Buckle up - this is a long one!
I'm new here, been perusing for a couple of weeks trying to better understand everything.
I'll preface my story by saying we were having many issues prior to A, most fell on me - and I've since owned it and am still actively working through my own issues. This was never an instance of my partner not asserting how he was feeling/his unmet needs (non sexual) and what was not working in our relationship at the time. I was just not in a mental place of my own to be a present and active partner. In short, postpartum and perimenopause both hit at about the same time, so I was in the trenches there with a baby and rambunctious 6 year old (mid/late 2024). Things just progressively got worse as my own issues continued to grow unresolved, and it would often come out in anger and frustration. There was little to no effort on my part when it came to our connection. Fast forward to fall 2025 and I had this ah-ha moment (along with starting some new meds) that I am an anxious avoidant and it's caused issues in EVERY SINGLE relationship I've ever had. I started researching heavily and began trying to implement some of the things I'd found to start correcting this.
Around the same time of my ah-ha, my partner started spending more time with a co-worker. They're both school bus drivers for our county and we conveniently live in the same neighborhood, so at the end of the morning shift AP would park her bus up the street at the school that's less than a mile from my house, and they'd wait for each other. WP would sit on her bus and they'd talk for hours. I had no idea this was happening, even though I had his location and could see that he was right up the street, when questioned about it I was just told he was taking time for himself and doom scrolling/listening to music. I WFH so it seemed plausible, given our issues to want space.
Initially when it started in Oct they'd just talk for 30 min or so, but as things progressed, it would be 3 or more hours. I pried about it often by this point bc I didn't just understand why he couldn't come home and doom scroll or listen to music. By this point when he finally would come home, we'd have lunch together then he'd just go to our bedroom and disappear until it was time to leave for the afternoon around 2.
He grew increasingly irritable with me, even though I was actively trying to make changes to rectify some of my own communication issues. In early Dec he broke up with he, but like every other time he'd broken things off with me that year there was no effort made to actually make plans to move out or actually separate. We still had sex and did things as a family etc. Dec 19th our son had a Drs appt. It is important to note, one of WP complaints had often been I didn't allow him to shoulder any of the responsibilities to alleviate some of my stress, so I told him I needed him to take our son to this appt. The appt was at 930, and I told him he needed to come straight home after his morning shift, so he could leave at 9. I reminded him numerous times of this and the appt during that week, and even texted him that morning. He didn't come straight home, i began texting him at 850, reminding him he needed to be leaving for the appt soon. Then comes 9, 905, 910...finally I texted at 912 and said I was taking him myself. I got our son in the car and ready, at 916 I passed by his bus and the APs bus lined us behind each other and see him touching her. I didn't get a full picture at the time, but what I now know was they were having a long hug and reminding each other how much they loved each other since they wouldn't see each other over the Christmas break (beginning that day). Once I got home I confronted him and he swore she was just a close friend and nothing more. I stupidly believed this. Christmas break as a whole was pretty terrible.
Jan 5th rolls around, the 1st day back from Christmas break. He doesn't come straight home. I texted numerous times, as I usually would, they went unseen/unread as usual. Finally at 1115 I decide to ride up there, and wouldn't you know it he's sitting on APs bus again. This is when shit really hit the fan, bc even though he still swore they were friends (i told him I was no longer comfortable with their friendship and asked him to cut the friendship off). After initially arguing about this, i decided to go look at our phone records where I discover hundreds of texts and pics that had been sent btwn them and though I couldn't see the content, that was enough for me to know this was more than a friendship.
That whole week is still kind of a blur, he was immeasurably angry bc he felt justified based on the hurt i'd caused him in the past. For whatever reason, he felt at the time that I wouldn't be that hurt, bc he was convinced I didn't care/love him anyhow. By the end of the week hysterical bonding was in full swing, and I'd told him I was going to continue showing up for him and the relationship. He agreed to go NC with AP, and blocked her number. I asked him to no longer come home the way he'd have to pass by her in the mornings, and the biggest thing was honesty and transparency. All of which he agreed to, he only said I was not allowed to confront her. He expressed to me quite a bit over the ensuing couple of months he didn't trust that I wasn't being performative in my actions. I'd basically done a complete 180, at least in his mind. But much of the changes I'd already started implementing months earlier and he wasn't in a mindset to see that. I realize at the time, I was shouldering a lot of guilt for my past actions and due to that I was really "understanding" of why the EA happened in the first place, not that I excused it, but I understood it. At this point I feel we're well into R, and we're connecting so much better than we had in a very very long time. I still had MANY reservations and was constantly checking his location. I was also out of work at this time (Feb-Apr this year) so had a lot of time on my hands to hop in the car when things didn't add up or I got really anxious. There were a few times he was in a place too long and didn't communicate until after the fact what was going on, and there was one time his location said he was in once place for an extended amt of time (a place they could easily meet) and he swore he was not there, that something was wrong with the apple location. I knew I was being gaslit, I trusted my gut, but I couldn't prove it. The subsequent times after that I'd try to catch him still seeing her, they weren't together or I was too late to ACTUALLY catch it.
At the end of April they added a new route mid day with an "aide". They were to pick up a student at one school around 830 and take them to another school and he'd drop the aide off back at the first school, and he should be home by 935ish. The second day of this new route, May 1, I can see he got back to the school to drop off his aide at 925, and by 945 he still hadn't left. It's close to our house, so I took a quick trip, and lo and behold the AP is pulling out as I pull in. I turned around and since we live in the same neighborhood, followed her back. I decided at that point I was going to have a conversation with her, bc he clearly wasn't holding up his end of the agreement, and I needed the truth. She was honest, EA was no longer just an EA but had turned somewhat physical (a point WP in Jan had made sure I knew he was proud of not allowing things to become physical). They had never in fact stopped seeing each other and WP was still telling her he was in love with her and would never stop seeing her etc. He'd told her he was just trying to find a way to leave ensuring the kids were taken care of etc. Meanwhile, WP told AP we were not trying to R and we def were not still having sex or anything relationship like. So, lies all around.
This second DD has been far more devastating than the first for me. I imagine it's because I thought we were both mutually working towards R and it feels more deliberate given WPs choices to not only maintain the relationship with AP but deepen it by making it a PA. AFAIK there has been no contact since the new route ended on May 15. All of the work put into reconnecting and rebuilding has just disappeared as if it never happened. I've sent him a few threads from here so he can better understand what I'm going through. I've told him he needs to decide if he wants to try to ACTUALLY work toward R with me or not by the end of summer so I can make decisions to renew the lease or find somewhere less expensive that I'm able to afford on my own. I don't think he liked the thought of that. Right now, he's trying to be supportive as things come up for me, but he's wallowing in shame and sadness at the hurt he's caused to two people, and three if he includes himself. He's forthcoming when I ask things, but the conversation usually ends with him pausing because it's become too much for him to handle. I struggle to feel supportive of him in those moments because it almost feels like my support means I'm saying what he did was ok. Logically I know that's not the case, I don't want him to be suffering too...but I have a hard time with giving open ended space in part due to our recent past and due to my own anxious attachment. WP has never been the kind of person to shy away from putting in work and self-reflection, but in this instance some of his "reflections" feel far too logical for me and aren't exactly understanding of my emotional state all the time.
So, that's just about everything in a nutshell - I'm sure there are things I didn't include/overlooked. Ever the eternal optimist, I'm sure we'll make it out of this, albeit very scathed.
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