I have not been on this site for a long time and woke up in the middle of the night and decided to check in. I read some of the "Just found out" posts and this always stings. I thought that I would just post some updates and insights into how my journey has been unfolding.
Abusive relationships: I have learned, and I agree with this theory, that when someone is in an abusive relationship, they are probably actually in several abusive relationships at the same time. I found this to be true in my case. A few months after DD #2, I quit my job, and that was definitely an abusive relationship. I was also in an abusive relationship with my FOO and have only one surviving family member that I'm not really close with. And I don't pretend to have a relationship with that person anymore, at least to the degree that I used to. I have realistic expectations around all of my relationships, especially my relationship with myself. I was in individual counseling for about a year and a half and couples counseling for about 6 months. We should have done couple's counseling immediately instead of waiting a year and a half.
My WW, now pretty much a safe partner, runs a small business in a small town and I help her run it and do the things that she is unable to do. We spend a lot of time together, we are working on finishing a small off-grid cabin in a rural area that we spend time in on weekends during the warmer months. Although I miss the income from my old job, we cut back in certain areas and cook most of our own meals from scratch. We exercise together in a gym, but we usually get plenty of exercise taking care of lawns, gardens and dogs without having to go to the gym too often.
It's been very lonely. In the past out of desperation I shared details of my marriage and my WW's behaviors with people that were not safe. Some of them I am no longer in contact with. Two good friends, although spread in different parts of the country, know some of the details. They have been supportive of me. However, nobody in my community where I live knows any of the details. I try to be a tabula rasa so to speak. I feel the need to protect the brand being in a small town running a small business. But as I said, I did not anticipate feeling this lonely and disconnected from so much of my old world.
Inability to cry at convenient times. I often feel the need to have a good cry and when I have privacy and peace, I can't cry. Oddly, I could easily cry in a doctor's waiting room, during a work meeting, or on the line in the grocery store. I have to stifle crying at these inappropriate times and places and yet can't let it out when I have the space to do so. The betrayal and heartbreak will always feel fresh and stings like a motherF#@$er. It seems like this will be a constant companion I'll travel with the rest of my life.
My relationship with me. I've learned that I became broken as a child. An older sibling that was supposed to protect me psychologically abused me. My parents didn't believe me. My eldest sibling I was very close to but was lost to suicide over 30 years ago. When this sibling was around I felt joy. When my surviving sibling was / is around, I felt / feel dread. We are separated now by thousands of miles, a few more miles would not hurt either. But it is what it is. I've learned so much about myself and why it was so easy for me to get involved in relationships that were so one-sided / abusive. In early childhood I learned that there is nothing worse that being shunned or an outcast. And in order to belong to the tribe, I had to take my place and accept my role as the fool or jester. That's the role I played in my FOO, my circles of friends, with my girlfriends / spouse. In a twisted way I even adopted that role in my relationship with my now estranged adult child. I used to share too much, reveal too much, struggled desperately to make small talk, to be liked. These days I don't have a lot to say. I choose my words carefully. I refuse to engage in gossip. I'll engage in pleasantries with locals, but I won't really initiate it beyond cordial greetings. When a few people that were close to me, rather the "old" me, used manipulation tactics, I surprised them and unleashed a stream of candor they were not prepared to receive from me. Some I never heard from again, some accept the new relationship dynamics. Although I still probably engage in some people pleasing behaviors, I am very much aware of this and reel it in. Old habits are hard to break, but break they will.
As for my partner (I refrain from using the term wife, we are not there yet) I am committed to her well being. I restrain myself from being angry about her past behaviors when I feel that it is inappropriate. I make sure that her IRA account is fully funded every year. I manage her investments as if I were doing it for a client. Since I am older, my goal is to grow our wealth / her wealth so that she can be comfortable (not affluent) when I pass away. I originally planned to leave most of my money in a trust for my adult child. Now that I have been estranged (not my choice) that is no longer a priority. My partner's security is my priority.
I'm doing OK. It's not the life I expected and not the life I planned on having. I miss looking at my partner and feeling the love that I used to feel. I mean it's love but it's not LOVE, if you know what I mean. And I bet you do. Early on after DD#2, the lies and trickle truths drove me nuts. I have to accept that the truth is somewhere between what I have been told and the worst misgivings of my imagination.
Knowing what I know now about myself, her, and the world, I should have left after DD#1 back in 2009. I stayed because of the kid, the debt, the perceived security, fear of being alone and starting over again. I can't go back in time and have to make the best with the hand I hold currently.
I feel that people stay together out of fear of staring over again, or the kids, or finance, etc. I would counsel folks that those are not good reasons to yield your sovereignty in exchange for security. The kids get old and go on their own. The debts somehow find a way to get paid when you start doing the proper math. You can't get back the time and that is what's most precious. I'll continue to check in from time to time.
