

- when she wants to talk, listen to her, validate her feelings, reassure her you are not that man anymore and never will be again

[This message edited by Evio at 9:09 PM, Sunday, February 22nd]

I will take your advice and try everything i my means to get things right. I really hope it works out for you also !

I just feels like everything i give doesnt help and feel she wants to make me feel the way she has which i totally accept.

I feel she wants me to leave our home but its just not as easy as that as im not going to be able to finacially and dont want it too effect my young children. But if i was to leave id lose my job due to locations in distance from work.

I feel she wants me to leave our home but its just not as easy as that as im not going to be able to finacially and dont want it too effect my young children. But if i was to leave id lose my job due to locations in distance from work.

Don't dod the mistake to guess what she feels, talk to her (assuming you talk).

Not with feeling sorry for yourself, but for her emotions (of course yours are important as well, but you hurt her and she needs to feel from you that you now care)

We do talk in general as we live together. We still do things together but when trying to talk about what has happened or how we could possibly move forward she doesnt want to know and moves herself away from the situation.

We do talk in general as we live together. We still do things together but when trying to talk about what has happened or how we could possibly move forward she doesnt want to know and moves herself away from the situation.

Ok now this is a clue.

From the BS perspective:

Usually the WS wants to put their affairs behind and forget asap.
The BS reality is in pieces, they want to understand and heal the pain.

Is hard and needed.

Suggestion is

Don’t minimize
Don’t talk about forward, talk about and care about her feelings
Talk about your understanding that you must dive deep and resolve your issues to never hurt her again

This is the right start.
Be present, help her and try to behave like you care for her and her pain.

Is not easy for both of you but that’s the path

Can i private message you ?