Hi my SI friends,
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, something that just seems to fry my brain until I end up completely abandoning the thoughts is the chalk/cheese nonsense (can’t even find the words for it) I’ll explain…
My H was completely different to what he is now, he was very surface level, no emotional intimacy, didn’t really like being touched too much unless it was sexual, completely dismissed my wants/needs, always the victim (loved being a victim), in spite of all this he was my best friend, I accepted him for what he was. I was the wife who did everything my H went to work and that’s it!, he was sent to work every day with a packed lunch with his wraps, sides of olives, watermelon and feta cheese with roasted nuts and a chocolate on top. I wasn’t perfect but my husband and family came first, We all know what that got me.
Now it’s the opposite, I have a man that seems would stop at nothing to be by the side of triggerzilla. Now I have subconsciously and consciously put this man through every possible test I can think of and every single time he’s surprised me, I’m sure subconsciously it been to test if he would leave so I could say ah ha!, but consciously I’ve screeched at him to leave, I’ve asked him to leave, I told him to leave at any time he wishes. He didn’t leave.
When I think back to what we’ve been through this past year and a bit, my goodness, what a shit show! and he’s taken all of it on the chin.
I have a man who is emotionally available at any time, a man who wants to know how I feel, a man who seems to enjoy taking care of me and who enjoys being needed, a man who loves to be constantly touched or touching me and a man that can sit and listen to anything without flinching and come back with complete calm.
Sometimes I’m not going to lie, I could literally smack him in the face because it just seems so stupid. You had it so easy and now it must be so hard - why?.
Just the other day after I caught myself mid spiral I said, ‘I’m going to end up driving us both crazy’ he said you’re not going to drive us both crazy because you are fine and if you do then we’ll both be crazy together and we’ll be fine.
He had all of my heart and all of my trust and now he stays for zero trust and he said he’d stay for a corner of my heart, he said if he could get back just a corner he’ll be happy. Who wants to be loved with just a corner?.
Trust. Now trust is a big no no for me, I don’t trust anyone and I’m happy with that, life has taught me that, I’m not sure I can ever trust my H again and TBH I think trust is worthless. I think it’s depending on someone to not let you down, now I depend on myself now, I won’t let myself down. I trust him to provide for his family, he’s never once faulted on that one.
Do I trust him with my heart?, no, I know he’s not the same guy and with what he’s witnessed, accountability and our therapist holding his feet to the fire, he’s not the same guy but still no.
My husband always came first, now I come first, we all know that my husband seems to lose himself if he’s approached by something that has been ran through more than the Euro tunnel.
I do wonder if trust is something that comes back because for me it seems like the lid has been slammed shut on that one, I wonder if this is normal?.
Thanks for listening Bruce.
