(Trigger Warning mentioned briefly)
Conversation Recap
This can be a bit hard to explain, but you can check the "Do I Even Know What Cheating Is" thread for more personal details about my situation. (Conclusion of that thread being that yup, I was cheated on in earlier relationships and was gaslit for a while in later ones).
My question here has to do with the other side of that, namely the stuff in my current relationship that has me more than a bit worried. Namely my norms/thoughts verses hers, and wanting to keep myself from wondering as it feels like it a bit.
Short version of the other thread; I'm neurodivergent (I don't think its as important here); Demisexual but sex positive with a high libido (can explain); 7 years recovered from being essentially an incel/stalker ex-boyfriend at my quasiplatonic attachment (explained in other thread); I have big betrayal trauma that still resurfaces now and then, alongside trauma/anxiety attack related to relapsing into those bad behaviors (explained in other thread) but that doesn't effect me as much now.
Yes I sound like the villain.
No I have not knowingly cheated nor do I want to exactly.
But I'm coming here because a lot of things has me worried that I am.
Dating History
I've been in a few relationships/co-dependent friendships on my road to figuring this all out/becoming not a possessive asshole. Some of those people are still around but one main one is. Most of these either ended seemingly amicably or in two cases terribly. The pattern is that I cling to a person, either with the promise of a relationship or reassurance that no feelings are had and I can cling. And that dynamic ending up with me being abandoned for a different more local partner they'd already had sex with before telling me (the times I was cheated on) or that dependance gradually fizzling out and me being able to go back to normal after being forgotten for a few months.
I know this makes no sense/is unhealthy.
It did take going through all that to get better at this though...
Relationship Problems Recap
Technically me and my girlfriend have been together for three years. Essentially two of those years didn't have us talking to each other but still technically 'official', but things got more serious when we reconnected.
Essentially, my GF has problems with time management, attention, and social anxiety as a combo; meanwhile I have anxiety about bothering people, I ghost people on accident, and I still haven't figured out how to get the above and detached people to take interest in replying again. So far both my long term relationships has been with a person like this. 'People who don't like talking'/'Don't reply in full sentences'/'Don't reply with daily engagement'.
The above doesn't bother me as much since this is better than the last one and we can communicate about it, plus talk a lot once we get going, but there's still that 'passing ships' problem now and then about how to keep that going. Or at least me having that worry more on my mind because of my last 2yo relationship being entirely that before they picked a new partner.
Another problem that feels like mostly my doing is the expectations.
I'm finding out daily that I am a lot more mature and its driving me a tiny bit crazy.
To not give personal details, she's essentially in the state where she needs to assert her adult autonomy to her parents, because they've been using her as a doormat and overloading her with expectations / neglecting their own parent responsibilities onto her without giving her respect or lenience. A combo of her needing to be pushed out of her comfort zone but also them needing to understand she's being left supporting the household and raising her little brother like her son. Her mom guilts and avoids accountability, an aunt is the flying monkey to this, and my GF says 'my child' so much in the pesemistic yet loving tone about her own brother.
We've had long talks about this, I've tried gentle and firmer coaching on how to talk to her family, but for about 3/4 months she's not made an effort to address the issue and keeps hiding from leaving her comfort zone or being assertive in any way. (I've had to be a life coach in the majority of my friend group and have been through this and other situations to end up in these 'life advice therapist friend' roles)
As mentioned above, its driving me crazy but not in an outward way. I tend to bottle or under feel things then have trouble knowing what I feel later. For this one I know where she's at and I can't force her to be brash or do anything faster, but its getting to the point of 'we talked about this'/'I told you this was a problem and we talked over what to do before this happened', and that being met with the same 'don't know how' and her skirting around the simple instructions (even word by word) for how to start a conversation on the topic.
I don't hate her or blame her, but I also don't want to feel jaded and cold either for her ignoring/forgetting everything and defaulting back to the same passive and deeply unhappy behavior.
Where I Wonder
Where I become the asshole (that I can see) in this, is on two points, and both cause things that are probably not good.
Point 1) "I'm more mature/at a later life stage, and I have goals/expectations of a committed relationship with future marriage if its legal/commonlaw." (Ideally roommates if that ever becomes financially conceivable, and I'vs bought and shown her a promise wrong that she understands and was somewhat happy for, since it was the night of the mentioned example. My 'pop the question' bit /' showing I got the one I showed her' was buried and numbed a bit by the conversation coming after it)
Point 2) "I essentially have cybersex daily with my friend group, refuse to let them go for anyone since they've had my back through every year of crazy, and I consistently go to them when in distress instead of any partner past or present." (Namely because I know it won't upset/burden these friends, and as mentioned my GF is going through it night now)I get the idea that to fully commit I should shift these needs, both emotional and sensational, to my GF, but so far all I've tried hasn't worked. She's aware of the RP and has access to it, I've encouraged her to do one with me and though she's into it and loves to read it she doesn't have the attention span to reply or a way to get past blank page anxiety (her explanations).
