SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If anyone remembers an earlier thread I posted, my wife's co worker/AP was fired for posting some stupid things about the boss on Facebook. Not only was he fired, but he was also officially trespassed from company property. Well, he showed up there yesterday. She saw him, but she's pretty sure he didn't see her because she immediately did a 180, walked the other direction, ducked into an office and called her supervisor. She pointed him out and told her that he had been fired and trespassed. A couple of supervisors approached him, told him he needed to immediately leave, escorted him off, and told him if he ever showed his face again they were calling the police.

Phew. I have some mixed feelings. It triggers me that he showed up there. It's a retail store tho, and he lives close by, so he could have just been there to pick some things up, or he could have been looking for my wife. In either case, she handled it perfectly. She not only avoided him, but reported his presence to management, then told me about it as soon as she got home.

So I was caught between being angry that this is even a thing, and being quite happy about how she handled the situation. I got kind of quiet for a while, but at the end of the day I expressed to her that I was... pleased at how she dealt with it. I don't really think it could have gone any better. She told her boss "He shouldn't be here, he's trespassed and he makes me uncomfortable."

Her current supervisor is fairly new to that location so not only did she not know who he is, but doesn't know "the story" with my wife or his stupidity. She really likes my wife so she jumped to action, gathered up a couple of others and immediately escorted him off property under threat of arrest.

So now her new boss knows who he is, he makes my wife extremely uncomfortable, and that he's not welcome there. My wife was allowed to stay in the side office until he was gone.

I'm angry and upset about the whole damned thing, but... she handled it perfectly. She was really nervous telling me about it. She led in with "I have to tell you something" - often famous last words, lol. I'm... proud of her, and I'm upset that he's even on my radar at all at the same time. She did, however, immediately tell me what happened saying "I promised you I would tell you if I ever saw him again, so I'm telling you right now." She knew telling me risked triggering me but told me anyway.

This shit is so emotionally confusing, but at the end of the day I couldn't have asked her to handle it any better. As we used to say back in my Mortal Kombat days, "Flawless Victory." He's done. As far as my wife is concerned he's the enemy and she can't stand the sight of him. That's pretty damned reassuring to me.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:53 PM, Monday, June 8th]

It does sound like she handled it in the best way possible. That's great.

When my WH's AP made attempts to reconnect years later, I remember feeling anger and a deep sadness. My own husband invited a person into both my live and our children's lives who had the power to hurt us deeply. He gave her the potential to intrude in our family's lives forever. It's a painful realization.

Pogre
Take your wife out for dinner.
Open doors for her, help her into the car, be attentive, have a nice evening.
Or get a nice bottle of wine and some takeaway and give her a foot-rub this evening.

Then tell her how you appreciate that she trusted you with the truth about what OM did by coming to the store, how glad you are with her reaction.

You can be honest about the trigger and the pain, but the overall outtake from this is that she seems to be responding correctly. Now imagine if she had reacted the same way at work, but not told you. Imagine that you somehow hear about this 2-3 weeks later… THAT would be worse IMHO.

Bigger,

I'll tell you what I did. While I mildly vented some frustration here, I didn't do that with my wife at all. After she told me, she asked "did I do the right thing?" I replied with "yes, absolutely." Then we sat together on the couch and watched a movie in silence for a while. Afterwards I asked her about a few details. Stuff like, "Did he see you?" "How did it make you feel seeing him?" etc.

After she answered all of my questions I took her in my arms, told her that I love her, and said "Honey, you did everything perfectly." The look on her face was of great relief, love, and appreciation. It was a pretty beautiful moment. She clung tightly to me for the rest of the evening. Even when I was cooking dinner (I made one of her favorites), she kept coming into the kitchen for hugs and kisses and to tell me she loves me and she's sorry for the mess she created.

I did tell her that I was a little triggered, but I didn't let it ruin what I see as overall a very good thing, and she appreciated it so much. We ended up having a great evening. After we ate, I cleaned up all of the dishes and we went to bed early. A couple of hours later we went to sleep.

I think I just may very well take her out for dinner tonight. Our anniversary was 2 days ago and I didn't do anything for it. I could tell she was disappointed, but she did not make a deal out of it or try to rub my nose in it at all.

Maybe I'll make that up to her tonight.

Of all of the stories I've read here, I've not seen many, if any, where a WS pulls out of the fog and makes such a drastic change so shortly after an affair being discovered. While she wasn't exactly too great about it for that first month after d day, once she turned the corner she was all in and has never looked back.

She tells me daily now that she thinks I'm the most handsome man she's ever known (one of my pet names for her is "pretty face"), which... "okay," but you know what? She's said that for 28 years now. She has ALWAYS told me that. Maybe not daily, but she has always said that, and it's something I always just took for granted before. "Of course she's going to say that. I'm her husband..." but you know, after 28 years of consistently saying and demonstrating it, maybe, just maybe... she really does mean it. In all of the time I've known her she has never said otherwise. She told me that right from the beginning of our relationship.

I know this is a hard one for a BS to get over, and I did struggle with it for a little bit right after d day, but I'm convinced that she is very sexually attracted to me, and she always has been. Right from the start. That's been so helpful for my recovery, and she's only doubled down on it since this mess began.

There's nothing "lucky" about infidelity, but since it happened, and I decided to give R a shot, I think I'm lucky to have the wife I have. I do appreciate her. Probably more now than ever. What she's been doing could be viewed as love bombing, but I know coming from her it's sincere. It's not performative. She's been showing me how she really feels. We've been stuck together like glue since this mess began, and honestly, I love it. We do everything together now. Even grocery shopping. I feel like we've made 3 years worth of progress in one year.

Bigger and KD, I really appreciate the words of encouragement and you reinforcing what feels to me like a very positive development. Thanks.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:07 PM, Monday, June 8th]

She knew telling me risked triggering me but told me anyway.

Authenticity is awesome, isn't it?

Authenticity is awesome, isn't it?

Yes, and the beauty of that is, she's realizing it, too. I made sure to let her know her honesty and authenticity is greatly appreciated.

I made it crystal clear to my wife that if for some reason her AP shows up at the school, sticks his head into her office, and says hi she is to not respond in any way and if she does we are finished

Now he could have official Police business at the school but he has absolutely no reason to approach my wife

But were it to happen I would have no way of knowing

In my opinion he is the type to push the envelope. He was told the day after D-Day by my wife to not approach her for any reason so if he does I would demand that she go to admin and then go to his CO and file whatever paperwork necessary to keep him away from her.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:41 PM, Monday, June 8th]

Good one.

She felt uncomfortable because we’re likely thinking the chances of why he was there are exactly because he is looking for a validation hit.

I still think that the best repellents for this kind of rats is 2 minutes in a locked room with you.
But she handled it well.

Oh, I've had some fantasies about what I'd like to do to him with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch...

I'm so glad that he was a big enough idiot to get himself fired and trespassed. Not only does he not work for the same company, it's actually illegal for him to even be there anymore.

That was several months ago. I think he thought that enough time had passed that he could mosey on in there and no one would notice. He was partly right. Some supervision had been transferred around and no one did seem to notice him until my wife did.

She really handled it as well as could be hoped for. I don't think it could have gone any better even if I was there telling her what I'd like her to do. She's so repulsed by him now that she was shaken up just seeing him from a distance. She stayed in the office until he was escorted out. She wanted him GONE.