SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Marriage reconciliation score as of 2 days ago: 8/10
Marriage reconciliation score as of today: 2/10

I actually don't think I know who I married.

We've been married for 26 years, happily for the most part. Definitely best friends and good partners. Marriage was pretty easy for us.

8 months ago I found out. Then 5 months of trickle truths, gaslighting and DARVO.
Just friends > we did have a connection > I never had chemistry with you > yes we did sext and send photos but no touch > I actually fell in love with him but it was never physical > finding emails and notes that proved they had had sex dozens of times over an 18 month period > finding out she was still ruminating on old snapchats until 2 months ago.

They are no contact, I have access to her phone and location, and her behavior shows me she's actually recommitting.

Despite all the trickle truths and lies, we've been working on our communication, going to bible studies and small groups, we both have individual counselors, and we've been intentional towards each other. This has definitely helped, especially with being able to work my way out from spiraling, and Lord knows I needed that.

Here's why things went off a cliff for me and I'd love to get some feedback because my head is still spinning.

We had marriage counseling today (it's been a couple of months due to schedules) so last night we had a brief conversation about what we were going to talk about.

I asked my wife if all the things she complained about our marriage prior to the affair still felt true to her now that we're 8 months out.

Whenever I'd discover something about the affair, I'd get some version of 'we had no chemistry, we never had deep conversations, we were just roommates, we never kissed, we weren't connected...' This bothered me a lot initially then I realized that while some of it was certainly true, not all of it was. I took the parts I knew to be true and owned up to them, and started working on them. Work on yourself, so to speak.

So when she told me that they were all still true, I asked her specifically what she meant by no chemistry. She told me 'Imagine a lady at your job or somewhere that you think is pretty, smart, funny and fun to hang around but you have no desire to sleep with them'. That's how I felt about you. I've always felt that way about you, before we got married. You checked every other box so you were perfect except for that one thing and I just accepted that I might not ever have that feeling.

I believed for more than 25 years that my wife loved me and actually desired me. If I had known that she didn't desire me I would have never married her. Why would I marry someone that doesn't love me the way I love them?

She says that she does love me and she knows what she said hurts me but she didn't want to lie to me anymore. She wants to build chemistry with me and we should keep working towards that. HOW is that chemistry just going to be built if you didn't have it ever with me in 26 years? And if it doesn't happen, are you just going to be a sacrificial spouse and 'let' me have sex with you despite zero desire? Why would I ever want that. It's a complete turn off.

I don't know what to do. I want this to work out so bad but this revelation has broken my brain yet again. I'd love for someone to tell me this is fixable.

Fucking hell, man, I’m so sorry, what a thing to be told on top of everything. Nice of her to stop lying after only 26 years, I guess.

I have seen this recommended elsewhere so I’m passing it along: a book called the Married Man’s Sex Life Primer. People report getting results from it, for what that’s worth.

That's so hard to deal with because it's based on her internal psychology, past experiences, or specific arousal templates rather than your worth, appearance, or behavior. It is a subjective experience she brings to the relationship, not an objective failure on your part.

It's unlike couples who lose chemistry over time due to routine or resentment. This situation involves a fundamental absence of sexual desire from the beginning. Some experts note that while chemistry can sometimes develop if there is a baseline of attraction, it is extremely difficult to generate if the feeling was never present.

Is this chemistry thing something she's mentioned in the past, or only since the affair? It's possible she's retroactively re-writing the narrative to convince herself the marriage was dead to justify her affair.

I just don't know man, that's such a gut wrenching thing to hear. Maybe it's something you guys could try to generate, or hopefully rekindle if there was a spark and she's re-writing things, but it would take her really buying in and wanting to try.

Also, this sticks out to me.

Whenever I'd discover something about the affair, I'd get some version of 'we had no chemistry, we never had deep conversations, we were just roommates, we never kissed, we weren't connected...'

I'm not sure of the context, but this looks like pretty typical blame shifting and justifying to me. Is this pretty typical when you talk about it? Has she taken full accountability?

It’s quite possible she killed the chemistry YOU had.

So sorry for you.

IMO either you have chemistry or you don’t. It’s rather black & white for me.

Jeremy, this must be so hard to hear after 25y. I think that having a partner that desires you is something that most of us want very deeply and it was taken from you. Honestly, if she decided to be with you to have a comfy life with the good guy, she should have stayed faithful, keep her mouth shut and take it to the grave. I imagine that you feel incredibly lonely and rejected right now. No words.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 11:00 PM, Thursday, July 23rd]