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This may be long so bare with me and if i dont really stick to a time line again sorry ill try my best but i feel i need to share with others who have been through the same thing, I have familiarised myself with some terminology but again bare with me.
My partner and I have been together for 11 years, July last year we entered a really tough patch in our relationship. We tried working through it while living together as a family but it wasn't possible so in September I told him to go stay at his parents for a while.
During july-sept he and a joint friend (F) pushed friendship to a line that was not comfortable, messaging all the time, spending alot of time together and as stupid amount of X's at the end of both of their messages. I adressed it with him and he cut her out of his life as did i and was assured it was platonic nothing more by them both.
Since July and even while he was not living at home we continued to work through our problems, at least i thought we both were.
Dday, buckle up.
Valentines day of all days, quick rewind our daughter attends gymnastics each Friday and we both attend to support her jointly and also spend some time together, the Friday before which was the day before Dday he was off and I could tell something was weighing on him, he told me not to comfort him which confused me. Little did I know what it was that weighed on him.
He asked to come over Valentines day because we needed to talk, I thought the worst thing he could have said was that he didnt see how we could repair and that we should end the relationship completely, again I could not have been more wrong.
He started by asking for me to promise him that his relationship with our children would not change, again I reasured but he needed to know, I was more confused and bracing myself for the end of our relationship, to then be hit with he was still in love with me. He should have never left, he missed us, our family and me and he wanted to come home. Ok not what I was expecting so I threw my arms around him because for 7 months that is what I had wanted to hear but he told me to not hug him, that he wantes to lay all the cards out and be transparently honest and open. Confused is an understatement now.
So the bomb dropped and I fell silent.
Mid Novemeber he bumped into the friend, went for coffee and poured out how he felt to her and they started talking again.
For reference and please no judgement my WS uses a smokable plant medically for pain.
Talking happened at her flat where he smoked himself numb, it went from a couple days a week, to every day to him staying there on her sofa. Days before our anniversary (which is in Nov) they kissed, then at the end of Nov they slept together. He was staying there almost every night and started to sleep in the OW bed. This lasted through Dec and into early Jan.
I was speechless, which takes alot, I felt everything and nothing at the same time, i was silent for what felt like an eternity, i had so much going through my head but not a single sound would come out, not a sinhle tear fell it was just silence. The woman I had worries about had slept with my partner, shared a bed with him, kissed him.
I threw up because in Dec we had also been intimate over xmas while he was here, after I threw up the damn burst I collapsed on our bathroom floor and an ocean of tears fell and finally sound came out of me, sound I never want to hear again, pure pain in noise.
He sat by me but didnt touch me he was still in tears from when they started to fall as he was telling me. He asked if he could hold my hand and hold me, I didnt know what to do as his arms have been my safe place for the past 11 years yet now they were tainted, stolen in a way.
When the pain stopped taking over my voice I started to ask questions, mountains poured out but not the why. He answered every single one of them and my followup ones plus the follow up ones from the follow up. I told him he could have come here and stopped at wanting to come home so why did he tell me, his response was he couldn't fix us on a lie he had lied too much and for us to rebuild he had to be completely honest and hope I had it in me to want to fix us after knowing and he couldnt put me through the pain if finding out 2nd hand it had to come from him, he had also come clean with his dad who had apparently made everything clear for him.
He never loved her, he had no feelings for her, the sex was aweful, he couldn't perform and he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, the OW wanted more and wanted to tell me, which according to him was one of the wake up calls that, that wasnt the life he wanted. They never went on a date, never snuggled and never cuddled in bed or after sex or to go to sleep. Like I said I asked alot of questions some of which I didnt want to know but knew I needed to.
I caught a family photo we have on the wall, I saw our children, saw the home we have built, the past 11 years and the love I still felt for him.
I made the decision to try, to rebuild.
Fast forward 3 days I learnt my sister had found out 3rd hand and I was thrown back to Dday, I wanted my safe space and he came running. We talked more (we had done over the days following DDay) I had more questions which he answered and as soon as his arms were round me I felt that familiar safe feeling again.
He has now cut OW out of his life, blocked her on everything, told her I know and that he wanted a life with me, OW told him to F off and have a nice life...classy.
He stayed for a week at home, the first night i stood in the doorway to our bedroom because sharing a bed with him had suddenly become unsafe, my brain has made a safe/unsafe list which i hate because I feel like so much has been stolen from me. I can't be intimate with him because it isn't safe, it took me a few days but I finally was able to kiss him and I can share a bed with him, the whole time he reassured, didnt preassure and we talked through everything.
The past week we have started to slowly work through things, he feels like my safe space again and he is annoyingly be amazing.
Our communication has been the best it has ever been and I can see we are building something new and stronger. He is now also gaining control over is smoking and seeking help. I was also able to be intimate with him and I didnt have any thoughts of them. Unfortunatly the 3rd time I did think of them and I instantly stopped, talked but I have gone back to I can't be intimate with him.
Which leads us to now.
My sister hates him but she also is almost punishing me for making the decision to not kick him to the curb, telling me I have made a mistake.
I have not been able to go into our town because the OW works there.
I can't be intimate with him again and I feel like I should be preparing myself for the other shoe to drop but he has said this is where he wants to be and even mentioned marriage (which i told him to propose now would be stupid but it made me smile).
I just want to feel normal for one minute.
I still worry even though he has physically shown me the OW is blocked from his life, I worry if I dont hear from him when he finishes work or if he has to go into our town without me. He is phoning every day, messaging through out and providing all the reassurance I ask for and even when I dont.
I dont want him to feel he is now living under a harsh rule regime, that I am bringing it up every day but it has only been a week and I am still so vulnerable.
I can see light at the end of th tunnel and it's closer than it was. I want to not think about it anymore, I want to trust him.
Sorry this has been so long and thankyou for sticking with me.

