I watched a video of Dr Kathy Nickerson this morning that was about the 5 signs someone would cheat. They included:
1. Avoidant attachment
2. Narcissist tendancies/self entitlement
3. Poor coping skills
4. Family history of cheating
5. Ability to compartmentalise
My husband had all of these. Some of these traits have helped me understand and forgive him. For example ..he wasn't taught coping skills by his mother, he learnt cheating was normal in his family and his work in the army and the police taught him to compartmentalise.
Where I struggle is the self entitlement/narcissist tendancies. The way he must have had to rationalise the affair to himself as 'I deserve this'. I said he felt the world revolved around him and me and the kids were just characters in his story not individual humans with our own feelings, hopes or dreams.
When I look back through our relationship...this tendancy has always been present. In one way he is the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back (but he'd probably would have looked round to see who noticed 😂!) but his ability to have a 2 year sexting/booty calls PA demonstrates that deep down he was a selfish guy.
I just find this trait so unattractive! And whilst I genuinely have forgiven him for the affair, love him, and feel empathy for him. Everytime he does something that reminds me of this trait or other traits I do not like I feel put off him and pull away especially in terms of affection.
For example, not a sign of self entitlement, but he injured himself training a few weeks back because he had to 'prove' he could overpower another guy (who was several years younger and fitter than him) on training to prove to others it could be done. Result was an injury that took weeks to recover. I told him he should have put his dick away as I just see as pathetic machosism.
I know people can change. I don't think he's as bad as the version he was when he cheated on me but obviously some of these traits are just his personality and cannot be eradicated without eradicating him!
I just find it a turn off and a disappointment I married someone who I view as weak in character and it makes me struggle to feel affection towards him in the day to day...for example, when he injured himself at training I couldn't give a shit. Likewise if he says he has had a bad night's sleep. I'm also annoyed I dated lots of healthy individuals before my husband but wasn't attracted to them so I've only got myself to blame for choosing my husband 🙄 I knew he was weak, I knew deep down he'd cheat on me which is why I asked him regularly. I was just in bloody awe, love and probably limerance with him and by the time I truly saw who he was we were 5 years in, married with 3 kids and unbeknownst to me he was already cheating 🙄
I know he's changed a lot since then even before DD and since DD he's become the model husband and is doing everything right - looking after me, talking to me, taking over 90% of the housework, booking dates, putting in boundaries with family etc. I genuinely love spending time with him and our family but this 'ick' feeling is still there. It's like I love him but now I see him clearly for the first time in our relationship it's like I've woken up and when I think about it... I don't really like who he is 😞
Is this normal? Will it pass or is it a sign I won't ever feel genuine affection for him again? I still want this to work. I want the dream of growing old with him. We have so much in common, so much shared history (although our versions of that history clearly differ vastly but that's on him not me, I can look back at my version with fondness and pride which unfortunately he can't) and there is so much love there but am I just flogging a dead horse? I don't want to be back here in 10 years like some posters just coasting through life with a man I love but don't feel affection or respect for.
[This message edited by Evio at 9:53 AM, Thursday, February 26th]
