A member here in a recent post of mine made this statement.
Can they change? Perhaps, but I think actual change is rare. If the stars align again and temptation presents itself, the possibility exists that they can do this again because...it's already been a reality.
Though I don’t fully agree with it, it did sting, for there is, in my case, truth spoken.
I have spent many hours pondering this statement, weighing it against what I want to believe and share, verses what my experience with infidelity factually was years ago verses now.
I have spent the previous 8 months sharing about my wife’s long-term affair with what was then my best friend. In the beginning I unloaded my grief like a waterfall of sewage. But I have also told the sweeter side, the truth that my wife and I are extremely happy and have built a marriage I am proud of. And I am speaking from a position of strength that there is joy in my life, her life, our marriage. We worked hard to arrive at this point, and I give a ton of credit to my wife for the work she needed to do and did. And yet…..
Betrayed spouses often have their own trickle truth issues, and this is mine.
My wife, 5 years prior to her affair with my friend, had her 1st affair. I saw it immediately, addressed it the moment I did, and she, without hesitation, confessed. The next day we packed up and left our mission field work and returned to our home church for guidance.
The Christian counseling we received approached the affair as sin on my wife’s part and what was needed was her to confess before God and her husband and then forgiveness from me, (which was a requirement of the faith). Once that had occurred, God had forgiven and washed us clean and we could continue with His work, "for all have fallen short of the glory of God."
There was no reason to dig into the issue that made infidelity a choice for it was all about sin and we all are equally guilty in the eyes of God. Right? Uggg! That was our teaching and I believed it.
I thought it was done and over with. And I never, in a million years, would have imagined that "If the stars align and temptation presents itself,…". She would do it again. NEVER!
I think that is why I beat myself up for so many decades. How I allowed a blind faith in both my wife and my God" to leave me vulnerable to a second time. So, my member friend, squirm as I might, your point is well taken and not without its own wisdom.
I will defend my wife as she has presented herself for the past 33 years, but I will not defend her actions prior. There is no question in my mind that she learned from her 1st affair how to hide her second. How to lie when confronted, how to manipulate my trust and faith in her and God to her advantage. And she did so like a honed professional. What she hadn’t counted on was her own conscience would eventually betray her.
That is why, after she disclosed the second affair, I insisted that we NOT get Christian counseling. I stated that I would only stay if we sought out secular counseling. Even then I made the error of approaching it as a marriage failure issue not as my wife’s personal family history issue, for, by the grace of God we were new creatures. (Lingering’s of old beliefs systems not yet dead.)
There is an old saying that some might apply here: "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
I reject this statement because when a person fools someone who has given them their unwavering trust, they are fully at fault 100% of the time, every time. The number of times does not shift the blame.
I will end with this; People can and do change for the better if they choose and I want to never become so jaded that I refuse to see it or to allow for it.
Asterisk
