SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BH and I had our first weekly meeting with one another last night, at the recommendation of our MC. It was... rough.

My mental health has been atrocious, and when that happens, the condition of the house also gets atrocious and I get backlogged on tasks for work, and then when the house gets atrocious, it upsets my H, and then when he gets upset about it my mental health gets worse, and I feel even more overwhelmed about everything and paralyzed with regards to starting to dig myself back out of the hole...

Sometimes I try to stay up late to catch up, or I'll sleep on the couch because I will set like 6 alarms for me to wake up early and I'm trying not to disturb H. My thought process is that if I take hours from the night to add more to "my day," start getting caught up, and then H will be less displeased, and my mental/emotional health will improve, and then I can be a generally more functional person. It's the point in the cycle that I try to break it.

This cycle happened periodically prior to the affair. This staying up to try to break the cycle happened prior to the affair. But post DDay, BH has said that the house being a mess triggers him because when I was checking out to fantasy land with AP, the house became a mess. I also was staying up late and not coming to bed during the A, so now that's a trigger for him too... So you can see how I'm kind of stuck, right?

We tried talking about this last night at the end of the meeting, after I asked him if he would rather I stay up to try to knock out some dishes or go to bed with him. I acknowledged that me not coming to bed was a trigger for him... Possibly I forgot to apologize-- gotta make sure to do that later-- but I received that's what's happening for him emotionally. I also tried to explain that my mental health is bad right now and I'm trying to break the cycle and make him happy, that the cycle happened frequently prior to the affair, and that I often tried to stay up late to get caught up prior to the A.

I wanted him to cognitively recognize that there's not a strong correlation between whether I'm staying up late and whether I'm having an affair, because that's not the Reality of the data. I said that when one is traumatized, the brain looks for patterns to protect you, and they're not always accurate patterns. It then triggers when it perceives a variable that it thinks means there is imminent danger... I told him I understand why he's triggered, and I'm not asking him not to be triggered, because we're still only a year out. I just thought that possibly consciously understanding that the correlation isn't high and updating his mental model would help him work through the emotional side of things.

I wanted him to understand the rock and the hard place I've managed to put myself in, and the route I was trying to take out of it. Since he selected "stay up and do the dishes" over "come to bed," I sort of wanted reassurance that come tomorrow, he wouldn't be unhappy that I hadn't come to bed, since that's what he chose. Like I just want to stop being punished for trying to make him feel better, no matter what I do, so I can stop feeling like shit and be a functional person. I just don't think he was understanding that's what I wanted. He just kept going back to, "Yeah but when you don't come to bed, I am emotionally triggered..." Which brought me back to the whole bad-correlation and at least trying to logick oneself out of the trigger....

(And I recognize that the obvious solution is just to catch up during normal waking hours. But I've been trying for like, 15 years to figure out how to successfully make myself do that, and I still haven't found the answer. What I think I really need is proper ADHD medication, but to get that I need to get a very expensive evaluation, and right now H is stressed about money already...)

Anyway. The point of this post is, I would like to hear about ways other BS are working through or have worked through their triggers, to see if there's something that might help my H as I try to navigate this issue.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:02 PM, Friday, July 31st]

Are you saying you have some sort of mental block that prevents you from getting caught up during waking hours? When we were raising our son I worked a full time job and did all of the cooking and most of the cleaning. And I don't make Mac n cheese and hot dogs. I'm a scratch cook and use fresh ingredients. I took a lot of pride in my meal planning and use of healthy ingredients for complete meals. I managed to get it all done before bed. Well, maybe not ALL of it. I had some rough days, but there was never a day where I felt I had to stay up during the wee hours of the morning to get the dishes done.

I remember telling to you months ago when you touched on this subject that you not coming to bed would most definitely be a trigger for me.

I have another thought or 2, but I don't want you thinking I'm intentionally misreading you or making assumptions (because I know how that goes with you... ).

I'm going to wait until you clarify my first question above.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:36 PM, Friday, July 31st]

Restructure your day/chore pattern and come to bed with him. Gently, not coming to bed would be a HUGE trigger for me, even years out.

He'd spent too many years staying up late late at night talking/texting/sexting w/LTAP for me to ever feel comfortable. Years later, if I wake up or roll over and he's not there - instant panic. Even if he's just using the bathroom.

Gently, this may be one of those mega triggers that won't go away. Think of it as the Tequila of triggers. You know - years ago, when you were young, dumb & stupid and snuck out of the house to go to a field party, drank way too much tequila and woke up in a cornfield feeling like death warmed over the next day. You survived, were hungover as hell, threw up for days and lived to tell the tale. But, years later, even the thought of tequila [even in a lovely frothy mango margarita] turns your stomach and sends you straight to the bathroom. It kind of like that. You staying up late to do even basic household chores causes that involuntary reaction.

Honestly, accept this. Be compassionate. This may honestly be one of those PTSD type reactions for him. Even if you were to nanny-cam style film yourself doing dishes, scrubbing toilets and/or folding laundry - that involuntary reflex would still exist in him. This BS says with sincerity and respect: Restructure your day/chore pattern and come to bed with him. By not doing this, you are [perhaps] indirectly causing him more trauma and causing a phantom type pain.

I know you specifically asked for advice about triggers, but the back story compels me to add a few comments up front before I get to triggers.

My thought process is that if I take hours from the night to add more to "my day," start getting caught up, and then H will be less displeased, and my mental/emotional health will improve, and then I can be a generally more functional person.

When my wife and I first had kids, we decided it would be better for our kids for her to be a stay at home mom and for me to work full time. However at the time we also needed more money, so I decided to go to school so I could get a higher paying job. For many years I worked full time, and wen't to school full. It was rough. In order to keep up I did exactly what you seem to be doing. I would often be up till midnight or later, and get up at 5am the next day to go to work and do it all again.

I can tell you from experience that not only is this not physically healthy, or sustainable, but it's also counter productive because you are tired each day, which makes your performance worse than it could be. Over time this kind of behavior builds and builds until at some point your body is like "okay now you HAVE to take a break!".

But I've been trying for like, 15 years to figure out how to successfully make myself do that, and I still haven't found the answer.

If you have to make yourself do something long term then there is a bigger underlying problem I think. You need to adjust your life so that it can be sustainable for you.

Like I just want to stop being punished for trying to make him feel better, no matter what I do...

I would challenge this thought. Are you actually being punished? If so, is HE doing the punishment? If you hurt someone and they are in pain, or pull back next time you do something similar, is that them punishing you? Or them trying to protect themselves? It sounds like you logically understand this. Now it's a matter of integrating it emotionally.

Now to triggers:

Disclaimer: I'm not amazing at handling triggers, or a shining example of handling this situation.

One thing I do a lot is I journal, and write letters (mostly to myself) to process my thoughts. That helps in a round about way to reduce the next trigger. Not so much in the moment though.

I make sure I get some kind of physical activity that involves other people each week. I've been sick this week and unable to do my usual physical activity, and I've noticed a difference.

Another thing I found helps is detaching a bit as has been suggested to me many times on this site. When I finally accepted that I cannot prevent her from cheating on me, and if she did it again that would show that she is not a good partner for me. Observing instead of trying to control. In this case I would at least have clear direction on how to get out of infidelity.

When I'm triggered in the moment, I try to recognize it, and tell her I need a break. I'll usually go somewhere and calm myself down before returning to the conversation.

After the trigger is over, and I calm down, I try to analyze what exactly triggered me. This is where journaling helps.

Is there some reason your hubby can't do some cleaning and housework on his own?