Hello my SI friends, as per post title I’m having a tough time at the moment and I need to reach out.
I’m roughly 20 months post DD now and have sunk in to an abyss, it’s been a good few days I’ve been like this, man the grief is unbearable and I’ve started with a feeling of a person inside me just sobbing, I could be going about my day as normal and there’s a little person inside me just heartbroken and sobbing. I’ve never experienced this inside crying before and I tried explaining to my H who then suggested we go to a doctor which makes me feel more hopeless. I’m wondering if it’s sadness trying to be heard?
I think I’ve been in grief for a while now but it’s all come to a head, I’m tired, tired of being sad.
I’m sad I lost too much.
I’m sad that I’ll always remember.
I miss being in love.
I miss having one person.
I don’t like being sad.
With every bout of grief that comes it seems harder to pull myself out and I’ve come very very close to telling my H I just can’t do this anymore because the pain is unbearable, his attitude had been lacking for a few days because of tiredness and he said something along the lines of ‘what can I do about that now?, I can’t change that’ with a tone I don’t appreciate, I told him to say it again if he dared and I’ll show him what I can do about it now. He said sorry and asked for patience because of tiredness, usually I’d agree but I told him I have been patient for the past 25+ years, I don’t have much left. I’m tired too.
When I’m upset my H always points out the good in our lives and I’m glad he does because until he does I can’t see it, even with his faults I have a man who’s desperately trying to be a better man and succeeding for the most part, he is able to identify his flaws, his weaknesses and his traits, the people pleasing?, I have not seen any signs of that for a long while, in fact he is able to successfully sit in being disliked by people, discovered he actually likes himself when he puts boundaries in place and does what he actually wants.
Me?, I don’t like living with uncertainty, my life feels incredibly flat and I still struggle with injustice at times.
God I’ve had enough, I didn’t want this.
Bruce.