For God's sake, woman, don't apologize to us - you've been through a horrible ordeal! I'm glad you reached out for help. There are a lot of great people here, with different viewpoints, and I'm sure you'll find words of wisdom to help. And plenty of experience.

The first thing that strikes me (and I'm not going in any logical order) is that this OW is like a spider. She's been waiting for him, or whoever maybe, to come into her web. She may have caught him at a weak point when he wax max vulnerable but I don't think this will happen again. I would advise him to be careful who he talks to - certainly he has to avoid her, but he has to be careful of talking to any woman like that because there are a lot of predators out there, which is how she strikes me. Some people just take advantage of the misery of others and use it as an opportunity to latch on. Yes, I know he has agency and he had choices, but he's also in a more vulnerable state because of his emotional distress over your relationship and his use of substances. They weaken resolve.

Personally if this were me, and this might not reflect you at all, just my reaction to this, I'd yell him for the better part of a night and then tell him the hell with it, come home and we'll work it out. Just don't see this spider woman again. Then I think you have to work on the real issues which is why you were separated in the first place. This whole episode with spider woman seems like an anomaly to me and not something he's regularly going to be doing. I don't see him doing this again. I'd just chew him out and then forgive him and try to move forward, especially with resolving those initial underlying issues.

As for the intimacy and trust issues....that just takes time to resolve until you feel comfortable again that you can fully trust him. Don't over think or over value what he did with spider woman. It doesn't sounds like much anyway compared to what you two have had. Sound pretty piss poor to me actually. I think if you start just touching each other casually maybe just in passing. Stroke the hair, squeeze the arm, pat the ass.....it will start to come back. I think he's basically the same guy - he just fell into a hole. IMO, he's worth pulling out.

Eryn,

so sorry you had to find us.

You have experienced a trauma, and it will take YEARS to recover, typically 2-5. I just want to be realistic with you. So any type of reconciliation (R) is a long journey full of lots of twists and turns and big ups and downs. So if your emotions are all over the place, totally normal.

What is your WS (wayward spouse) doing to fix this? Is he seeking professional help like IC (individual counseling)? Is he going to NA to stop with the weed? Is he digging deep into why he continued if it was so awful (and I frankly find that one a little hard to believe 🤷‍♀️ — maybe in retrospect it was bad, but he kept on going back so….)?

He needs to get tested for STI/STD and so do you. Who knows what she may have shared with him, and we’ve seen too many stories where people caught something from their WS. Do not have unprotected sex until you are both tested and he shows you the results.

Are you in IC? That will help you process what you want and need going forward. R can be possible, but don’t promise it yet. You need him to prove that he is truly changing and becoming a safe partner, and it will take a long time for you to trust again. Totally normal, just the way it is. Share with people in your life who will support you no matter if you R or D (divorce). As you see with your sister, some struggle with this, so choose carefully who you share with, but get support if you need it. If he is embarrassed or ashamed, too bad. Just a consequence of his actions.

Please take extra good care of yourself - eat healthfully, drink lots of water, get some exercise and sleep. Avoid alcohol and drugs as they don’t help when you are in crisis.

Do not let him blame you or the ‘rough patch’ or even the AP (affair partner). She may have pursued, he may have been sad and feeling uncertain, but he made 100s of choices to cheat and lie to you. That is 100% on him. All marriages have rough patches. Life gets tough sometimes, but he needs to find out why, out of the zillions of choices he could have made, he chose to betray you. How else can he figure out how to never let that happen again if he doesn’t get to the root of why he did it this time. This is also why we don’t recommend marriage counseling (MC) at this time. The M wasn’t the problem. He was.

Has he voluntarily shared all passwords and location with you? Is he reading up on the effect of trauma and infidelity on marriages and the BS (betrayed spouse)? He really needs to be driving this - his made, he needs to take the lead in fixing it.

Keep posting. Let us know if you have kids, your own income, etc. It will help us advise you better as you manage through.

Oh, and read in the Healing Library and look for all the posts with the bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum. You may have to go back a few pages, but there is gold in some of these posts and resources that will help you.

Lastly, trust that you will get through this. It will suck and take longer than you want, but you will get through it.