SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was unwell last week with the flu. I was really unwell in the night and my spouse got me water, medicine, blankets, pillows etc without complaint to make me feel better. He was always good to me when I was sick - desire to feel needed maybe?

I was aching and burning up and crying. All I could think is how could he destroy our lives. I feel so alone. I wanted to be with my mum or dad or my children or someone who actually cares for me. Who has compassion. Who isn’t a liar.

I just said thank you. I didn’t say how I feel - what’s the point.

Crying always makes me feel worse when I’m poorly as it blocks my nose.

I know the answer and I know I deserve peace. I am so disappointed with my life. I’m so sad today writing this.

He’d like to carry on ‘for the kids’. Which I think is totally hilarious. As he didn’t give a shit about doing right by the kids before. I can’t see me trusting anyone again. It’s why I come on here to know there are good people out there who care. You don’t have to respond but you do.

Just wanted to share.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 1:37 PM, Tuesday, March 24th]

I hope you know you do not have to travel this road alone. There are many here who will walk alongside you and offer you a hand when needed.

Even though our situations are somewhat different and our processes greatly vary one of the few consensuses is, is the deep loneliness and abandonment that one feels. We are here and we are listening.

Asterisk

Thank you. I’m crying again.

I have spent the past few years growing my social circle and I have done it pretty successfully. I’ve not found a ride or die bestie but I have several people I could call on if I was desperate.

I have worked on old friendships and new ones. I have several people I text very regularly. I allow them to know my thoughts on a range of things but I’ve never told anyone other than you guys and a therapist about this.

I am working on ensuring I have a way out. I’m pretty sure he’s lied a few times since Dday. But instead of being upsetting it just cements that he is a person of low integrity, a loser or saddo.

He will say it’s because I didn’t like him anyway. Or he thinks we’ll split anyway. Or what was the point. Etc. The point is, of course, to do it for yourself.

I did what I thought was right when I found out. Now I may not have got it right. I definitely made mistakes. But I am at peace with it because I did the best I could with the knowledge and skills I had that day. Would someone else do it better? Maybe! Would others think I lacked self respect? Definitely. But I look back and know I did the right thing by me and my children. I am here, a few years later, knowing my flaws, working on them (I’ll never fix some of them), but deep down I know I’m a good person. I am capable of being loyal and committed. I’m fun. I’ll work on myself and I’ll apologise, to my kids especially, when I mess up. I work hard.

He thought and told me how awful I was and I believed him. The AP was a person who would post virtue signalling posts on SM. Yet get involved with a married man (with a mentally ill wife apparently - that was his tale of woe so he wasn’t a normal nasty cheat)

He’ll never make me doubt my kindness and self worth again. Ever. My family deserve better than me feeling like that about myself.

He always had pretty low self esteem, I get why now. He does things that suggests he has no principles or morals or core values. Lack of self respect and lack of impulse control.

I read a book recently about reworking your priorities and I am drawn to reread it and do the actions in it.

He was 75% of my world now he’s 5%.

I was always the stressing one. He had a cool, calm head and was collected. I’d get cross or worried or stressed. Probably my background. Not so much now. He’s so highly strung and I’m so much more chilled. It’s like I’ve seen the bottom of the pit - so screw it. So what. If anyone can help explain why this has reversed I would be interested in hearing theories?

Thanks all. And anyone reading this who is struggling and not wanting to post - give it a go. It usually calms my mind for a while.

I had a middling case of the flu last December. If my mom were still alive, she'd be 107 and unable to do anything for me. My W was very helpful - but I wanted my mom. Who doesn't when they're sick? Looks like you had a worse flu than I did, so.... (BTW, note that your kids will forever want you to care for them when they're sick, no matter how much they fight you as teens. )

I urge you to reframe some of your thinking. You support your family. You've been kind to your WS, and that probably means you're usually kind. And you've done all this while dealing with your unpleasant(?) feelings about being adopted. You've remade your life after being traumatized by being betrayed. Wow! That's a lot of good stuff, and it's all you.

Most BSes are committed to R or D when they're as far from d-day as you are. You're still uncertain. So be it. I understand you're uncomfortable, maybe very uncomfortable, but you are where you are. Have some faith in yourself ... you're not going to stop doing good things for yourself.

Have you done any therapy? If not, now might be a good time. IMO, possible goals are deciding between D & R and/or figuring out how much abandonment and/or fear of abandonment are getting you stuck.

You're loving, lovable, and capable. You'll get to the other side of this.

(((Abcd89))) - hugs, if you want them