So yeah, she can tract my activity and fidelity if she wants to, which I don't think she does; and she reads what I send her and she knows where it comes from and what I'm doing in theory (just D&D but saucy and drama heavy).
Yet the fact I keep being 'satisfied' by others and only talk to her during or after 'alone time' makes me feel guilty since I can't get those interactions with her because of the message issues and her problems making replies.
The other big point of that is, of my players, one is still functionally my codependency/quasiplatonic outlet now and then, and while there technically aren't feelings I still enjoy the chemistry out of game and wouldn't mind if she ever decided I'm worth a relationship. I highly doubt it, but its a very close 'have each other's backs' friendship and a 'I would touch her if she let me' feeling of back of brain affection.
And me and this friend still have our fights/disagreement points, but that doesn't destroy our friendship or my attachment. We vibe on a sexual and kinda emotional level, since she gives me pet names out of game that I use back. But her main thing is she doesn't like emotionally committing/dating, isn't interested in me physically/romantically, and babies me a bit because of the age gap like its a tease (aka, because it annoys me especially when my flirty was more pushy, back when I wasn't dating).
I've explained a very light and careful version of that to my GF, since I didn't want GF to fall off the map right when GF took an active interest in me again. But I know pretty damn well that me having those ghosts of affection, even unrequited and understood as unrequited and underused, 'has' to be emotional/cheating/neglect on some level. Or at least I see it as enough of one that it bothers me, and that nagging feeling gets brought up more when I try to figure out why my W.I.P. Series has such a strong theme of cheating that's only grown stronger in each draft/book.
Example I came across this reddit read about two cowritiers who cheat, and I knew I couldn't send that week's episode to my GF because I didn't want her to think I would do that with my Friend, who yes is one I do cowrite some series with.
Point '1' Reiterated
On the maturity vs needs & expectations side of things, its taken a bit to explain and work up GF to the idea of being in a committed / 'to marry some day' relationship, since thats a smaller anxiety of hers since she has less longer term dating experience and not very good experiences in general.
Example most recently she's been doormatted by two incel friends/exes of hers, one that cursed her out and one that acted inappropriate to her.
1) I overlooked the fact she hadn't ended things immediately when we got back together.
2) I went into life coach mode since, yes, I was the all night phone call previously when my post-school bestie got date raped.
Apparently my coaching/recount of my response of back then did earn me good boy points were her parents, and she took my concerns seriously enough to act on them a week later. The parents bit surprised me since they don't know we're dating (closet, etc, I don't mind slow progress). It don't even mind if she did it late so long as she got out of that situation and stops just awkwardly going along with what people do to her. I don't mind her looking elsewhere while we had our fuzzy distance either; I mostly just care that she's safe and those two can't get to her or hurt her. It terrifies me thr thought that I could end up stranded across a bridge in the middle of the night and talking down someone I wish I'd been close enough or aware enough to protect. And the worst feeling is that pesimism that its going to happen and in the moment I'm just going to swallow and accept it becoming a pattern.
The conversation did prompt me to do an anonymous ask about whether I should tell her parents how I recognized that behavior. Mainly the me having been essentially an incel before. By the replies varied from insults to incredulous, and in general advised I should burry ever telling the to-be-in-laws I was ever that bad. I understand what they mean (unfortunately even understand the ones that said my GF would be better without me just from those terms) but my efforts to be better year by year, and being out on the look out for me crossing any boundaries, is a big part of my personal identity and normally something I share with people I intend to get close to. I know it can cause come doubt and revulsion at first, but normally things smooth out and they see my progress/worth and just have that understanding in the background that it was a hard time in my life and I have the work ethic/commitment to get past it. The fact that includes recounting surviving an attempt also adds to the heaviness/amount of change I've undergone in the last nine years.
Wrap Up
So yeah, what I hope is a bit of good but also an acknowledgement of some of the bad. I don't intend to sound bitter about anything when describing the negatives, as those really are the only ones. All in all I really enjoy my relationship, I just have a weird coping system and some insecurities from past relationships that make me fixate on things both about my GF and myself.
I left this one open to both sides, but I will say, please no 'roasting'. I do have some lingering anxiety about forums from way back, so I might lurk or take a breather if I get overwhelmed. So far though this community has been mostly welcoming after an initial miscommunication. I hope all in all that this post here is okay and these 3am thoughts have come out coherent. I'll add clarifications in further posts where I recognize they're needed, and I'll reply where I can. I still don't know how to reply directly to a user and I'm learning the formatting as I go.
